To think that it doesn't take a village

I wish I had a village because, whilst we do manage just fine, I feel permanently sick and exhausted and wish for just a small part, my husband and I had someone who could look after us a little bit. Probably selfish but there it is.

You shouldn’t care about your kids being influenced if they’re only ever in your care lol (and you say how well behaved they are).

be honest, you and your husband are being smug.

The way @manaliiiive explains it is the way I understand the village concept too.

I don’t think “it takes a village” as if you don’t have one you make it work without. I do however think that a village is nice to have. I attended my GDs first end of term assembly yesterday with her mum and other grandmother. GD was so happy to have us all there. My three kids never had a family member attend anything as they lived in different countries so we just got on with it (and are probably closer as a family unit because of it) but I did feel sorry for them sometimes.

I’m a single parent and my “village” is wonderful, at various times it has consisted on my parents, my siblings, my neighbours, mum friends from school, the children’s Nanny, even my children’s Dad (EXDP).

I’ve worked my way up to Executive Director level and could never in a million years have been able to get to where I am or do what I do if I didn’t have my “village”.

As others have said 'it takes a village' doesn't necessarily refer to extended family but to having support from friends, maybe family, other people in the community etc. And while you might have differences in parenting approaches, I think it's beneficial for children to have close loving relationships with grandparents. Children are adaptable and soon understand that rules are often more relaxed with grandparents than they are at home!

You, as a teacher should known families, children and circumstances vary. You have a partner, and it doesn't sound like you've had to deal with a major illness or accident. I hope you never do.

I'm a single mum (not through choice), both my parents are dead and siblings live a long distance away.

I manage fine but I've needed help three times in 15 years, once while I was having an op for cancer and twice when undergoing chemo. Ds' school helped with the first (occasional boarding) and a sibling helped with the other two. So my "village" has been indispensable but reserved for when absolutely necessary.

So why are you being so sneery about your extended family’s parenting?

That’s not what I understand by the phrase “it takes a village”. For me it’s more about children’s safety and welfare being a collective responsibility of all adults in society. Like driving carefully, not idling your car engine outside the school, not letting your dog shit all over the play area at the park etc.

When I was growing up, back in the 80s and 90s, it was also the acceptance that it was okay for adults who weren’t your parents to tell you off if necessary, but also to watch out for you and step in to help if you were in danger/injured/lost whatever.

Basically everything we’ve lost that means children have much less freedom and independence than they did a generation ago.

This has got to be totally subjective and dependent on you, and your ‘village’ surely?

I’ve pretty much always been a single parent. And I have loved my ‘village’. Of mainly my parents, and siblings. But also my ex’s parents. And my lovely next door neighbours as well.

I don’t have particularly strong views on what I do and don’t want my children to do either though. I could not care less (genuinely) if grandparents or whoever totally spoil my children and let them do whatever. As long as they’re safe. Which they always were. If anything, my dad was far more anxious than I was.

I think I’m of the ‘more the merrier’ mindset. Surely having more people that love them and that they love is good for children?

But the village to raise a child concept generally refers to where you live - so neighbours telling off your kids if they’ve made a mess of their garden playing football.

Other adults correcting them in shops if they aren’t queuing properly.

The actual scenario of the community around the child helping to shape expectations of them.

It’s not really a concept about occasionally visiting family who live a long way away.

I grew up with a village, it was great. It ga e me a lot of different experiences and support that I believe helped shape me in to a resilient adult. Boundaries weren't as strict when I slept over at grandparents or aunts, no bedtimes, lots of sweet treats. Some if my cousins had awful behaviour, 1 to the point of being put into a young offenders institute. It never impacted my behaviour, I followed the rules at home and was respectful to all adults and well behaved at school, definitely never copied the criminal behaviour! Maybe your DC are more susceptible to copying as they haven't had much exposure to different people.

I think this is a weird way of bitching about your extended families child rearing and framing your parenting as superior to that and you’re thinly veiled it was being about the village to raise a child concept. Does that help?

Of course there are downsides to not having complete control of how your children are raised. If your family are not a good influence then it's obviously not that helpful to have 'a village'. However, if your family and close friends are all along the same lines as you in terms of values and education, with some variations in perspective that enrich your child's upbringing, that's fantastic. You get support and your kids get high quality input from a range of adults and other children.

I moved a long way from family so have no village, but I live in a small community in which it is very normal for families (even middle-class, educated families who typically might be more mobile) to literally live in the same village as their parents and siblings. I am frankly blown away by their quality of life. The kids can walk home from school to their grandparents' house. They have Sunday lunch every week with aunts and uncles and cousins. We know one child who regularly goes bird-watching with his grandfather, one who's grandma teaches her the piano and another who meets her cousins at the beach every weekend. Grandparents provide huge amounts of holiday childcare and drive children to sports clubs. Obviously this is a selective picture because the people with crap parents they don't like have not elected to live in the same area as them, but if it works the advantages are huge.

I literally live in a small village where many people have lived for generations. Hated it as a teen because the postmistress was friends with my granny and the local policeman knew everything.

As a parent I love that there is still a postmistress who knows many of the village kids. Sadly the local policeman has gone but its place has been taken by a brilliant WhatsApp group of locals who share what nefarious deeds are going on.

The kids go to YFC where if you get yourself in trouble an older member will pick you up, dust you off and help you out.

A local family recently had a cancer diagnosis for a child and didn’t cook a meal for two months.

There are great role models everywhere - brownies, scouts, church youth group, football, rugby.

I never had a village but I do agree that saying is more about the different inputs people have into our child's life. Not just childcare. Children can learn many things from different people.

I wish I did have a village but my parents moved away from any possibility of me having extended family. I really miss having extended family for myself now. I think the village is valuable at all life stages. You don't need it, but it is good to have in most instances.

The village isn't just your family and its no just about babysitting, it's friends and other networks, and it's so children can see that other people do things in different ways.

At some point your children will be influenced by their peers, who have been influenced by older siblings. There's no stopping that. And one day your children may say to you 'I didn't like that thing about how you raised me, I'm doing it differently'. And you will learn to accept that in order to be a grandparent to their children.

My kid is exposed to adults swearing, but doesn't swear, because we've explained that some people will find it offensive and might think differently of them if they do. If you are open as well as structured at home, then you don't need to worry about the effect of other people on your children.

I think a "village" is all sorts of people, including teachers at school. Not sure why you think it is family specifically. Having influence from a variety of people is a good thing, but this is not the same as having influence from one large, potentially dysfunctional, family.