Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend keeps undermining my marriage?

207 replies

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/04/2026 15:05

There is no way she’s happy! Think about it. Every time she’s snide it’s when your husband is earning well, buying you a gift etc etc and every dig is designed to make you feel that your relationship is lacking. She’s no friend. I wouldn’t bother with her. However, I’d have a bit of fun by making a point of telling her how blissfully happy you are whenever you do bump into her. After all, she’s not thinking twice about trying to make you feel crap, is she?

NormasArse · 03/04/2026 14:36

Ahh- I have a friend like this! I find it quite funny that he can’t be on his own (they’re joined at the hip). He thinks my marriage is weird because we sleep in separate rooms, and I do my own thing a lot.

He’s a lot younger than me, and I find his assumption that a relationship should be the same as his, to be successful, both amusing, and arrogant. I’ve told him so too!

Next time she starts, just say, ‘You do you- I’m happy.’

Coclare · 03/04/2026 14:25

How are you feeling about the opinions on this thread @suziequeue1and what do you think you will do next ?

Pherian · 03/04/2026 14:15

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

I’d probably stop telling her anything and just leave her to it.

Rhaidimiddim · 03/04/2026 12:17

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 13:01

I forgot another comment she made recently about his personality- she was saying how a “husband should be serious” and that she wouldn’t want someone “constantly joking around,” then added “I know your husband is quite jokey but I think the husband should be the serious one.” Again, not outright nasty, but it’s the constant tone of comparison

Sounds like her husband is now licking her into shape. A husband should be serious, dominant and protective.

Not your problem, I know, and it is early days, but coercive control has to start somewhere. Perhaps mention to her that her husband sounds like a Victorian Sunday School vicar, mention coercive control, see how it lands.

And/or just push back on the critical comparisons every time they start.

Typo edits

PloddingAlong21 · 03/04/2026 11:46

She sounds a right delight! I would call her out when she says such things. I wouldn’t go tit for tat as it will escalate. However ask her what she means or why she is saying something next time. Often people when forced to explain themselves get embarrassed and the behaviour stops.

I also think she sounds quite miserable and reading some of your comments I wonder if there is a bit of jealousy. Your DH going away for a month and you being ‘allowed’ to stay out ‘late’ = normal marriage and zero trust issues. To suggest this isn’t largely normal makes me think her DH is somewhat controlling. If my DH has any sort of opinion on my ‘home time’, that would be unacceptable to me. She isn’t a teenager who needs a dad to give her a curfew. Those comments all seem like red flags to me.

I also think a bag isn’t my cup of tea but also don’t think it’s weird. ‘Push presents’ have been around a long while. That’s essentially what it is. Doesn’t matter if it’s gold or a bag, sentiment is no different.

Are you bith from a different culture to that of British, whereby standing in society and family opinions matter more, therefore this is perhaps all a bit more ‘normal?’. I can’t think of anyone playing Top Trumps on husband traits - usually the opposite in a more jokey fashion.

Agree with other posters - worth looking at getting your driving licence. Public transport is easy on your own. Total faff with a kid. Gives you more options/flexibility.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. Congrats!!

OneAmusedRobin · 03/04/2026 11:25

Her relationship probably isn’t that great so she’s trying to put yours down to make hers seem better, she’s maybe jealous of what you have. Some people are just annoying like that. If it continues I’d raise it with her then ditch her if it continues and becomes unbearable, unless she has other redeeming qualities that you can’t live without. Life’s to short to be dealing with drainers

begonefoulclutter · 03/04/2026 11:21

@suziequeue1 Lots of people are speculating on her possible reasons for comparing your life and husband with hers. It doesn't really matter why she's behaving like this though, does it? Spending time with her does not enhance your life, so just let the friendship draw to a close.

Vaxtable · 03/04/2026 10:53

My guess is she’s finding it difficult and actually her husband is not being ‘protective’ but rather is controlling so she is putting her own narrative on it

you have some choices, let it go over you with a neutral ok or hmm that’s nice , tell her what she is doing and ask her to stop, or stop seeing her

Goditsmemargaret · 03/04/2026 10:53

This is extremely annoying behaviour from your friend. Of course it points to her not feeling very happy or secure in her marriage... But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate this nonsense.

I think your only mistake here is giving the silly criticisms any oxygen. Stop defending anything about your marriage. Turn it around on her entirely. The next time she she says anything pause then ask
"Is it all going well? I'm here if you want to talk about anything"

Do this or something version of it on repeat until in frustration she snaps "why do you keep asking me that, I've told you it's all amazing"

Then you calmly respond "yes I know you say that. But you might not be aware you are constantly comparing to my marriage or picking holes. I'm wondering if everything is really ok with you. I'm always here to listen."

