To feel like DHs pain is starting to affect me mentally now?

OP, I really feel for you. And with every post, I got more and more angry with your H on your behalf. The "never in too much pain for sex" comment actually infuriated me.

I personally think that along with the resentment about how unsympathetic he was when YOU were in pain, I think another factor seems to be his complete refusal to acknowledge how YOU are stepping up for him now. I have had a really tough couple of weeks and DH has been a rock. And I've told him that and shown my appreciation and, I hope, he can see that I have done as much as I can rather than just throwing my hands up and going, "no, i can't do it." there have been a few times in the past where its been the other way round and I have to admit, I got very resentful that DH seemed so oblviou to the way I was supporting him, particularly after the initial period was over and it was slipping into routine for me to do the support and him to expect it....

I actually think you DO need to have a conversation. It's not happened becuase you are worried about looking unsympathetic, but the more resentment builds, the more you are going to become genuinely unsympathetic.

I don't know HOW you address it. If it was me and DH it would probably either be me snapping and us having an argument, forcing a conversation. Or, I'd probably sit him down and talk to him - which would also cause an argument, but hopefuly, aslo lead to some resolution and acknowledgement.

You have to do the stretching for what he's suffering from OP. Every day without missing. There's no point dismissing physios, people only do that because they can't be bothered with the basic stuff and put the work in.

He's just going to suffer otherwise and you by default.

Sex helps but walking up the stairs to help with care of the kids is too hard? Pull the other one

I’m a bit like your DH with back pain (I’m not in pain now). I try not to be and I know it doesn’t help me and definitely doesn’t help the people around me.

To me (and I hate saying this as it sounds pathetic) but I hate being held back from doing things and it feels like if I say nothing, no one knows and it only exists to me.

I don’t want him to focus more on the pain but what about a symptom tracker app to “monitor what helps”. Direct him to this and if sore ask if he wants some distraction instead of talking about the pain, I would find cooking together quite good as kind of pottering/ lean on counter/ sit if needed and listen to music etc. When I type this I know it probably sounds ridiculous to suggest cooking, hopefully you understand my point. It is different as the suggestion has come from me and it’s my intent to try and not talk about it.

Chiropractor is a specialist working with bones, so to speak. Your dh’s problem is inflammation of the nerves. He needs good sports’ masseuse, who works with muscles.
Also, diclofenac pessaries. Oral diclofenac, paracetamol, ibuprofen doesn’t touch the pain. It is excruciating pain- as if you are being burned from the inside.
Cupping will help, too. Buy cheap set of suction cups and try it at home. There are videos to watch on YouTube how to do it.
As how to start feeling sorry for him- I have no advice.
All I know is I wouldn’t have been able to go through 2 pregnancies (or have sex!) when suffering from sciatica. The pain is unbearable and comparable to a childbirth.

Absolutely this !!!! I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and would respond to every wince and sucking in of air and moaning about his pain with something along the lines of this until he shut up . If didn't shut up and get the hint after some time id leave him. Why is he staying in a hotel? This is giving me the start of the "script " . You don't look after him have sympathy so he'll keep putting onto you until the relationship can't be saved then its your fault op

How are you reading OP's posts and accusing her of lacking compassion??

I hear you. I think as woman we are expected to get on with any pain from as early as we start our menstrual cycle - however painful, you are never given much sympathy. It continues into adulthood with childbirth. I had a very difficult first pregnancy (awful pelvic pain) and a very long painful birth (baby born back to back) with no pain relief. Had back problems since. Just expected to get on with it really. I’m naturally quite determined and independent so I push through pain and illness. My husband on the other hand, will let everyone know when he is unwell and huffs and puffs too. I swear he makes the noises for attention 🤦‍♀️ If we had the same illness, I would be expected to get on with the cooking, cleaning and running after the kids but he’d be bed ridden and too unwell to lift a finger. It’s maddening.

My husband had an awful time with sciatica a year or so ago. Eventually he had acupuncture which sorted it in 3 sessions - worth looking into?

Hi im wondering that despite the pains is he able to be sexually intimate with you still given that involves physical movement - any winsing from him? Id feel the way you do - especially given the way he has treated you during your ill health - i feel your emotional pain - understandably your carrying resentment - he wasnt supportive to you - f....him - tell him you know hes in pain but it aint labour - - wear headphones so you dont need to hear the moans and groans - avoid him when you can!!! Hes on pain relief - if its not working for him he needs to see your GP. Its not an attractive look for him. Maybe he was pandered too as a child - maybe you had to get on with it when you where unwell - this may play a part too. Good luck

And this is why I think I'm a bit of a cow.

What I can't judge is how much pain DH is in. I do know that he rarely helps and groans to anyone outside the family.

What is the instrument you play?

Tuba?

Electric violin?

It's at times like these I wish I'd taken up the saxophone.🎶

You're making total sense OP, don't let anyone guilt you for venting. So many things have been harder for you and easier for him in the relationship, and it's continuing like that.

How old is he? I wonder if he's over-egging the pain (plausible, re: sex) to lay the groundwork for giving up work?

A friend's dh has done that, I help the family with childcare/housework sometimes, and it pisses me off so much - god knows how my extremely overworked friend doesn't murder him in his sleep. She's probably too knackered.

I think you need to tell him no more sex because it appears to be prolonging his pain. I read your post about him always being up for that without complaining about pain. He may stop moaning then. If that doesn't work as others have said tell him to stop moaning and remind him about how you managed in pain before. Wish you well this weekend

Have you ever been as frank with him as you have been on here?

Presumably because she would feel mean to communicate her real feelings.

No solutions but I feel your pain (if you’ll pardon the pun). My DH intermittent back pain, but it’s also often connected to his mental health. If his back starts to flare up, as often as not so does his depression and all I can think is “oh shit, here we go again” as the house is filled with him wincing and him hobbling around. I don’t doubt for a moment that he is in pain, but it’s definitely more dramatic when affected by his depression. And it’s the depression that makes his pain worse and not vice versa. All I can do is grit my teeth and try to be supportive but it’s not easy.

What’s stopping you from using your words and communicating your feelings?

Correct me if I'm wrong (I might be!) but shouldn't a MRI pick up on the underlying cause of Sciatica if you have it?
At least that's what my DM was told when she went to have hers.

It probably helps.

Given what you have been through yourself, you are far from being horrible.
I'm one of these people who remember almost everything, whether I chose to or not.
I'd be more than fed up with the situation, maybe even walking away.
Different circumstances, obviously.
His conduct is not on.

I am genuinely trying to work out how people suffer with agonising pain and don't wince or grunt with the effort of moving, I can't help those noises, they are involuntary. I don't bring it up in conversations though unless it's to say I can't hoover or cook tonight because I'm in too much pain but I can't stop the noises. How??

Absolutely, especially if the instrument in question is a trumpet or bagpipes. A hearty rendition of "Flower of Scotland " every time he starts moaning will probably nip it in the bud.