AIBU to stop singing around my family after their comments?

I wouldn't begrudge her it, just saying I can see how it can be annoying to those around if she's singing loud enough for everyone in the house to hear.

My dad has a habit of putting on headphones and singing loudly whenever he's doing any kind of DIY and it's properly annoying - there's just no need to it to be so loud.

Singing is really therapeutic for the singer, and is really good for children too.
OP, in your situation I would join a choir, go out as much as possible and delegate as many tasks as possible to your family members.

Well like fuck I'd stop singing in my own home because my bratty teen told me to!
OP from now on, I'd be brutally honest with DH and your teens about all the annoying things they do. I'm sure the list is long.

It is my considered opinion that you should continue singing. Do you have a decent singing teacher nearby who might be able to help you with some technique?

... And do you tell them to stop talking?

I listen to music when I do the washing up or unload the dishwasher. If the OP finds singing while doing domestic tasks makes them less dull, is that really so dreadful? Imagine begrudging her that.

Exactly - my sensory issues mean it drives me up the wall but I try and manage that myself or distract the family member doing it - not tell them off for singing or humming when happy.

Though been a few times when I have asked them to stop in that moment because I need to concentrate and can't be somewhere else - never they can't do it at all - and they can still get huffy.

I think not singing at birthdays unless you do it subtly is just going to come over as petty - and you'd be better of telling them they've upset you a lot.

My next door neighbour sings quite loudly with her door/windows open. Although her voice is good, there is something about the timbre of it that triggers a real gut annoyance reaction, even a slight nausea! I know, it’s weird. There’s nothing much I can do other than close windows, she’s entitled to sing in her own house.

Between that and my other neighbours who seem to spend their time clanking cutlery and crockery (which triggers my son’s misophonia) we close the windows a lot.

I've not read it all
But you may have a lovely voice and the family just don't want to hear it. One of my kids has some fixation against anyone singing IRL but doesn't mind it on the radio. Can't bear to hear anyone burst into song which a few of my side are prone to do, and it drives my kid mad.

Nothing to do with the loveliness of your singing voice!

I agree with previous poster who said it’s who you are. I do it myself and I love being around other people who bring song into the world.

Thankfully I don’t live with anyone who sees fit to silence me.

Surely if your kids have grown up with your singing, it’s all they’ve known, so you’d think they’d be concerned if you stopped. They haven’t criticised you when you were home alone with them.

They have raised the issue on holiday and in earshot of other people. Kids can be extra sensitive about appearances, fitting in and hyper critical and your husband has jumped on the bandwagon.

It would drive me nuts, but he could have been much kinder about it

Wow. What a way to be considerate towards your family.

And if the OPs husband was into drumming but the OP said she didn't like it? You would tell her husband to keep drumming even more and louder would you?

No, thought not.

Op, I am so very sorry that you have been criticised about something that obviously means a lot to you.

I agree with an early poster - my kids singing isn’t brilliant simply as they are so young - the tune and tone aren’t perfect. But I genuinely enjoy hearing them because I hear their joy in their singing.

It seems weird to me that your family would have a problem with this! Especially as you said you have been in a choir - how bad could you really be?

All that said, I think your hurt is going to an extreme by saying you won’t sing them happy birthday. The point of singing happy birthday is not what a beautiful vocal harmony the singers create - it’s the intention to celebrate the person you’re all singing to. Nobody, no matter how terrible a singer is ever excluded from this. Not joining in because you have been told you are not a good singer seems spiteful, honestly.

I would maybe go a singing class or something if you want to be able to sing and know that it is not unpleasant to others. I wouldn’t be surprised to find your family is just uncomfortable about it simply because it is you, but if that’s not the case, you’ll have some professional advice and your family can just shut up 😁

or randomly sing something in our heads

Well indeed, but singing in your head isn't really an issue for anyone is it? 😐

I can't believe everyone saying "just ignore them and sing louder!". How fucking rude!

Sorry but if you're doing something out loud in a household (singing, playing an instrument, watching TikToks / YouTube on full volume) then you need to be considerate of others in the house. Not do it louder.

I think if he’s listened to it for 20 years it’s probably mildly irritating only, if he was suffering it’s his own fault for not bringing this up before.

Sing in the shower and in the car. Join a choir. Still get the benefit and joy from it.

I think not singing Happy Birthday is just a way of telling them that they hurt your feelings. I think either say that your feelings are hurt or don’t, but don’t do it via a birthday, likely you’ll be upset whatever the outcome, ie I doubt they’re going to react in a way that heals this for you.

Don't let them squash you OP. I think this is really sad. I presume you are not screeching all over the house so if singing along to the radio or whatever brings you some joy then go ahead and do it - fuck the lot of them. They are unkind and need to realise mum is a person too and if she wants to sing she can sing.