She will either tell you the truth or not but she will certainly stop going for you.

RelishingGrpSupport · 03/04/2026 10:47

I've gone YABU. The PPs support you overall but you are getting YANBUs. Friend being horrid. Jealous. Tell her firmly it's hurtful and and not appreciated but if she can't stop herself she is out of your life and convos

BufferingAgain · 03/04/2026 10:36

I don’t get how the subject of husbands comes up so much. If you do want to continue seeing her (doesn’t sound that fun!) I would make it a game to never ever mention your husband and if she mentions hers change to subject immediately. Could actually be strangely satisfying? I think you need to decentre husbands and talk about other stuff

1000StrawberryLollies · 03/04/2026 10:26

She sounds awful tbh - I wouldn't want to be friends with her. Not just because she is being unpleasant about your relationship (clearly in order to make her feel better about her own), but also because of her apparent internalised misogynist attitudes to how men abd women should behave and what they shpuld expect from each other.

hideawayforever · 03/04/2026 10:23

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 12:55

Well it screams that she’s insecure in her marriage. But be nonchalantly defensive back:

”Well I’m just glad my husband knows me well enough to buy the bag I want instead of the gold I don’t”
”Isn’t it weird that your husband wouldn’t do his best to provide for his family when they need it most! I’m glad mine does.”
”I’ve found in laws aren’t always that perceptive to realise we tell each other everything!”
“Oh there’s a fine line between protective and controlling, my husband will tell me if he’s concerned but totally accepts I’m my own person and I can make my own decisions about how late I’m out!”
”Are you okay with your DH being so dominating, I don’t think I could cope without my independence”

I suspect it’ll be a bit exhausting at first, but hopefully she’ll realise her way isn’t the only way, or get bored of hearing how great your DH is and shut up.

Love this,!

As other posters have said she's insecure and jealous.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 03/04/2026 10:20

Nogimachi · 03/04/2026 10:17

The way to avoid this is to not tell her things about your husband and what he’s doing for you.
She does sound off, and as if she compares herself to you, but honestly the comment about the bag was asking for a reaction, I think. Surely the baby is enough of a gift, why would anyone want some material item as well? And why would you feel the need to tell someone about it. You can see how that could be construed as bragging, even if it wasn’t meant that way.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about a gift my husband gave me. Such things are private.

Edited

Why not? Eternity rings were traditionally given after the birth of the first child. It's sweet that he wants to give the woman he loves a gift.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 03/04/2026 10:19

This is a friendship I would be withdrawing from. She sounds exhausting.

Nogimachi · 03/04/2026 10:17

The way to avoid this is to not tell her things about your husband and what he’s doing for you.
She does sound off, and as if she compares herself to you, but honestly the comment about the bag was asking for a reaction, I think. Surely the baby is enough of a gift, why would anyone want some material item as well? And why would you feel the need to tell someone about it. You can see how that could be construed as bragging, even if it wasn’t meant that way.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about a gift my husband gave me. Such things are private.

nutbrownhare15 · 03/04/2026 10:16

Just use the Mumsnet classic 'did you mean that to sound rude (about my husband)?' use it every time. But also she sounds nasty and do you really want to hang around with her. I'd never say this kind of stuff to my friends about their relationships

Frugalgal · 03/04/2026 10:11

suziequeue1 · 02/04/2026 12:47

I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, but it’s got to the point where I leave conversations with her feeling really irritated and slightly put down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m overreacting or if it actually is as off as it feels.
For context my friend got married 2 months ago and I've been married 5 years, but even before that she’s always had a bit of a “know it all” streak. Recently though it’s turned into what feels like constant, subtle digs at my husband and my relationship.
It’s never outright rude, but it’s very consistent and always framed as a comparison. For example, I mentioned my husband wants to buy me my dream bag when I give birth, and she said “I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold.” Not awful in isolation, but it’s the tone.
I said he’s going away for a month for work because he’ll be getting paid double, and she immediately said “I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.” I explained I encouraged him to go as we need the money and I’m fine, and she just gave me a look and said “my husband would never do that.”
She does this a lot - frames everything as “my husband would never…” or implies her relationship is somehow stronger. She was talking about being worried about her in-laws and I said sometimes they say things when your husband isn’t there (as that’s happened to me), and she said “well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare.” It just felt like a dig, as if to suggest me and DH aren’t close?
What I find odd is she’s actually told me quite negative things about her own husband (e.g. him not wanting her out past a certain time), but then she reframes it as “protective” and uses it to make comments about mine like “I know your husband is less protective” or even “maybe your husband isn’t as dominant” when I mentioned a disagreement I had.
It’s that kind of comment that really doesn’t sit right with me. It feels quite undermining and honestly a bit disrespectful, but because it’s said in a casual way I don’t know if I’m making it into a bigger deal than it is.
Another example that didn’t sit right with me... before she got married she told me she struggles with anger. I opened up and said I used to as well, and therapy really helped me, especially early in my marriage as I had to learn to handle disagreements better (my husband has always been very calm and patient).
Instead of engaging with that, she kept insisting she “wouldn’t have that issue” because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family. It felt like she completely missed the point and turned it into another comparison about husbands, which is something she does a lot.
It’s also the fact it’s so frequent now- almost every conversation ends up with some sort of comparison or comment about my husband/relationship.
AIBU to feel like this is actually quite off behaviour? Or am I being too sensitive?

