To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

Well, I am very pleased not to be married to you OP! After medically uneventful middle age I developed agonising pain in my knees and back last year. I was fortunate to get on the Nuffield joint pain programme and now exercise 6 days a week and have lost over 2 stone. It is a bit better but I still have quite severe pain at night which disrupts my sleep and am really stiff in the mornings and evenings. As my support group would confirm depression is very common. I try to be positive but honestly no matter how hard I try it is not going to get much better than this, it constantly occupies my mind and having met a number of people recovering from knee surgery I am really going to avoid that if I can. I’m sure your husband feels his life is decimated. My husband is endlessly supportive and encouraging which is a lot of help, if I found out he was writing negative stuff about me on line I honestly wouldn’t have a life worth living. DH had some knee surgery in his 30’s and would be quite right to say I could have done more but at that stage in life he was set to make a full recovery and doesn’t see this as comparable to my situation. My mother, who struggled with arthritis died after a fall, a very common ending for those of us with the condition. I feel sorry for your H, OP, please be kinder.

People are suggesting ways to help your dh because your basic problem is that his complaining is annoying you and there are two ways to fix that - fix his pain (if possible) so he stops complaining or just get him to stop complaining while still being in pain,

it seems fairly obvious that fixing his pain so he no longer complains about it and is able to do more stuff is the better solution.

for what it’s worth I was in an accident fourteen years ago and suffer daily pain. Sciatica is like my pain - it is neuropathic and comes from nerves. Standard painkillers are fairly ineffective with it but SSRis like amytriptyline or gabapentin are quite effective.

so if you can bring yourself to force him to the doctors and get the appropriate drugs he will be in less pain, he’ll whinge less and piss you off less.

I think people are trying to find solutions for you, as in, if he had less pain it would be less annoying/frustrating. A stretching class would be around a fiver, he only needs to do it once to use those techniques at home himself. Same with physio, they give you a pamphlet, you’re then expected to do the exercises yourself at home. If he won’t that’s another matter and I couldn’t be doing with him.

He needs a physio, not a chiropractor. Chiropractors can make things much worse and are extremely dodgy. Research via your preferred search engine will tell you.

I think I'm your husband. I'm always in pain and always sad and whinging. I know it affects my DH and I do try to be positive and fake it but it's hard. He is very good but I also don't want to be a drain. I sympathise with both sides.

A friend of mine swore by acupuncture...

Well, complaining about it does actually make it worse:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34466577/

And I say that as someone with a chronic joint condition and who's suffered many bouts of sciatica.

I do not think you would be unreasonable to sit down and have a talk with him laying out that, the catastrophizing is making his pain worse, it is having an impact on the family and family life and that you are feeling some resentment as it is reminding you of some lack of support that you experienced when you went through the same thing, and how does he think you can both move forward.

Yes, why to we get all the huffing and puffing, grunting and groaning?

Sometimes I think it would be quieter if I moved out into a farmyard.😱

Well, he is in pain, it's not going away anytime soon, I'm sure that you've expressed sympathy many times and are doing your best to help him. That's all you can do; you're not obliged to talk about the same over and over. Next time he's moaning about it just make a polite sympathy noise or an oh dear sorry to hear that, and move on or redirect the conversation.

I have sciatica, stretching in very good for it, obviously it’s best if he has some guidance. My yoga instructor was amazing. Also, even when painful walking helps, it loosens everything up, worse thing is to become sedentary.

It sounds like it's a form of attention seeking especially if his family are enabling him. I've suffered from chronic back pain and it truly is horrendous but mine is from degenerative discs and managed by an osteopath in a flare up, walking at least 10k steps a day and not sitting/lying down too long. Walking up and down a swimming pool helps too. I don't touch medication anymore, it just makes you feel shit.

I would have little patience with him either.

But it’s her thread about her feelings - why is that bad?
He does absolutely need a medication review!

I know you're not really looking for pain advice @Pteradon but Pilates sorted out my sciatic pain when the osteopath failed.

Do you know if he makes the noises about his pain audible while at work or only when he's at home? I'd be tempted to do what others have suggested and comment sympathetically on it each time.

That's chronic illness for you

I’ve been through what your husband is experiencing and I ended up permanently disabled. I would’ve been so upset if my husband resented me wincing or crying out in pain, which I still do.

You need to find a way to get past your clear resentment. I guess you’ll still find his pain boring, but that’ll be all.

Well id say a chiropractor isnt as good as a physio for sciatica as a fellow sufferer. He needs to be stretching at least twice a day and if hes got a decent physio they will manipulate that nerve which is heavenly painful.

oh gawd, my OH drives me mad with his ailments and his tiredness, the sighing and sucking in of air does my nut. Yes, I know you're tired/your left bollock aches/your throat is a bit scratchy but man the fook up and get on with it!

You sound really resentful and that makes sense. You've got a "partner" that can't cope with caring for his two children alone, because it's not easy. No, it's not easy, and yes disappearing off on a Baggins side mission alone is a lovely luxury that you're presumabely not afforded.

I honestly think that a lot of men feel they interview a few woman for the position of wife, install said wife, bcome a father yay go me, and then settle back in for a lifetime of service from the wife, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

It's bullshit. I see it everywhere, it's no wonder women are divorcing men at a great rate of knots, because it's the biggest con going unless you've very much got your wits about you from the start.

I'm with you, OP, that would drive me insane.
Both DH and I have quite unpleasant physical issues at the moment (I have spinal stenosis which is chronic and he has a severely injured shoulder)
We both have a quick moan then crack on with it, take our meds, joke that if we were horses we've have been shot by now.
Dh has an acute injury on top of an old one (ex cyclist that shattered his shoulder) and he's in severe pain. Can't be operated on without huge risk (needs muscle grafts etc which they think might not take) but doesn't moan. Yelps in his sleep when he moves.
I probably moan more 😆as mine won't get better... but like you, still have to crack on and I'm granny care to a 4 yr old and 13 m old and have an energetic dog to walk too.
We allow each other a quick moan a day :)
Tell him he's allowed to moan once and then needs to get on with it just like you had to!!!!

We are both stoic non-complainers here so your husband would drive me up the wall. We support each other but don’t whine and abrogate our responsibilities.

I don’t understand households however where the man can’t look after his kids alone. My husband could look after both our children from day one, so these families blow my mind.

@GlovedhandsCecilia I dont know how to teach you to feel compassionate towards your husband. It just usually comes with the territory.

Compassion comes easily when someone you love has a sudden change for the worse. But compassion day after day after day, when the situation never gets better and your own life is affected, is a completely different thing.

You're being expected to provide comfort and aid that you never received when you were in need and it hurts/stings every time kind of thing? How were you communicating your needs at that time?