AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

How is this even a choice? You do not have sufficient space in your current accommodation.

He can't sleep on a sofa for the foreseeable with a screaming newborn next door. Where will he be able to retreat to for some quiet time? Where will he keep his clothes and toys? Where will he get changed? FFS it's a non starter.

Tell your DP he will have to find somewhere else to live with the nephew until either your new house is ready or nephew has somewhere else appropriate to go.

I would honestly rather live alone with my children than entertain this setup with 6 people, one of whom is vulnerable and one is a newborn, in a 2 bed house.

His plan is basically to lie and say that it’ll just be him and DN staying in the house. Which may not actually be a lie anymore.

This is incredibly telling. He actually does know that the situation would be unacceptable - to the DN and to you and the DCs - and SS wouldn't allow it. So it's not just the lie, it's what's behind it.

Did you even read the OP? OP’s SIL is not some poor woman who has been involved in a tragic accident leaving her unable to care for her son. He’s being removed from her “care” due to serious neglect. And you talk about the OP letting her down?

The lifetime of consequences has already started. The useless mother has created these consequences.

I think your partner is underestimating how much work parenting involves especially when a child has extra needs. You said he owns his own business so where does he think he is going to get the extra time to invest in dn because that is what he will need. Who is the bulk of the parenting going to fall on? If it is you with a newborn, then yes it will be difficult and it's not wrong of you to not want to take it on. If your dp has an established business where he is able to get other people to take over the reigns whilst he can support the transition for dn or has a plan in place then fair enough. He needs fp meet his basic needs by providing a safe, stable roof over the child's head, meals, routine, discipline etc. Then there's the stuff like school, homework, appointments having childcare in place for school holidays etc. In addition there is the extra love, reassurance and stable presence this lo will need and even then there is no guarantee the damage already done can be worked through.

I would also want more detail on the child's behaviour issues. What does that involve? Is it low level acting out or is self harm, harm to others an issue? Is school refusal an issue, has he had any counselling?

So many people take an emotional response to it and have stated they wouldn't leave their nephew to go into care but op isn't asking about yours this is a child with behavioural issues. Yes she hasn't said to what extent but she would be an irresponsible mother not to consider the impact on her children. I feel for you op, its such a difficult decision to be in.

For the court to place the child with your partner there would need to be a ‘viability assessment’ which would include interviews and home visits.

It seems v unlikely that he would pass. The fact that no such assessment has been undertaken with care proceedings imminent makes it increasingly unlikely the child will be placed with your partner.

I think you are taking a very unlikely scenario and allowing it to cause unnecessary anxiety.

'They' won't care if he and OP are separated, as long as they can avoid nephew going into care.
They don't want to pay for the child to be in care if at all possible to avoid.

he needs to be careful that if he takes the child without it going through various means, he might lose out on payments.

I suspect this will be too much for him alone and would almost certainly be too much for you with theee kids. Find somewhere else to rent for you and your kids, postpone the wedding and let him crack on.

I can see why your partner is keen. Firstly, there's not an overabundance of foster places for traumatised 10yo boys with behavioural issues. And secondly, there's perhaps a bit of "hero complex" going on here. Your DP gets to swoop in and save the day. Then thirdly, he probably does feel a duty of care towards his blood nephew - I think most people in that situation would.

BUT, he can still be an important and active player in the child's life, and NOT have him move in.

Gawd - it's far, far worse than I imagined. What could possibly go wrong...

Just adding in here that my son in law and daughter had to take emergency custody of his son in - they had no bedroom for him and he had to sleep on the sofa, SS weren't remotely bothered as long as he had a roof over his head.

You are between a rock and a hard place but like you I would live separately rather than risk my children’s health and well being.
It would be a major stress for you too.
Don’t be guilt tripped into going ahead with this - let your head rule your heart.

Your DP should not lie in court. The courts will ask for a proper assessment of the living arrangements before signing anything off. Sofas? Homeschooling? Right…

If the boy goes into care, there is every chance your DP could have contact if he asks to be assessed. When I fostered, I looked after a young girl who even allowed to go on holiday with her extended family members.

Well, it's what we are all thinking!

He needs to get real OP, this hair-brained plan is too little too late. The LA aren't going to be impressed by him neglecting his own child for the sake of a nephew he didn't see for a year. I think this is guilt and panic talking, plus previous childhood experiences and ideas about "family". But foster care would be preferable, and the LA might not even gain removal anyway.

He won’t be allowed to take him to work, surely? Professional/business insurance would be invalidated and the child and any clients would be at risk if anything happened? This is an utterly reckless decision. As is his idea of homeschooling for 5hours a week. I also did that for a year - to ‘home educate’ you have to evidence that you are providing a sufficient and adequate education, and since Lab came in there is a drive to ensure vulnerable kids are NOT removed from state provision. I also think this would be a non-starter for social services.

Honestly, if your DP will not look at this logically and speak to SS to explore options sensibly, then I’d be putting my relationship with him on hold. It is very unlikely they will allow him to take him with no room of his own available or a proper care plan in place. He is responding with his heart and all emotion and no common sense or consideration for you and your children. This cannot work.

Going into care is not the worst thing in the world. Your nephew might be better off with the right foster family who can give him space and time.

@Flossyrocks I think that you parenting separately is the best answer for the moment. A traumatised 10 year old is not going to be for the faint hearted and having a decent role model in your DH stepping up could make a huge difference for him. I think giving it a year and seeing what happens with contact between all of you could get this to a place where trust was formed, boundaries were set and integration might become possible but it is really a might situation. I feel for you, it is an awful situation all around.

Sorry for the triple post, it was some sort of site glitch.

And when and how will he parent his own child?

Yeah that anit going to fly with ss either

Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, for the love of God.

The fact he is planning to lie is a huge red flag. I absolutely empathise woth him feeling desperate to rescue his nephew but if he shows even a whiff of trying to actually do thst then you have huge problems for your own baby and how he will parent and what he is capable of hiding if you were to split.

I think that's a tough but wise choice and I don't think you'll ever really regret putting your kids first here.

I do wonder how long his plan of taking a 10 year old to his workplace and home school 5 hours a week would have lasted. That sounds wildly unrealistic and unsustainable and you likely would end up being the defacto caregiver.

Oh, for the love of God.