To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

I totally understand. Even though you feel horrible it is natural to grow tired and upset and overwhelmed when your partner can’t… partner. My husband has had a neuralgic issue for a year now. He can barely leave the house, can’t cook, can’t empty the dishwasher, I get groaned at for moving too much in bed, he can’t look at screens. He’s having a really shit time of it, but after 7 months I want to scream because I’m so tired of doing everything and constantly hearing about how in pain he is.

It’s not his fault. It’s also not yours. You’re having to bear a burden too and it’s ok to feel annoyed. You do have to try and breathe through it though. Give him some paracetamol.

I have sciatica on and off, and it helps to move.

It sounds like his pain isn't being managed very well (assuming all the noises aren't performative).
He might need a medical review to manage pain relief better.

I agree with others that you sound resentful, every time you answer a question about your husband you also answer that question about yourself.
You're very much stuck in comparing his pain and difficulties with your pain and difficulties to the point where you probably don't realise you're doing it.

Read back your first few replies and you'll see what I mean.

You might benefit from counselling as you may have post trauma from your experience that needs processing.

My chiropractor said he couldn't help me any more, neither could the osteopath. I saw a consultant privately who said watching me walk it was my hips not my back. So off to orthopedic surgeon. One x-ray I had a diagnosis. Right hip stage four femoral head collapse.

Gabapentin helped me with the pain.

I have a similar situation. Husband has a chronic condition and our lives revolve around it. All he talks about is his pain. He's miserable all the time. It's not his fault but it's ruining both our lives. I can't see any end to it either.

When he does eventually heal he needs to work on looking after both kids on his own. I'm sure you weren't born knowing how to do it.

Being a tactless sod, I did once say to DH, "Does the groaning actually make you feel any better? Because if it does, carry on, but otherwise it's just making two of us miserable."

In my inadequate defence, it had been every bloody morning for years, across a range of real and possibly imaginary conditions. I was beyond anything more sympathetic than "Mmm" by that point.

Has he been allowed to develop his own way of caring for them? You won't feel confident otherwise.

If I try to tell him something or talk to him he winces and groans so I don’t feel I can carry on

Just pause and when he's stopped, carry on with what you're saying. I wouldn't say anything about how it's annoying you - that's the kind of thing he'll remember and bring up again later - but I would stop reacting to it and, effectively, step over it and carry on. Like he did with you.

I get it op- I’ve been living this life on and off for last few years! (Also a back issue) although my dh does do all he can and works hard at getting better, he is also very vocal when in pain. I actually think I have an element of PTSD as now whenever he has a flare up or is in pain it really affects my mental health. It literally takes over family life. I find I tend to shut off from him and become resentful and unsympathetic (which is not ideal but I don’t honestly don’t know how to change that)

I sympathise with you. You have a lot on your plate and on top of that have to be an emotional donor to your husband. Tell him that you find constant complaints about pain sexually off putting. I guarantee it will immediately stop.

Does he ever take the kids out anywhere?

I dont know how to teach you to feel compassionate towards your husband. It just usually comes with the territory.

What I will tell you is that in 2016, my aunt had similar symptoms that they treated as sciatica. She was on morphine in the end. It was eventually diagnosed as a rare type of cancer that is secondary to bladder cancer but the bladder part can usually go undetected until it spreads to this muscle, your psoras muscle. She died in 2018 after about a year of treatment.

You are not being unreasonable OP - I would feel the same way as you (incidentally I had sciatic pain nonstop for 5 months last year and kept it mainly to myself). It's tricky because your pain is in the past and he can't be retrospectively sympathetic. But I would definitely be pointing out to him (and MIL) some of what you have said here.

DH wasn’t ‘kind’ to me throughout my pregnancies or with a newborn; it wasn’t so much that he was unkind as just genuinely didn’t understand what a slog pregnancy is especially towards the end and didn’t seem to understand that after both sections I did need to heal.

You're still raging about this, and rightly so. Why would you be able to feel and show sympathy for a man with a twingy back, when he showed you none in the most vulnerable period of your life? There's nothing wrong with you, you're not a never ending font of benevolence and patience just because you're a woman.

We aren't better at dealing with pain or coping, we are socialised to be. We don't enjoy it any more than men do, we are no more capable, but we are forced to be because of this kind of nonsense. You have my sympathy. I'd be furious too. But then again, I think there's something wrong if you're a woman and you're not furious currently.

Resentment is destructive emotion. Have you got a friend who'll sit & listen to you let it all out & who you trust enough to let you be as angry as you need to be? The kind of friend who'll hold your beer, so to speak. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be angry with HIM, but personally I find letting the initial burst of pent up anger out, away from the person causing it, can be really helpful. It makes you more able to think straight, not respond emotionally when discussing it with partner & gives you more control over yourself/the situation. You really can't let resentment fester, it ends relationships & continually gnaws at your mental health.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, especially considering your history.

When my dh was younger & suffered back pain he went to an osteopath. Might be worth a try rather than the chiropractor.

I like the previous suggestion of reminding him what you went through with no help from him. In fact maybe bending, stretching & lifting the kids may help him whilst you go out for the day for some peace & quiet? And if mummy dearest complains that her darling boy is in too much pain to look after his own children, you can remind her what a useless, unsympathetic lump he was to you as well.

YANBU Even when I couldn't walk and tears were falling because of pain I shut up because moaning wouldn't help. It was just about 8 days but horrible (back blocked).

My DH complains about EVERY SINGLE little minor ache to the point that I breezily say "oh that must hurt- see the doctor" then change subject. He has accused me of not being empathetic but whenever I'm ill I still have to get on with things (sahm) and he doesn't help out.

No you sound equally unkind to each other. I don't think you sound more unkind. I just couldn't imagine feeling about that about my spouse in pain.

I really think "not doing anything" is unhelpful. He needs to keep moving! And yes the commute could well be exacerbating things

But to your issue: His parents are clearly 'oh my poor precious baby' types and this is what he has learned to do when uncomfortable..(probably explains my dh stoicism as his mum isn't interested in anyones discomfort but her own and was like that when dh was a kid)...So moaning is probably ingrained in your dh.

Im still erring towards "over-sympathise". You could suggest he asks for a referral to a pain clinic? It might even help!