Please don't change who you are to appease people (even if they are your own family) who can't love and appreciate who you are. Everyone has 'quirks' that can be a bit annoying, I'm sure they have some too.

My daughter has a friend who is in a choir and another friend was saying how it drives her mad at school when this girl just starts singing randomly , she’s a teenager though and, knowing her family situation she probably does it for attention.

I think there is away to say that gets on my nerves wife without doing what he did, he’s been unpleasant to get some kind of dopamine hit out of it , well that’s how it comes a Ross. Although perhaps it’s been driving him mad for ages. The not singing on his birthday is petty though, have a conversation about it, resentment just eats away at a marriage.

Sure, if she said “well you said you didn’t want my singing so nerr nerr I’m not doing it for you” it would be pathetic, but I know if I honestly said to my husband “the comments you and the kids were really hurtful and I feel too self conscious and uncomfortable about singing in public now that I know how much you hate it and how awful my voice actually is” he wouldn’t roll his eyes, because he’s not a dick. He’d realise that his communication was severely lacking, and he owed an apology for the hurtful delivery even if the point still stood that he didn’t want me singing along to the radio.

That said, I wouldn’t be leaving the conversation for a birthday. I’d have it now.

I think the fact it's singing is kind of a red herring? You are doing something that irritates/annoys your entire family.

This is interesting. The other side of that coin is that your entire family are really trying to put you in your place, it seems. They view the sounds you make as taking up space...does everything they do fall into the 'not annoying at all to anyone else' category?

I agree that singing is a vocal stim - with various schoolfriends of my DC, it's humming, and it is done unconsciously (and doesn't last very long), but it collides with one-sided hearing problems for her and if it does, it causes anxiety and stops her hearing other sounds clearly.

Be very clear about how their comments have really hurt you, and why singing matters to you and you will not be making yourself ashamed for doing it. Definitely join another choir. If needed - and it looks petty, but I have, once or twice, done this - say you'll sit somewhere away from them in church/ go to another service because it would not be the same for you if you had to stop yourself singing, so you don't want to be inhibited and they have made their opinions clear. Think of some non-confrontational phrases that you can be ready with if they are scornful: " No, I'm not going to do that, it's important to me." "This is what I've decided and it should be a good solution for both you and me."

Given the hearing problem vs frequencies issue above, I have had to tread a similar line for quite a long time now. It hurts, and it undermines, but even if the compromises seem cringey, there is a glimmer of meeting your own needs as best you can, when you do go ahead with this kind of thing. (DC now tells me, if she's away for a night or so "You can spend the whole day singing!" If only this worked on demand!)

Hi Situationallystuck
Very nasty of your husband and family to say that you should only sing when alone. You obviously enjoy singing - it’s who you are. You say you were in a choir when younger. I’d like to suggest that you seek out a choir asap and join. Then you can sing and get professional feedback on your voice. I’m sure you’ll be acceptable. Then what will husband and family say ! Also it will be good for your morale. And carry on singing 😊

But being a former opera singer doesn’t make it okay to burst into song any more than a former pro golfer practising their swing in a restaurant, or a former pro ballerina getting en pointe whilst waiting in line at the post office - you get the drift. It’s ultimately attention seeking behaviour.

My relative is also a former professional singer but it doesn’t make it any less relentless being sung at all. the. time. Showers or washing up, great, walking into a room and warbling over whatever you’re listening to on the radio or spending long car trips singing away without respite… it’s tedious no matter how “professional” she was before kids.

Have you recorded yourself singing?

I can carry a tune too but am no Celine. I'm thinking of having singing lessons. How about joining a choir? There are rock choirs etc all over.

I genuinely have a god awful voice. I’m not a big singer (but I was when the kids were little, constantly singing to nursery rhymes etc) but I’d sing a long to a tune on the radio or similar. I’ve even done group karaoke once or twice. I think I’d sing to spite them 🤣

But will they actually care if OP makes a point of not singing happy birthday, and when questioned goes 'You said you didn't like my singing so here you go'?

If I were the husband/child that would just get an eye roll from me and make me think she was being pathetic.

Surely OP is best to either just be more mindful of her singing when everyone is about, or to just ignore what they've said completely. Not make some sad little point which makes her look silly.

I don't think they would have reacted this way if OP was genuinely just singing along with the radio at times/in church when others are singing.

OP's mention of tending to sing when she's happy gives me an image of someone who sings a lot as they move around the house, tidy up, fold washing etc - not just someone who sings along with the radio/in group settings as anyone else might.

Not to say that OP's family were right to be so blunt but I can see how it's irritating.

Your husband is a complete dick. I can’t sing and neither can my son. We’re both tone deaf. We still sing away. My husband, who has a good singing voice, has never once told either of us to stop, in fact he Ives my son’s voice. He also thinks in tone deaf but he would never tell em not to sing unless it was inappropriate.

God, what sort of persons destroys someone else joy?