AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

Am glad you spoke up. I have also noticed the increasing assumption on MN that an older woman is nothing more than a support animal.

I don't think childcare can be equally doled out as grandparents age. If that's unfair then well, life is unfair.

@Aiming4Optimistic
If you read my post above, you see what the end result is of treating all grandchildren equally in terms of childcare, I have completely lost my retirement years. I have friends with eight grandchildren. In spite of what you might blithely think, childcare is much harder at 80 than at 70. One of my friends has just had her final grandchild at gone 80. She has 4 children and ten grandchildren. She is exhausted. More and more women are leaving childbirth until their late thirties and forties. It means grandparenthood often starts at late seventies. It is so tiring and unlike a full time job, you never get holidays. So, @Aiming4Optimistic, imagine the years of expectation of childcare, according to your blithe assumption that childcare should always be doled out equally.

I think childcare should be fair, equal but also appropriate. The grand parent who helped out 3 days a week at 50 is not going to be as able or fit at 75 to do the same which is fine. Age has to be considered and if parents cant do it then point it out. I am coming from a place were my own mum offered virtually no help (still wont maybe once a year) and my MIL helps her favourites only (not my dh)

You see it all the time on here. Women moaning that their mothers won't help even though they had lots of help apparently.

The fathers never seem to be around or work BIG jobs.

@Aiming4Optimistic But you just said, childcare from grandparents should be given equally. I have tried to do that. I never realised that it would mean no holidays, no retirement. I still do a tiny amount of paid work as well as my childcare days (tutoring). Like many old people, I am reluctant to let my paid work go. It makes me feel valued and a real person.
It is just wearing for me and my many friends who see the expectation of years and years of unpaid childcare. At the same time , being disparaged if we dare mention tiredness.

No my dad isnt around and my parents in law live 4 hours away. My PIL want to be involved and have been involved in other ways (checking in all the time during pregnancy, making plans to come visit multiple times now baby is here, talking about when we can go visit them and what they may need to do to accommodate our stay with a baby.

When our first grandchild was born, we committed to one day a week. That was ten years ago and since then the days have crept up for each successive grandchild, so at peak we were doing four days a week. We now do three days a week and some extra school drop offs and pick ups. I worked full time all my life as a teacher and I had just retired at 65 when the call for childcare came. We are now mid seventies and I am so tired. Holidays are out of the question, they don't have cover for school holidays. I dare not say no or there is a bout of sulking. I am sick of being lectured about modern parenthood. I never had help with mine. There were not after school clubs or even many nurseries.
My daughter constantly refers to being post partum ( baby is now four) to explain why she is extra tired. I am just waiting for her to jump seamlessly to peri menopause. Luckily, in my day, they hadn't invented post partum or peri menopause as a get out reason for all tiredness. I just had to get on with it because there wasn't someone older standing in the wings to take on the burden.
I have eighty year old friend who has just had her youngish grandchildren for two weeks whilst the parents are on holiday. I know eighty year olds do not have the HUGE excuse of being post partum or peri but we do get tired (and then we die). There is some real entitlement from some MN posters.

Tbh, I do think that the fair option is to let the older child go to nursery more and look after the baby. Esp since OPs mum is strongly of the belief that babies shouldn't be in full time nursery.
I think it's also important to offer support equally for each daughter, where possible.
The sister has had the benefit of 2 years subsidised childcare, her child has formed a close bond with his gran. It's fair that she should step back and allow her sister to have that same opportunity.

Barring healthcare changes, or not living close by, I strongly believe that parents should support their dc equally when it comes to childcare - anything else leads to hurt feelings and beliefs that one is the favourite and that's not good for relationships.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to think this ought to have crossed her mind and that mum should have had a conversation with her about this. Of course she doesn't want to ask - the offer should come from mum, otherwise OP will feel like she's pressured her.

All that being said, help from family is never totally without strings and sometimes it's better to be self sufficient and free from the judgement of grandparents, which comes along with their help!

