Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

207 replies

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Rachelshair · 02/04/2026 15:05

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 14:47

You don't know my situation and why I cannot drive at the moment. I do not NEED to ask her for lifts as I stated previously, I am always more than happy to take public transport, I simply asked as it was on her way and we always help each other out in these ways. That's actually the first time in our multiple year friendship that I ahve ever asked for a lift (if you would consider it a lift because again, she did not have to go out of her way at all).

Show quote history

I was suggesting learning to drive as a way to avoid her and to make it easier to get around with a baby but it's obviously not obligatory
I would still say it's a lift though, when someone is going the same way as you. It doesn't have to be a detour to be a lift (but maybe you call it something else?)

Rainbowsandsunshine72 · 02/04/2026 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So do you, for being so judgmental and childish. Is this all you’ve commented on out of the whole issue… jelaous x

Piglet89 · 02/04/2026 15:03

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:01

I forgot another comment she made recently about his personality- she was saying how a “husband should be serious” and that she wouldn’t want someone “constantly joking around,” then added “I know your husband is quite jokey but I think the husband should be the serious one.” Again, not outright nasty, but it’s the constant tone of comparison

Is she twelve? This is a totally ridiculous thing to say.

Rainbowsandsunshine72 · 02/04/2026 15:03

MyBrightPeer · 02/04/2026 12:50

I think it’s coming from a place of insecurity. I would grey rock it - or deploy the phrase “nice for you, not for me” until she gets the message.

She doesn’t sound that fun to be around though, is this someone you actually want to be friends with?

I had a friend like this and it IS 100% a place of insecurity. She has to put you down somehow or “I could never” “my husband could never”…

Both myself and DH went away with friends when our toddler turned 1 and she would “I could never” or “my DH wouldn’t want to miss 3 days of his child’s life”

I take my child abroad “I could never take my child on a plane”

I told her what me and DH were up too and somehow “we would never”

I eventually dropped her and it was the best choice of my life, life’s too short for jealous friends x

TheNorns · 02/04/2026 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Who has a 'dream bag'? What a weird concept. It's like those people who've been storing up baby names since they were five, and get cross that the other person involved in producing the baby isn't wowed by whatever ghastly confection her five year old self thought was perfect.

IdentityCris · 02/04/2026 15:00

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:01

I forgot another comment she made recently about his personality- she was saying how a “husband should be serious” and that she wouldn’t want someone “constantly joking around,” then added “I know your husband is quite jokey but I think the husband should be the serious one.” Again, not outright nasty, but it’s the constant tone of comparison

Oh dear. If ever anything screamed "My husband is the world's most boring man" this does. Maybe a response such as "If men never make jokes, they become terribly dull, don't they?".

Dodorogers · 02/04/2026 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IdentityCris · 02/04/2026 14:53

I think I'd go for the head tilt plus a response along the lines of "You seem to feel the need to compare your husband to other ones all the time, is there something about him that's worrying you?"

Certainly my response to the comments about "Your husband isn't so dominant/so protective" comments would be "No, thank god. I'm an independent woman, I couldn't put up with that".

Coclare · 02/04/2026 14:52

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:36

God if I said I'd love the break, I can already hear her making a comment about how she loves her husband's company so personally wouldn't want a break 😂

Show quote history

So it’s even gone so far that you are censoring what you say because it would irritate her? Not only is she putting you down - she is now silencing you as well. Very toxic.

tachetastic · 02/04/2026 14:49

That poor woman, to be feeling so insecure after only two months of marriage. I would just laugh and change the subject. If it gets too much cool the friendship for a while. Within six months she will have relaxed, she’ll be pregnant and her DH will do no right, or they’ll be getting divorced.

fabstraction · 02/04/2026 14:49

She sounds annoying, and I'd probably stop interacting with her as much, but as you say she's nice in other ways, I think I'd have to contradict her every time she says something you find undermining or 'competitive' about your marriage.

It's possible that this behaviour will fade naturally once she's been married for a while, but if not, I'd definitely take a closer look at what you're actually getting from the friendship. I can't see how someone who does this frequently could be much of a friend. It's weird!

dayslikethese1 · 02/04/2026 14:48

I would just say something to the effect of 'Well this is what works for us/how we like to do things but everyone's different' if she makes a dig about some particular action but otherwise try and ignore. She sounds not happy with her own relationship tbh since she keeps making passive aggressive comments so I'd just try not to be drawn into it.

MyDeftDuck · 02/04/2026 14:48

It does look as though everything in her garden is not as rosy as she would like you to think - hence the constant put-downs. Perhaps stop oversharing with her?
Be yourself and be happy OP 💐

Original poster
suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 14:47

Rachelshair · 02/04/2026 14:42

This would get very tiresome and also quite hurtful. Her views on marriage sound a bit weird as well. No joking, being dominant, back by 8pm, err ok, you do you.
Maybe your husband should pay for driving lessons and a car for you instead of a bag? Then you wouldn't need to ask her for lifts. Public transport with a baby is a right faff.

You don't know my situation and why I cannot drive at the moment. I do not NEED to ask her for lifts as I stated previously, I am always more than happy to take public transport, I simply asked as it was on her way and we always help each other out in these ways. That's actually the first time in our multiple year friendship that I ahve ever asked for a lift (if you would consider it a lift because again, she did not have to go out of her way at all).