She's basically doing the in-person version of that Facebook thing where people post gushing updates about how wonderful their lives are and how they have the best husband/marriage/ life ever.

They do this because they feel that if they can convince others that everything is wonderful they might feel better about their shitty lives and problems.

She's not happy and she's trying to convince herself that her life is better and she's happier than you.

Who the heck wants a 'dominant' husband?! What's that about?

Lurkingandlearning · 03/04/2026 06:33

She seems to have got her views on marriage from romantic novels. Very, very old romantic novels.

I think you do need to challenge her every time or she will never stop. I think the grey rocking approach would go over her head. PPs have made some great suggestions for things to say. Most are more diplomatic than mine which is

“Congratulations you have won the Who Has the Best Husband competition.” Followed by either an ear splitting brisk hand clap or a derisory slow one.

You are a very good and patient friend but does she deserve you

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 03/04/2026 03:47

Firefly100 · 02/04/2026 13:33

You are not being too sensitive. This would piss me off mightily too. Id either stop seeing her, share way less information with her or challenge her every time till she packs in (maybe resulting in her choosing not to see me). Depending on how much I liked her. As many have said, she is almost certainly unhappy but that doesn’t help you.
Challenging would consist of going back to basics to point out her unreasonableness in a slightly puzzled tone. (Keep the questions going till she admits she is wrong or changes the subject)
I find that really weird, it would be nicer if he bought you gold
Why would it be nice for him to buy me something I don’t want rather than something I do?
I can’t believe he would leave you when you’re pregnant.
Why would you expect him to go against my wishes? I’d be really cross if he ignored my opinion because he thought I knew best. Do you prefer your husband not to take your wishes into account? Why?
my husband would never do that
Never take your opinion into account? Why is that ok with you?
well they know my husband is my best friend and I tell him everything so they wouldn’t dare
So why are you worried then?
I know your husband is less protective
He trusts my judgement. Does your husband stop you from doing things? Do you need help?
maybe your husband isn’t as dominant
What so you mean by dominant? Does hyour husband dominate you against your will? Do you need help?
she wouldn’t have that issue. because her husband is amazing and she only has issues with her family.
So why do you think my suggestion is not applicable for your family?
You get the idea - you could have fun with it to see how long it takes and it will stop it riling you up.

All this

Leavesandthings · 03/04/2026 02:01

I don't think arguing back is the way.
Maybe the high ground is saying something like "you know, Lisa, everyone's relationship is different. What works for one couple doesn't work for another and that's fine. But when we talk about our relationships, you seem to make negative comments about me and husband. I'm very happy with husband, and I don't like hearing the comments. Can you stop yourself? You wouldn't like it if someone commented negatively about Kevin every time you brought him up."

MsAmerica · 03/04/2026 01:53

It doesn't matter what we think. If it's making you annoyed/unhappy, then speak up.

Coclare · 03/04/2026 01:28

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 21:16

Oh they might, but it’s not because I’m dropping in that my DH is better than theirs, or I did something better than them or one upped them. I literally hate bragging, so if anything they don’t know much about me or my life or ‘achievements’.

But I make friends easily and am generally well regarded and sought out at work, so I don’t think it’s a huge issue…

Show quote history

What do you feel that you are superior to most people about (that you don’t tell them?)

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 21:16

Catlady007007 · 02/04/2026 17:14

Do you think that people get that vibe from you? You may think they don’t know but it might be very obvious?

Show quote history

Oh they might, but it’s not because I’m dropping in that my DH is better than theirs, or I did something better than them or one upped them. I literally hate bragging, so if anything they don’t know much about me or my life or ‘achievements’.

But I make friends easily and am generally well regarded and sought out at work, so I don’t think it’s a huge issue…