AIBU to stop singing around my family after their comments?

I imagine it’s not the singing as such, it’s the intrusive noise. I like periods of silence to unwind, DH needs constant noise so even if he hasn’t got his headphones, Alexa or TV on he’s humming, singing, whistling or chatting away about random things. It is bloody irritating to be fair and at worst, really intrusive and occasionally detrimental to my MH as I need the quiet. I take myself out of the situation when I can (thank god for dog and hobby) rather than constantly ask him to shut up, but not everyone has this option. An ex was similar, had been a professional singer/ songwriter briefly but still drove me mad with his incessant strumming and singing. Again, I respected he needed to do his thing but I needed quiet too and we clashed.

Why not join a choir? I expect that you do have a god voice, just your family don’t want to be forced to be your audience in their own home. That way you get to sing properly and enjoy yourself and the rest of the family gets to chose if they want to come and hear you sing.

As an aside, DD and I used to sing along to songs when she lived at home and once (younger) DS was on the verge of tears when he asked us to stop, he hated it so much 😆.

A few people have mentioned that this may be a form of vocal stimming. I would be surprised if this is the case because she has spent a whole day not singing. My Dad used to stim and it wasn’t a thing he could choose not to do (it used to drive my Mum mad).

Taking the OP at her word, she sings when she is happy. She likes to sing along with the radio and to join in with the singing at church. It is a bit of a leap to go from this to the sort of endless noise making that some posters say they experience from other people.

You need to speak to dh about how much this has hurt you. Don’t let it fester more. It would be petty to not sing happy birthday, that’s not what they meant. Not everyone is capable of holding a tune (I’m atrocious and proud) but everyone joins in with happy birthday!

Perhaps record yourself and see how you sound nowadays? Just to see for yourself.

maybe it’s a case of the family just wanting less noise, not specifically your singing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and frustrated at the amount of noise in my family home and just want a bit of quiet to just be.

The birthday cake would do for me, although a few cards and presents would be nice too.

I don't mind people singing "Happy Birthday", but I'm perfectly happy if they don't.

I'm sure OP's husband (who is a good and loving man according to OP) has been trying, gently, to tell her for 20 years and she hasn't been listening, or thinks "just being herself" is more important than consideration for her family.

He is now at the end of his rag with it, possibly because OP is getting louder or more persistent, or maybe because he is aware that it is affecting their sons.

It doesn't matter if OP sounds more like Joan Sutherland than Florence Foster Jenkins, her singing is annoying her family and she needs to take notice of that.

If i was presented with a birthday cake and nobody sung happy birthday, I would be gutted

I thought I could sing a bit but am actually tone deaf. I still give it a go at church etc and home alone, in the car.

But my family aren't shy in telling me I can't sing. I'm not upset by it as I do other things well, just not singing.

And everyone can sing happy birthday so don't worry about it.

Well, it's difficult to say. Depends on your voice, frequency, volume. It might be perfectly fine, and your family are being dickheads, or other way round. But I get a whiff of pass-agg martyrdom in your OP, so I wonder, did they really say you're 'horrible', 'terrible', and should stop singing altogether forever. Or something much more benign, which you embellished here for dramatic effect.

It's just that I have a 'silent victim' passive-aggressive martyr of a family member. She doesn't sing, but she'd do exactly as you say in this situation. When the 'happy birthday' time would come, she'd sit in the corner, silent and tearful, with a sad expression, not singing and carefully looking around to see whether anyone was paying attention to her endless suffering. No one would, probably wouldn't even notice. Then she'd get even more sad and/or pissed off and might storm off in a huff, calling us heartless dickheads for failing to notice her imaginary bullshit.

Don't do this. Want to have it out - have it out, say they hurt you, say they're being mean, say whatever. Talk to them, listen to their points of view, and present your own. Maybe you're a horrible singer. Maybe you sing too often, and it's sometimes distracting. Or maybe it's a 'them' problem.

What 😮
You sing your wee heart out op, obviously not in public (even if you can hold a tune 😂)
I cannot sing but I do, all the time. I make up songs to/ about my 7yr old and she loves it. My dp rolls his eyes but smiles because he knows I'm in a happy mood
Your teens being annoyed is par for the course but your dh is a miserable twat

I find it painful when my family sing around the house ,its like noise pollution to me,it hursts my ears and gives me a headache.I love peace and quiet. I don't though tell them i think their singing voices are awful though ! (one is) The worst for me is my adult son whistles when he's happy and it pierces through me. I say nothing and either move out of earshot or sometimes put noise cancelling headphones on. They have the right to express happiness in their home.
Some people are sensitive to noise and some love to make sound,we have to find a way to live together.
Could you say express that you are upset they don't appreciate your singing as you enjoy it and it expresses your happiness .
My whistling son bought me some earphones for christmas !

While I understand your point, the OP said she has been with her DH for 20 years and he has never mentioned this before. Maybe if he had said early on that he’s the kind of person that can’t stand someone singing in anything other than Whitney-Houston-esque perfection, she wouldn’t have married him?

