I want the house. AIBU?

You know nothing about the bloke to make this call.

neither had it anything to do with the question

I have read your posts OP, but not all the replies.

So, you have a flat which you need to sell and move from because your dp has 4 children.
He is clearly renting somewhere now as he has nothing to pay as a deposit.
This means at this point, he is not legible to buy a house big enough for what he needs, without your input.

So you are intitially funding step one of this new living arrangement. He is not funding any of it yet.

I think you need to take a step back here. Don't sell your flat. Rent it out and move in with the dp into a RENTED property. See how that goes with a totally blended family before you risk losing your independence.

This is why you need to have all insurances/assurances covered too! I have bought a house with my new partner (equal deposit placed by both of us!) he has no dc though so that helps…but I have two. In the event of my death my dc get over 500k (some in trust to their dad and some when they are 25), my DP technically gets the house (paid off and lifetime interest) and some cash, but on his death the house goes to my dc too.

Tenants in common to protect your deposit.
A will Could reflect everything after that is divided 50/50 you leave to your children and he leaves his half to his children. He’s a leach to think your flat money should go to his children. ! They have a mum to inherit from.

We're married and have two of our own. DS has two from previous marriage. DHs half is in trust so that when he dies I can live in it without selling up but when I die his half (and mine) go to all four children equally. I think that's the fairest way of doing it.

No guarantee he'd include your child if anything happened to you. He can change a will at any time without saying anything to you. Don't buy with him now. Wait till he can match your deposit and make the house joint tenants with your half going to your child and his going to his children.
Or don't buy at all he sounds like a potential cocklodger.

OP - the thing with wills is you can change them.

So suggest this - continue with your deposit is ring fenced, you then both own half the rest of the house, with insurance that covers the mortgage if one of you dies. Until your baby is 18, you will have mirror wills that leaves everything to each other, or divided between the children if you both die. (I would also add something about how the money will be held for the children if they are still under 18).

Then say after your baby (or youngest if you had another dc) becomes an adult, you change the wills to each leaving your half to your children, with a right for the remaining spouse to stay in the house as long as they want.

I’d stress how hard it would be for either of you as a single parent with a young child, and you might need the flexibility of being able to move house for work /schools etc, but then you wouldn’t have the full house value to do that so would trap you, or him.

Comments like this are neither fair or helpful.

we know nothing about the man. Financial cost of divorce etc. nothing.

it adds nothing to the debate

A basic life insurance policy- I’m not talking critical injury- just life insurance. Isn’t that expensive so long as there’s no surprising pre existing conditions.

Realistically most people can't afford two sets of valuable assets (a share of a house AND separate insurance policies).

This is what life is when you marry someone who already has children. He will want to love & provide them as much as he does your child. Yabvu unreasonable to expect him to cut his own DC out of a share of inheriting what is likely to be his most valuable asset.

This is just the trope of the 'wicked stepmother' in reverse. If you reverse the sexes then it makes it plain what you are saying here:

Never trust a woman with other kids, her loyalties are too divided.
She might even prioritise her older kids over yours because they were born first.

I think you need to take legal advice. But there are clearly solutions as this isn’t an unusual situation

my thoughts

1- I don’t think either are wrong. You need an adult conversation about this, and it should really have taken place before putting in an offer on a property.

2- I think the best short term solution is he takes out another Insurance policy for his 3 children with an ex partner. Especially in this period where your financial contributions on the house are so different. It’s something as a family you’ll have to budget for, but it’ll probably meet both your needs

3- there’s a lot of baseless judgements made about this man. As normal. When I bought, my now wife didn’t have a deposit. Sometimes life goes like that. We know nothing about him. What divorce cost him, what he financially gave up. Nothing at all. So calls on his character are very premature

3- the OP is thinking very short term here. What I get. But if he’s another 30 years, and he’s contributing financially to the home, then I get the issue with his children being disinherited. So in the short term he needs an additional policy, but longer term I also think there needs to be a consideration again

4- it’s pretty clear that buying a place requires her selling the flat. Obviously in an ideal world she keeps it…. But clearly they can’t. Renting is throwing money away when you’ve 4 kids and need security. It’s in nobody’s interest.

But they clearly can’t afford the house without selling the flat.

Renting a similar home is going to be throwing money away. They’ve also 4 kids and would be at the whims of landlords

No she’s not. She just needs solid legal advice.

He’s in a second relationship. He’s got 4 kids. they’re never going to be in a position to have equal deposits unless he comes into serious money.

renting forever isn’t the answer. No financial sense and no domestic security.

Don't marry him and don't buy a house together. If he doesn't have an equal deposit and equal monthly contributions, you are fucking yourself over and your child.

Buy a house in your name and let him live there.

What about her child? She does indeed have to think of her own child.

Yeah and don't sell your flat. And don't buy together. Just rent.

First of all, congrats on the baby to be!

But.. after 3 years I wouldn't sell the flat as it is your security. You both need to be on the same page on everything imo. I would just concentrate on the baby and for the time being continue to rent. I wouldn't risk losing your family home if anything happened to him when you have your child to think about.

Either he wants to merge finances with you, or he doesn't. But it sounds like he wants to merge your money in with his, but he doesn't want merge his money in with yours.

So stay unmerged.

Assuming you need a 3 bedroom place now he needs to pay for 2/3rd and you should pay 1/3rd. That way you each pay for yourself, 50% each for your joint child and he pays for a room for his children.

Because if he doesn't want to merge finances, that;s fine but you shouldn't have to pay for his children.

When my mum died her half of the house went to me and my brother, my stepdad owned the other half. He bought us out :)

Nope… don’t do it. He doesn’t acknowledge your flat as yours of your baby as his.

The upsetting thing about this is that you don't have his children's best interests at heart. YABU

I’d be quite wary of lifetime interest and cap it at a certain amount of years, for the stepchildren’s sake. My mum has a friend who was in this situation. There was a 22 year age age between her and stepmum. She got her inheritance 50 odd years after her dad died, and trying to get her stepmum to maintain the house was a nightmare towards the end. It’s just too long.