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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want the house. AIBU?

415 replies

HouseFair · 02/04/2026 18:05

I feel like this might be controversial…

My boyfriend and I are buying a house. We have been together three years and I’m pregnant! Happy surprise. I own a flat but we live together in a rented house as he has three older kids so my flat isn’t big enough for us all. I’m selling it to provide the deposit on the house.

Part of the mortgage discussion is on life insurance. I have told him I want mirror policies in place which pay off the mortgage which leave the house in the surviving person’s name. He seems reticent about this and I think it’s because he thinks it should be left to his kids.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SandyHappy · 07/04/2026 17:17

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:59

As I have said repeatedly, I have other assets, pensions and investments which would go to my child in trust for when they’re 18. Their adult future is secure.

I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood. I believe he would split his estate between his kids, so my DC would get a share, but if he didn’t, it’s not the end of the world for the sake of a happy childhood.

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I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood.

You've just hit the nail on the head there, which is why I'm so baffled that you genuinely can't see the difference in your approaches and why you both have differing views??

How is him leaving the house to YOU upon his death making sure his other children are financially comfortable for THEIR childhood.. yes, it would secure you and his child with you, but what about his other three? Fuck them I guess? They can wait till they are 18 for a pay out from an insurance policy and be happy about it.

If you had an existing child from a previous relationship you absolutely would not be gifting the house to your partner upon your death and sending your other child to live with their dad with nothing.

Rileysp · 07/04/2026 17:16

nearlylovemyusername · 07/04/2026 13:58

He doesn't bring any assets though

He will if he’s contributing to a mortgage

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 17:10

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 17:04

Didn’t call you stupid. Called your plan of willing the house stupid. Seek some advice and you’ll come to realise that your way isn’t the way anyone with kids is ever advised to do it.

Again, you’ll be on the other side at some point when you’re with a new partner as this isn’t going to last. You’ll appreciate the advice to protect your assets then.

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I have thought about what you’re saying. If I had a second relationship, I would leave money to whoever would be likely to raise my child, whether that’d be current DP, new DP or my sister, to ensure they had a secure home throughout childhood. So the scenario doesn’t translate because DP’s kids already have a main home with their mum. And I’ve said if he wants to take out separate policies for SC (or their mum!) then great.

Ensuring a secure childhood home is very important to me. As is leaving assets to my kids.

I think I probably wouldn’t ever marry until all children involved are adults.

OP posts:
Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 17:04

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 17:01

You’ve called me stupid repeatedly now, do you want to go and get a glass of cold water?

That doesn’t work for me. Either he gets insurance to provide for me and our DC, and ideally SC too, or we don’t buy together.

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Didn’t call you stupid. Called your plan of willing the house stupid. Seek some advice and you’ll come to realise that your way isn’t the way anyone with kids is ever advised to do it.

Again, you’ll be on the other side at some point when you’re with a new partner as this isn’t going to last. You’ll appreciate the advice to protect your assets then.

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 17:02

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:59

As I have said repeatedly, I have other assets, pensions and investments which would go to my child in trust for when they’re 18. Their adult future is secure.

I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood. I believe he would split his estate between his kids, so my DC would get a share, but if he didn’t, it’s not the end of the world for the sake of a happy childhood.

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Again, your way is stupid. No financial
planner would advice it, solicitors wouldn’t advice it. It isn’t the “done thing” for a reason.

You are wrong on this. You are correct about life insurance and splitting bills and all the rest of it. But you’re wrong on this.

I don’t know why you’re with him, I don’t know what possessed you to have a child with him. He sounds useless and stupid. But you’re still wrong about how to will the house if to what of you die.

It doesn’t sound like to two of you will last, so you’ll be on the other side of it at some point if you meet someone else. And I bet my house that you’ll be protected your assets for your kid from this previous relationship.

