AIBU to feel unable to take in partner’s nephew right now?

You must priortise YOUR OWN CHILDREN. Must. If that means splitting from him, so be it. They cannot and must not be forced to share a home with an aggressive, confused, traumatised boy. Your job is to look after your own kids. You already know the answer.

Your time, your choices, your emotional stability, your kids, your mothering - these are not resources that other people get to deploy as they wish. It is NOT HIS CHOICE to foist this onto you.

It is not your right to force your kids to put up with this either. You are their mother first, and his fiancee second.

Separate, you can focus on your children, he will soon get very sick and tired of parenting the boy. At this point, he is probably (almost certainly) planning for you to have tolerate and deal with the boy most of the time and will not be prepared to do it himself. I'd be surprised but pleased if I turned out to be wrong.

Obviously, it's shit for the nephew and obviously everyone feels bad for him. But there are a million others like him and we can only do what we can do. You can't parent him, so don't try to.

Is the removal from his mother and informal arrangement or one that is going to be ordered by the family court? If the latter then children's services will be involved and your fiance and you would have to undergo a full assessment by them as to your suitability to take on the child as a kinship carer.

Do not underestimate how much they delve into your private and family life and your relationships. The process involves hours of discussions over weeks and if you are not fully on board with having the nephew they will find out. They also have to see what his practical living situation would be with you and I think he would be expected to have his own room. It may be a wake-up to your fiancé that taking on his nephew might not be as straightforward as he thinks.

There are lots of people talking a very big game here who I think would in reality be very unlikely indeed to do something they felt would harm their children, or to break up their relationship whilst pregnant. At least I hope nobody would be that crap at parenting.

If you actually think your children (including the new baby) would be unsafe or miserable if this child came to stay, he can’t come. No parent could agree to that. The space issue isn’t a big deal but the wellbeing of the children to whom you are a parent and the baby to whom you and your partner are parents is,

But how is this fair on your children you have now

This. It’s just not possible. Are people really suggesting that the OP’s new baby should live without their father, while he looks after someone else’s child.

sorry If you've said but what's the bad behaviour he's displaying and is that why he's being separated from his mum? Or is he reacting to things he's been around?

I think that would influence my decision mostly. And is his mum on board with him being removed or will you get grief from her if you take him in? It's a horribly hard choice to make.

It's lovely you are a great foster parent, unfortunately (as you well know) very few children end up in a loving family home & this can lead a 10yo boy down the entirely wrong path in life.

Your DP has his head in the sand Op, he doesn't want to see how this could impact your DC. If he really wants to take his DN in then he needs to be the one making it work by accepting you'll live apart and he'll be the one doing the parenting

In fact, it's entirely possible his behavior will worsen with all the disruption of moving to you, even if a safer move for him
Its likely worsen before any improvement

This is very much an issue you can cancel a wedding for.

As a foster carer I always notice how being "in care" is written as the worst possible option for any child that cannot live with their parents. I think it is often preferrable to live with extended family who do not wholeheartedly wish to take on the care of their young relative.

Tonight we had a pre Easter get together with our own adult children and current foster children. Five other young people who we had fostered and are now adult also came with their own partners and children too. We could not have a better relationship and they will always be part of our family. And looking at them and seeing their happy and successful lives, it does seem as if being "in care" was too much of a negative, Of course we have had some nightmares too (though usually down to social workers!!). So I really do not feel that your partner's nephew will be necessarily damaged, and he can have a good childhood in care.

I would however say that children I have fostered because aunts and uncles cannot care for them full time, is often a huge emotional issue for an older child and they may well hold resentment for a long time. Ironically often more resentment than at their own parents. I know one of our current children does but hopefully when he reaches adulthood he will understand, most do.

I wish the child, and you, well whatever the final decision.

Sorry, what I mean is that is what I would do. You should obviously do what is right for you, your children and your partner and the boy and it is none of my business. Got carried away with the giving your opinion part of the thread.

I can’t see any other solution except for you to live separately, at least for a while. Going into care would be awful for the boy, and if it were my nephew there is not a chance I would let him go.

But think of the upheaval your two kids have already suffered and what this will do to them. In the space of only three years you have moved a new partner into their home, become pregnant with another child, and you are about to move them to a different home, and a different school. They must already feel so unsettled. Add to the mix a troubled boy. You’ll be going from two kids to four, in a two-bedroom home. Disaster all around.

Ditch the renovation project and just live separately while everyone settles into a new life, then consider trying to blend in a couple of years or so.

Just separate then. Don't be the reason a boy with an uncle willing to look after him is left to the care system.

I doubt if this is likely, though.

He's had a very difficult start to his life.
The OP's other children will suffer when he's foisted on them.
The baby won't know anything different, but the older two children definitely will. Their lives will implode, having this disturbed boy added to the family dynamic.

@Flossyrocks I don't know the solution, but your fiance is not being realistic here.

It sounds like he has taken on two of your children. It is unfortunate that you feel you can not take on his child, his nephew, now. If you don't feel you can I think you should separate and let him look after his nephew.

Yeah right on the verge of being a reenager🙄

He's TEN, 3 years until he's a teenager. 1/3rd of his life so far, practically.

a good while for him to feel secure, loved & have a decent family life, IF someone steps up.

If you want to stay together then do.
He lives in the 2 bedroom with his nephew and you continue to rent with your 3 children.

Even without the nephew, if you dont get planning permission what happens then?. 3 kids, 2 adults in a 2 bed. No thanks

But he lives with the OP in hers, that's not running two separate households.

Is DN's Dad on the scene at all?

Well that's certainly helpful!