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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

207 replies

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
ThemUnsYouseUns · 02/04/2026 20:16

I would actually be very concerned about her. To me it sounds like she’s in a very controlling relationship and she’s either subconsciously trying to reassure herself, or she’s subtly trying to work out how normal her husband’s behaviour is.

TastelessMiserySand · 02/04/2026 19:44

Your friend is sounding a little like a brainwashed wannabe 'trad wife' 😕

Coclare · 02/04/2026 19:32

Catlady007007 · 02/04/2026 16:01

Not necessarily.

A PP said she might feel superior.

I think in the case of my sibling, she certainly feels superior to me. It could be the same with the OP's friend.

Show quote history

I think anyone who ‘feels’ consciously superior to any other human being (unless they are a criminal!) is actually insecure underneath - as they are comparing themselves with others and their ‘loci or control’ is external which is a very unstable place psychologically as people are seeking validation for their sense or self from outside and unpredictable situations. As others have said some people get their (false) sense of security or keep themselves afloat by pushing other people down.

But we can ruminate and do analysis paralysis on someone else indefinitely but the only change is when we take action.

I have asked a couple of posters on this thread who have directed to tell her how you feel if they had done that themselves IRL and how it went. Alternatively if there is anyone else who has given feedback or received feedback on such behaviours and if that improved the friendship. My hunch is that with such reactive insecure types it’s a red rag to a bull and won’t go well - as their behaviours are very entrenched and their egos fragile and volatile. But I would like to be wrong.

I find it helpful to divide interactions and friendships into ‘radiators’ or ‘drains’ - consider how you feel afterwards - was it warm and mutual and productive or one sided, snipey and exhausting? You don’t even have to blame the ‘drains’ - you can just decide you are not compatible - they might find your company tedious as well - we might as well put each other out of our misery and actively replace the drains that have take up space in our social lives with radiators - that’s a much more pleasant way to live. Agree with PP that her grating will be intolerable when you have a baby / are sleep deprived etc. You don’t have any obligations to this frienemy but you do have an obligation to your own emotional wellbeing and you need to protect and enhance it always.

Original poster
suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 18:58

IsItBeesThoughLooshkin · 02/04/2026 17:24

Asian?

Show quote history

nope

OP posts:
nochance17 · 02/04/2026 18:54

She’s devaluing you to make herself feel better. I’d bet she is quite miserable underneath it all. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, why are you wasting your time with her if she is just winding you up with this game of oneupmanship. She is petty and immature. I would phase her out. Find better friends.

Lilmisspeacekeeper · 02/04/2026 18:39

Your friend would irritate me, i think I would say..."yes, yes, yes, your husband is better than mine, I've acknowledged it so now can you stop with the comparisons!"
But you might not have a friend after saying that😆

I think it's lovely your husband wants to buy you a designer bag, that's what you want! I think she's jealous of you getting a designer bag. In fact I think she's very jealous and insecure full stop, i'd be pulling away from her if I were you, because you'll make friends with other mums at mother and baby groups and toddler groups, you'll be at a different stage in your life to your friend when baby comes along.

Missj25 · 02/04/2026 17:49

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

I was friends with a person one time , we met every Tuesday.
She came to mine & the following week I went to hers .
She was very similar to your friend always passing snidy remarks , because that is exactly what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I like you use to question myself , “ am I overthinking “, “ perhaps I’m picking her up wrong “ .
I mentioned to another friend of mine that it was bothering me .
She gave me this advice , “ J if you leave someone’s company feeling negative, deflated , well then this isn’t someone whose company you should be keeping “.
She couldn’t have spoken a truer word.
I sent the friend in question a very nice message ,but basically told her we wouldn’t be seeing one another again .
And I have never spent time with her since , I salute her when I see her in person, we are both still living in the same town & it is small .
I’ll tell you one thing though , I have never ever regretted my decision.
She didn’t bring anything positive to my life only feelings of negativity.
I think you should cut your friend loose too .

Liveshives · 02/04/2026 17:40

Very normal for a birth gift to be something special to the mum.
OP, she sounds absolutely tedious and unhappy and insecure in her relationship.
Invest in other friends, this one is not going to survive.

SpryCat · 02/04/2026 17:37

She likes to put people down to make herself feel better about her own life.

UnhappyHobbit · 02/04/2026 17:29

I had a friend like this. Her marriage was put on a pedestal while she looked down on everyone else’s. Every comment was about how her and her DH were untouchable. Every anniversary was a big affair.
To be fair, her DH doted on her, so I believed it all.

You can imagine my shock after she did a runner from him. Looking back she was massively overcompensating for how she felt towards him.

IsItBeesThoughLooshkin · 02/04/2026 17:24

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 14:32

We're both of the same culture

Show quote history

Asian?

OriginalUsername2 · 02/04/2026 17:17

It sounds like she’s trying to convince herself of these things.

Catlady007007 · 02/04/2026 17:14

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 16:39

That’s interesting, as I feel superior to most people but I would never point it out to them. I go home and tell my DH why our lives are better than theirs in private 😂

Show quote history

Do you think that people get that vibe from you? You may think they don’t know but it might be very obvious?