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 17:01

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 16:59

But your way is stupid, and is just not how it is done. If either of you remarried and again, didn’t protect your assets, then that new spouse could get everything. You don’t do it that way for a reason.

The way I, and others outlined, is how you do it.

You leave your half to your child. He leaves his half split between all the kids. Any other way, and the asset could go on to be taken by a new spouse and all the kids cut out or just his kids cut out if you decide to keep it all.
He doesn’t need to get two life insurance policies to provide for you all separately. He isn’t a millionaire. He just needs to cover the cost of the house and leave his half to his kids, while you leave your half to your kids.

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You’ve called me stupid repeatedly now, do you want to go and get a glass of cold water?

That doesn’t work for me. Either he gets insurance to provide for me and our DC, and ideally SC too, or we don’t buy together.

OP posts:
Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 16:59

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:49

As I’ve said from page 1, my ideal would be protection in place for both me and all the kids. My dealbreaker is him not putting protection in place for me and DC, because ultimately SC’s care isn’t up to me.

What I’d like is the house paid off for me (like I’d do for him) and a separate policy in place for the kids. Or vice versa. But I’m not entering into an unequal situation where I’m paying for him to build assets. I’d rather keep that money for myself and DC.

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But your way is stupid, and is just not how it is done. If either of you remarried and again, didn’t protect your assets, then that new spouse could get everything. You don’t do it that way for a reason.

The way I, and others outlined, is how you do it.

You leave your half to your child. He leaves his half split between all the kids. Any other way, and the asset could go on to be taken by a new spouse and all the kids cut out or just his kids cut out if you decide to keep it all.
He doesn’t need to get two life insurance policies to provide for you all separately. He isn’t a millionaire. He just needs to cover the cost of the house and leave his half to his kids, while you leave your half to your kids.

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:59

SandyHappy · 07/04/2026 16:55

And if your partner gets married? How is that securing your child's future??

You are demanding he cuts his children out of inheriting HIS asset.. would you be happy if his future wife did the same.. when she demands that HIS half of the house be left to her and not his children (including your future child) if they buy somewhere else together using his money as a deposit? You'd be stupid to leave the future security of your child to someone who doesn't want them to inherit any of his money!

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As I have said repeatedly, I have other assets, pensions and investments which would go to my child in trust for when they’re 18. Their adult future is secure.

I’d want DP to own a paid-off house so he was financially comfortable for the duration of DC’s childhood. I believe he would split his estate between his kids, so my DC would get a share, but if he didn’t, it’s not the end of the world for the sake of a happy childhood.

OP posts:
SandyHappy · 07/04/2026 16:55

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:19

Ultimately, if I die, he would be significantly better off (because I care about my child’s security, the house will be paid off, and he’ll be able to live in it until our child - and all of his - are adults) in a house he’d have no way of affording otherwise.

If he dies, I’d be selling the home and would have nothing from him.

How is that fair?

And if your partner gets married? How is that securing your child's future??

You are demanding he cuts his children out of inheriting HIS asset.. would you be happy if his future wife did the same.. when she demands that HIS half of the house be left to her and not his children (including your future child) if they buy somewhere else together using his money as a deposit? You'd be stupid to leave the future security of your child to someone who doesn't want them to inherit any of his money!

MrsKateColumbo · 07/04/2026 16:51

Ultimately he seems financially foolish and you would be even more foolish to invest with him. Absolutely buy a home that works for you and your child,

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:51

Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:46

I can assure you it’s not. Insurance of the asset, yes, not the person paying.

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I’ve never taken out insurance with my mortgage provider, or given details. It’s definitely not legally required.

OP posts:
CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:49

Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:47

However OP has seen the light and good for her

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Indeed!

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:49

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 16:42

That would have been the end of the conversation for me. Wouldn’t even have bothered going on to discuss wills, certainly wouldn’t have come to mumsnet so ask how to cut the kids out of the house. I wouldn’t have got past “no insurance” conversation with him. But you obviously did, because you only decided not to buy with him after being told it was standard for him to leave his share to his kids. Weird that you got that far when he refused to get insurance at the first step.