OP posts:
wizzywig · 02/04/2026 14:43

Doggymummar · 02/04/2026 13:35

I might be off here, but this sounds like my friend who has an arranged marriage, she is always trying to compare as she has no reference for a love marriage

Edited

I had wondered if the person was asian as ive only seen these comments from my asian pals.

Rachelshair · 02/04/2026 14:42

This would get very tiresome and also quite hurtful. Her views on marriage sound a bit weird as well. No joking, being dominant, back by 8pm, err ok, you do you.
Maybe your husband should pay for driving lessons and a car for you instead of a bag? Then you wouldn't need to ask her for lifts. Public transport with a baby is a right faff.

WiseFawn · 02/04/2026 14:42

It's so tricky OP because meaning is often shaped by tone, body language etc so it's hard to say as an outsider what is going on.

The main thing though is that you figure out what feels good and clear and supportive to you, and if this friend leaves you feeling drained maybe it's time to gently shift the boundaries and as other posters have said, share less personal stuff.

I'm guessing she has other good qualities and things you admire about them so maybe this is good feedback that she's not the right person for deep relational chats about husbands.

TheShoeLady · 02/04/2026 14:41

My grandma used to say “well, it wouldn’t do for us all to be the same, my duck”

I’d just deploy that on repeat!

blubberyboo · 02/04/2026 14:41

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:01

I forgot another comment she made recently about his personality- she was saying how a “husband should be serious” and that she wouldn’t want someone “constantly joking around,” then added “I know your husband is quite jokey but I think the husband should be the serious one.” Again, not outright nasty, but it’s the constant tone of comparison

I think you just need to get better and quicker at shutting down comparisons and highlighting that all marriages are not meant to be the same.

” what works for your relationship wouldn’t work for all” rinse and repeat.

it does strike me though that she possibly isn’t happy and maybe quite vulnerable in her marriage.

when she says things about dominance look concerned and ask her is everything all right in her marriage and does she feel safe.

StormGazing · 02/04/2026 14:40

There’s jealousy and insecurity hidden behind these passive aggressive put downs - I’d distance myself personally

Coclare · 02/04/2026 14:39

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 12:55

Well it screams that she’s insecure in her marriage. But be nonchalantly defensive back:

”Well I’m just glad my husband knows me well enough to buy the bag I want instead of the gold I don’t”
”Isn’t it weird that your husband wouldn’t do his best to provide for his family when they need it most! I’m glad mine does.”
”I’ve found in laws aren’t always that perceptive to realise we tell each other everything!”
“Oh there’s a fine line between protective and controlling, my husband will tell me if he’s concerned but totally accepts I’m my own person and I can make my own decisions about how late I’m out!”
”Are you okay with your DH being so dominating, I don’t think I could cope without my independence”

I suspect it’ll be a bit exhausting at first, but hopefully she’ll realise her way isn’t the only way, or get bored of hearing how great your DH is and shut up.

Oh good Lord no don’t do this. It’s not a sparring competition - who has the energy in life to be on alert ready for verbal combat with these types.

Listen to your feelings. She is hurting and undemining you in subtle but consistent ways. She’s either a contrarian with everyone anyway or she is especially piqued and a competitive frienemy behind the smiles with you.

Life is too precious to have these types knocking you off balance - who cares if she’s insecure, in a bad relationship, has issues - all that matters is she is deliberately putting you down. Drop the rope. Walk away and replace this negative waste of space with a reciprocal, mutually respectful and joyous friendship.

JLou08 · 02/04/2026 14:38

Sounds like she's in an abusive marriage and in denial about it. If she's in the position I expect you won't be able to resolve this by a frank conversation, she will just buckle down. You either wait out her admitting to herself then you that she is in an abusive marriage then support her or just distance yourself.

BillieWiper · 02/04/2026 14:36

Her husband has her on curfew and acts 'dominant'. I'd tell her to me that sounds like it could be abusive and does she understand about coercion etc?

It sounds like her marriage is in trouble and she's trying to deflect it onto your relationship. Ultimately though it sounds like she's not very nice. Maybe step away from the friendship?

CautiousLurker2 · 02/04/2026 14:34

Calypsocuckoo · 02/04/2026 13:02

If she was perfectly happy in an amazing equal marriage she wouldn’t try to make herself feel better by putting you down. This combined with an always right type personality is probably very wearing. If I were you I would try and withdraw from the friendship, as when you have your baby (especially if she wants a baby), this will become unbearable and you won’t have time or energy for it.

This is where I would fall. I would bet she has always had a streak of ‘negging’ you and you’ve dismissed it. You say she negs her DH too, so she is clearly not a very ‘nice’ person - and she isn’t really a good friend, is she? Can you imagine how bad she will be once you have your baby… and when/if she has one of her own?

I’d be fading this one out OP.

BestDIL · 02/04/2026 14:33

Honestly she sounds like one of the desperate ones on Married at First Sight who declares they are the strongest couple when in fact they are the weakest. In all honesty, I think I would stop seeing her so much. @WheretheFishesareFrightening suggested some blinding replies - try them.