I sing a lot, I have a terrible voice but DP says it’s adorable because he loves me and knows that I am happy. DC say they can’t stand my voice and tell me to stop singing, but I tell them I put up with their quirks and they need to put up with mine. DP backs me up. In your instance, I would be hurt by DP’s comments, especially after so many years.

Edit: typo

I wonder how often they've hinted that it's annoying them?
I remember trying to hint to dm that something she did I found embarrassing. Everything was met with a "well I'll just change this little aspect that makes no difference". Eventually in exasperation I told her that I really didn't like it, and she then went hurt.

I had done my best to try and do it tactfully but she wouldn't or couldn't meet me part way.

This is what this sounds like to me. That they have tried various more tactful ways of saying please be quiet, but never had any result, which has meant an explosion and more than they meant being said.

It's something where compromise needs to be done. Singing, even the nicest, is effecting others. My dd can sing 16 hours a day. We have compromised. She has times when she can sing, times when she can't and times when she'll check first.
She'll also make the most of being alone and sing loudly then.

Just knowing that there are limits makes it less irritating, even to siblings!

Not everyone sings out of joy. We have a coworker who sings/hums when she’s annoyed, I presume as her way to calm her mood. Another one who sings wildly off key when she wants to piss off someone.

Whether you sing for joy, coping, pettiness or whatever it may be, it’s not unreasonable to be expected to rein it in if it’s constant. I highly doubt OP’s family as an issue with her singing while doing the dishes, it is probably a much more prolonged situation.

Yes. Quite apart from anything else, a voice trained to the astonishing feat of being clearly audible, unamplified, in every seat of a big theatre, over a full orchestra, has no place being used at close quarters. It’s like having a fifteen-gun salute or a fighter jet engine unleashed at close quarters.

My house mate used to sing, she was a professional , I still didn't like it.

I’m guessing that user watches those videos online of an opera singer ordering in their singing voice at fast food chains and thinks it’s cute.

If I was a worker I’d want to headbutt them (and I say this as someone who will run to Glyndebourne at any opportunity).

I listen to music when I do the washing up or unload the dishwasher. If the OP finds singing while doing domestic tasks makes them less dull, is that really so dreadful? Imagine begrudging her that.

With MIL it when everyone is sat listening to TV in a room - she start humming in increasing volume - or when we waiting for a meal she'll be singing and tapping out a rhythm on the table when everyone else is talking quietly- or your trying to do something complicated and she'll stand over your shoulder singing ever louder or when listening to an annoucement and she starts a conversation at same time. It's just who she is but I find it very annoyoing at times - other times it washed over me but I'd never be rude about it.

If it's been complained about when they are out the house - it's probably not going to be singing along with chores or just singing with radio.

My youngest was happy to sing along with a song in pub together when out for a meal - but it wasn't when everyone else was mid conversation or listening to the TV the song was the focus. So it wasn't as jarring as MIL often does it - I wonder if OP is doing vocal stimming and it's out of context to what everyone else is experinceing.

It's not nice to be made to feel self concious - but unless OP family are really nasty it's probably worse than many seem to be thinking.

Oh gosh I'd be gutted. I hum and sing often usually when I'm cooking, cleaning, driving etc (maybe not so much in public maybe when I'm doing an arty hobby) my voice Is terrible but my dh never moans in fact he is just as bad as me and also sings along. Most people in my family are the same too. Always a car sing along with my mum and brother when we lived together. I don't care if they are bad singers they are just being happy!

If you want to guilt-trip your family on their birthdays, take the opportunity to punish them and make them feel bad on their special day, go right ahead. It still won’t make them like your singing.

I genuinely don't know a single person who would be gutted about not having someone sing Happy Birthday to them 😆

Singing ‘happy birthday’ together with others should be fine. Otherwise, not.
(There is a reason why they asked you to stop.)

You’re being really passive aggressive.

If you want to guilt-trip your family on their birthdays, take the opportunity to punish them and make them feel bad on their special day, go right ahead. It still won’t make them like your singing.

If on the other hand you would like an apology, just tell them how you feel. Let them know that you will listen to them and stop the singing, but that you would appreciate an apology for their unkind words about it.

Then move on.

Sing like no-one is listening.

What's it got to do with "who you are"?

What if Huw Edwards excused his paedo behaviour with "it's who I am", would that make it OK?

If "who you are" is pissing off the people you live with, you need to adapt your behaviour or end up lonely.

In real life you often have to adapt "who you are" if "who you are" negatively impacts the people you care about.

If no one ever modified their "it's who I am" instincts, life would be considerably more difficult for everyone.

I know that I seem rather strident about this. It’s mainly because, while singing is an expression of joy, it also prolongs the joy. Being told not to sing in front of people tells the OP to snuff out the joy she feels. I could imagine thinking, if I were the OP, that I could have joy in my heart … but only if my husband and children weren’t there.