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As I’ve said from page 1, my ideal would be protection in place for both me and all the kids. My dealbreaker is him not putting protection in place for me and DC, because ultimately SC’s care isn’t up to me.

What I’d like is the house paid off for me (like I’d do for him) and a separate policy in place for the kids. Or vice versa. But I’m not entering into an unequal situation where I’m paying for him to build assets. I’d rather keep that money for myself and DC.

OP posts:
Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:47

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:45

But even if not legally required it’s often a requirement of the bank (though this discussion is now academic since you’re not proceeding!)

However OP has seen the light and good for her

Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:46

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:45

But even if not legally required it’s often a requirement of the bank (though this discussion is now academic since you’re not proceeding!)

I can assure you it’s not. Insurance of the asset, yes, not the person paying.

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:45

But even if not legally required it’s often a requirement of the bank (though this discussion is now academic since you’re not proceeding!)

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:44

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:43

so it seems but for the four mortgages I’ve had, insurance has been a requirement.

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For the two I’ve had, you haven’t (though of course I have taken one out), and we’ve spoken to Halifax and L&C lately who’ve said it’s not legally required.

OP posts:
Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:44

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:43

so it seems but for the four mortgages I’ve had, insurance has been a requirement.

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The rules have changed. No need to have life assurance, some providers might ask, but it’s not required.

Original poster
HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:43

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 16:36

You can also take a life insurance policy out on him. He doesn’t need to do it.

Get a policy for both of you to cover the cost of the house and add that to your household bills cost, so you’re both paying for them.

One of you dies, house paid off, split between survivor and the kids, everyone gets plenty. It’s honestly not that complicated.

We don’t share all household bills, so it’d be me paying it. He’s said he won’t pay it. And frankly I don’t know why I should have to shoulder all the monthly payments to provide for his kids, if he can’t be bothered?

OP posts:
CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:43

Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:42

That’s utter nonsense. The mortgage does not need to be insured. Crazy, but true.

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so it seems but for the four mortgages I’ve had, insurance has been a requirement.

Trusttheawesome · 07/04/2026 16:42

HouseFair · 07/04/2026 16:40

It’s not required, it’s “highly recommended.” He’s said he’s not wasting his money on that or a will.

And quite. Which is why I have decided I won’t be buying with him. I do have insurance.

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That would have been the end of the conversation for me. Wouldn’t even have bothered going on to discuss wills, certainly wouldn’t have come to mumsnet so ask how to cut the kids out of the house. I wouldn’t have got past “no insurance” conversation with him. But you obviously did, because you only decided not to buy with him after being told it was standard for him to leave his share to his kids. Weird that you got that far when he refused to get insurance at the first step.

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:42

Cross posted. I think you’re right not to buy with him. Big decisions like this often show the cracks in how you approach things. Unfortunately since you’re having a baby you’re kind of stuck with someone you now know is either stupid or reckless when it comes to money, but you can at least protect yourself by keeping finances and home ownership separate.

Catcatcatcatcat · 07/04/2026 16:42

I don’t think OP does need the legal advice now as she has taken on board what has been said, and has decided not to buy a house with the idiot. 💐

Justbloodydoit · 07/04/2026 16:42

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:40

OP you need proper advice here, from a professional. You must know you’re unlikely to get a mortgage approved without him having life insurance? If both of you are just winging these important legal considerations without actually knowing what your options and limitations are you won’t get anywhere.

That’s utter nonsense. The mortgage does not need to be insured. Crazy, but true.

CurlyGaelicGal · 07/04/2026 16:40

OP you need proper advice here, from a professional. You must know you’re unlikely to get a mortgage approved without him having life insurance? If both of you are just winging these important legal considerations without actually knowing what your options and limitations are you won’t get anywhere.

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