To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

That sounds so hard for you - I really do sympathise. I've been in a similar position and the compassion fatigue is very real! After a while, my response to his expressions of pain was basically just a nod and a grunt through clenched teeth.

My DP eventually found a therapy that worked and ended up changing career to pursue it. But it took a few difficult years to get to that point. Hang in there, and I'd recommend getting a therapist of your own if you can

Anytime I mention an ailment, normally my hip, my OH says yeah my hip has hurt loads today.
He's a grief thief my dear

I’ve seen this dynamic play out over and over - women left coping with all sorts of physical problems with minimal sympathy and help and then years later the husband develops a problem and it’s a struggle to muster up sympathy.

Big hug op! You’re not alone.

If it helps sleeping with a satin pillowcase under the hips helps make it easier to move in bed at night.

I absolutely sympathise. My DH has a chronic condition… he does stuff to help but if he’s a bit stressed (he stresses easily) it flares up. Strategies that I find help me:
popping out somewhere he can’t follow me and whinge,
being overly sympathetic but it’s hard not to tip into sarcasm
hunour
getting out, both of us, we have a dog, that helps

we have also had a couple of calm chats where we’ve talked about managing a chronic illness. And some less calm ones.

gritting teeth.

best was when he was complaining about his dad doing something similar and how wearing it must be for his mum….a raised eyebrow did the trick there as you could see cogs whirring in his head.

I sympathise, mine is the same. I fund channeling Eglantine Price, giving it a quick "There, there!" and getting on with my stuff eventually puts a stop to the parade, but it is exasperating.

I agree with this.

I had some chronic back pain and spent nearly a whole physio session once talking about how your brain actually changes neurological pathways in response to persistent pain, and that you are always slightly tense and waiting for it to hurt.

OP, you say that the chiropractor helps but could this just be that he is getting a gentle massage that relieves some of the soreness, and that an actual physio plus exercises would be more beneficial in the long run.

I think I would have snapped at him by now and said 'Does going on about how much pain you are in actually help? If not, then stop doing it. It is having the total opposite of making me feel sympathetic.'

It sounds like neither of you are very kind to each other at all. Do you love him?

I have a lot of sympathy for you as genuine back pain is a dominant topic in our house too..

But with your husband, is the fact they havent found a cause adding to his pain? Its quite scary being in pain and not knowing why as you have no idea if it will heal and fear adds to pain. Also people can be more understanding if you can pinpoint a reason for pain so you dont need to 'advocate' for yourself in quite the same way. . If you say x is broken or y is trapped people know. Is he sort of stuck trying to get people take him seriously, forgetting you already do.

100% this!

It’s a man thing. This week I haven’t slept well at all Ive managed 4 hours over 3 days, I have ehlers Danlos syndrome and have a healing shoulder dislocation the two combined means I am in a ton of pain however Ive done everything that needs to be done apart from cooking yesterday as I couldn’t power through that.
My dh hurt his shoulder a few weeks ago nothing dramatic just moving furniture down/up stairs, and omg Ive heard nothing else! Now today he needs to “rest” and have a “rest day” as he’s in so much pain and the bastard was out cold asleep by 8pm last night and still asleep now! 🔪 You have my sympathy.

Distract, distract, distract.
Yourself (dont put the effort into distracting him your actions will suffice as an example). So if you can when the moan starts, take yourself out into nature or put on some music.
I find playing my musical instrument helps.
Do these things then report back :)

I also suggest giving some sympathy and the over intrusive suggestions. My DH does this performative pain too and sympathy actually lessens it.

If it's sciatica, is one of his medications Amitriptyline? I had sciatica in my right buttock end of last year and have to admit the pain was bad. There was no way I could get comfortable sitting or lying down. It was my physio (had recently had knee replacement) who enlightened me that pain killers were useless for sciatica (true) and that I should ask GP for a nerve blocker. Within a few days of starting this drug I could barely feel it, and they help you sleep too.

I sympathise with both you and your DH.

@Pteradon I wonder if he needs to see another physio. DD1 has a lot of pain in her hips and back. The junior physio decided she couldn't help her because everything she tries hurts too much. The senior physio has seen her and said that basically, she's been in so much pain for so long that her brain has decided it really needs to protect her back, so it's guarded all the muscles really tightly. At the same time, it's switched off her tummy muscles so her back muscles have become really stiff and tight.

She's asked me to get an exercise ball and DD1 will just do some rocking exercises at first. The aim is just to loosen up the muscles a bit so that the physio is less painful.

I wonder if the same could be true for your DH, especially if he's spending 4 hours per day travelling?

I think ignoring it may be making the problem worse. When people make performative noises about pain it's because they are seeking sympathy. So if you withhold sympathy his pain noises will increase as he tries harder and harder to elicit your sympathy. Can you bring yourself to make a bit of a fuss of him next time he does it? It only has to be a few seconds of 'oh you poor thing you sound in pain'. You may find that if you respond with sympathy each time he complains that he starts to complain less. Counterintuitive I know but worth a shot in my view.

His commute isn't helping is it? Sitting puts c200% more strain through the back.

Has he tried other therapies like reflexology or acupuncture? If I was in pain I'd be trying lots of alternative approaches where standard medicine doesn't help. Even a deep massage whilst painful, may be helpful. He needs to ask chat gpt to provide some ideas.

I do agree BTW, in Broad terms men are so much less able to deal with I'll health than women esp pain. That doesn't mean he isn't in pain it is just that we crack on. This is one of the reasons healthcare discriminate against women and is typically poorer than that given to a man and women's health is poorly researched/understood.

My dh has a chronic condition that is intermittently quite painful and he does gasp involuntarily sometimes (he doesn't always know I can hear) . But he doesn't do performative noises.

I'd also be very tempted to put noise cancelling headphones on and listen to a podcast (while slyly observing if he bothers with the moaning and groaning if he doesn't think you can hear)

I'm imagining myself in your situation being annoyingly over-solicitous. Every time he moans saying "oh dear, perhaps you ought to do some stretches". "Do you need to go for a walk?" "Should you sit in the other chair, is it better for your back?" And just really making him.aware he is intruding in your headspace by being as intrusive back...

Yehhh same here. Husband constantly has pain. Won’t stop going to gym. Won’t accept that his body is just getting older. Spends hours looking up/trying stretches/supplements and making ‘pain’ noises. I know I’m generalising and stereotyping but I’m going to say it anyway - woman suffer a lot of natural pain (periods/pregnancy/child birth) and learn it’s part of life. Men think any pain should be instantly curable.

I wonder if it's the moaning or the lack of doing anything constructive about it, that's possibly irritating you more? Like you I had a period of chronic pain from hip issues. It sucked but I did physio, saw a mobility specialist, went to the gym and started pilates. Two years later I'm mostly pain free but it was / still is a lot of maintenance work. With two young children you want a partner who is active and mobile and ready to go not someone who moans and whimpers every time they get up out of a chair. Maybe give him a bit of a kick up the ass to get it sorted before it's too late?