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/04/2026 17:10

Itsseweasy · 02/04/2026 14:00

Yuck she sounds awful. She wants to feel superior to you all the time so is clearly extremely insecure.
If that was my so-called “friend” she’d be waved goodbye and packed off to find someone else to spout her narcissistic crap at 😂

She's not a narcissist, she's very insecure. I don't think narcissists do insecure.

Go on - say she's gaslighting OP too, then I can tick off another square on my MN bingo card.

Dancingintherain09 · 02/04/2026 16:50

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

She sounds insecure. I'd bet if anything it's more that she is jealous of you and she has obvious issues in her relationship that she is hiding.

Anywherebuthere · 02/04/2026 16:49

Stop talking about your husband to her and she won't have a reason to talk about him either.

If she does speak about him, don't engage. Don't engage in conversations about her husband either.

If there is nothing left to talk about once the husband comparisons is off topic then you'l have more clarity what your actual friendship is about.

Luxlumos · 02/04/2026 16:43

It sounds like she’s in denial about the problems in her own relationship. I’d be more concerned whether she’s actually ok.

BashfulClam · 02/04/2026 16:42

You need to get these comments. If she says ‘it’s be nicer if he bought you gold!’ I’d just look confused and say ‘buy I don’t want Gold I wants bag…I just told you that!’ When she says how her husband is more dominant I’d say ‘aw that a shame we are equal partners we don’t control each other.’ When she says ‘my husband would never do that!’ I’d reply ‘well mine is and we’re happy, it’s good for the future..’

MyMilchick · 02/04/2026 16:42

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:01

I forgot another comment she made recently about his personality- she was saying how a “husband should be serious” and that she wouldn’t want someone “constantly joking around,” then added “I know your husband is quite jokey but I think the husband should be the serious one.” Again, not outright nasty, but it’s the constant tone of comparison

Sounds like she's pushing this sort of "trad wife" idea of a husband to me.Sounds more like she's trying convince herself more than you. Ime people who are truly happy don't need to put others down to make themselves feel better

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 16:39

Catlady007007 · 02/04/2026 16:01

Not necessarily.

A PP said she might feel superior.

I think in the case of my sibling, she certainly feels superior to me. It could be the same with the OP's friend.

Show quote history

That’s interesting, as I feel superior to most people but I would never point it out to them. I go home and tell my DH why our lives are better than theirs in private 😂

Coclare · 02/04/2026 16:16

Catlady007007 · 02/04/2026 15:54

Your post really resonates with me OP.

I have a very old friend and she does this type of thing particularly about her children and schools. She's 'forgetful' about things and will tell me how her kids are really outgoing when I have listened to her for years saying they are not good at interacting. At one stage I was questioning myself as to whether I was losing it!

A sibling does something similar too. Her holiday is always better, her run is always faster. Its like everything is a competition I never engage and try not to tell her anything personal but she can make the most dull thing into a contest. Its exhausting.

I don't know why people do this. I'm reading this thread with interest.

This is how I feel. I wonder if it’s because I am a doormat and don’t challenge (because I don’t want a friendship where challenging, clapping back, censoring is the status quo) - and maybe everyone else has swerved them and I am the only fool left in the audience. I have noticed that before that whilst I was trying to right the dynamics I was too close to notice that everyone else had stepped right back. It’s a bit of a thing from childhood where I had to be responsible and the fixer - so that’s my ‘normal’ to stay and tolerate icky people.

BudgetBuster · 02/04/2026 16:13

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 16:08

Thank you... yes you're right. It is a bag I have wanted for years but would not ever justify buying it for myself. My DH kindly offered to buy me it when the baby comes. There's nothing more to it!

Show quote history

A former colleague of mine had a "Dream Perfume". She had bought a magazine with a sample version of it out her very first paycheck... but could never ever afford the real thing. She recently retired and we all chipped in to purchase this "Dream Perfume" and honestly I don't think I've seen anyone so happy.

We can all have dream things no matter the price tag that we just couldn't justify buying ourselves. I think its lovely that your DH is getting something for YOU as opposed to the standard jewellery.

Original poster
suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 16:08

Redpaisley · 02/04/2026 16:06

I could be wrong but I think it’s a designer purse which op has put it in awkward words. These bags are expensive and it might be something she loved to have but knew couldn’t justify the cost. A lot of people have these designer bags, why would you criticise her on this when there’s far more eye catching information in her posts?

Show quote history

Thank you... yes you're right. It is a bag I have wanted for years but would not ever justify buying it for myself. My DH kindly offered to buy me it when the baby comes. There's nothing more to it!

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 02/04/2026 16:06

TheNorns · 02/04/2026 15:02

Who has a 'dream bag'? What a weird concept. It's like those people who've been storing up baby names since they were five, and get cross that the other person involved in producing the baby isn't wowed by whatever ghastly confection her five year old self thought was perfect.

Show quote history

I could be wrong but I think it’s a designer purse which op has put it in awkward words. These bags are expensive and it might be something she loved to have but knew couldn’t justify the cost. A lot of people have these designer bags, why would you criticise her on this when there’s far more eye catching information in her posts?

Whosthetabbynow · 02/04/2026 16:05

She’s a competitive drain in your life. Drop the rope