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

Exactly. The OP’s mother doesn’t want a FT childcare job. Her sister had a baby first, therefore got the childcare availability her mother was prepared to offer. I’m sure no one thinks she should ditch the toddler in favour of the OP’s baby.

When our first grandchild was born, we committed to one day a week. That was ten years ago and since then the days have crept up for each successive grandchild, so at peak we were doing four days a week. We now do three days a week and some extra school drop offs and pick ups. I worked full time all my life as a teacher and I had just retired at 65 when the call for childcare came. We are now mid seventies and I am so tired. Holidays are out of the question, they don't have cover for school holidays. I dare not say no or there is a bout of sulking. I am sick of being lectured about modern parenthood. I never had help with mine. There were not after school clubs or even many nurseries.
My daughter constantly refers to being post partum ( baby is now four) to explain why she is extra tired. I am just waiting for her to jump seamlessly to peri menopause. Luckily, in my day, they hadn't invented post partum or peri menopause as a get out reason for all tiredness. I just had to get on with it because there wasn't someone older standing in the wings to take on the burden.
I have eighty year old friend who has just had her youngish grandchildren for two weeks whilst the parents are on holiday. I know eighty year olds do not have the HUGE excuse of being post partum or peri but we do get tired (and then we die). There is some real entitlement from some MN posters.

Ive just had a baby and we’ve already had to confirm nursery. I’ve arranged 4 days a week when I go back (using a mix of annual leave and flexible working for the first 10 months, then we’ll reassess). My husband does contract work so can’t commit a day but will do pick ups/drops off around his contracts. I am very much of the opinion that it’s our responsibility to arrange childcare and whilst I would accept help I am not going to expect this or put this onto others - it’s theirs to offer as it’s a lot!

Here’s where I’m struggling a bit…

My sister had a baby 2 years ago and my mum looks after my nephew 2 days a week, with nursery the other 3. This was an arrangement she offered when my sister went back to work 2 days a week after Easter. As she’s a teacher this meant she didn’t have to arrange nursery until September. My sister then went back 5 days a week from the September and my mum continued to look after my nephew 2 days with him in nursery the other 3.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion. When I say to her I think my nephew has a good balance of 2 days with her and 3 in nursery (8.15-4pm) she snaps that’s he’s too young to be in 3 full days Q (he’s 2 next month).

What’s confusing/hurtful is that there’s been no mention of a similar arrangement for my baby. I haven’t asked outright, and she hasn’t offered. What’s hurting me most is the acknowledgement- if my mum can’t offer the same to my baby as she’s committed to my nephews arrangement and can’t see herself doing more, fine, but an acknowledgment of this would go a long way. It also feels like double standards that she rants about the negatives of nursery for my nephew but there has been no mention of this for my baby.

The thing is, my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

My sister and her husband accept the help (understandably as it saves them a lot), but also put up with the moods and comments. I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

My husband says my mum and sister are similar and live more in the moment so may not have even occurred to them that even though it’s a year away arrangements have to be made now and they aren’t thinking about it. I see that but don’t accept this as surely it’s pretty obvious, when I was pregnant but now the baby is here.

I’m reluctant to ask my mum directly because I don’t want any sense of obligation or guilt for either of us. I also see how tiring it is for her and couldn’t bear the guilt knowing it was my baby doing this and it hadn’t just been her choice. But equally I wonder if she assumes I don’t need help because I’m seen as the “capable” one and then I’ve been clear I value nursery for socialisation and that I do want to go back to work.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency. She was so adamant about nursery negatives with my nephew, yet hasn’t said anything similar to me about my child. And longer term, it feels a bit unfair that my child may be in nursery 4 days a week while my nephew (if this continues) only does 3 who will be 2 years older, plus there’s a significant financial difference for us vs my sister.

I fully appreciate no one owes me childcare, and we’ve made plans we can afford — but I can’t shake the feeling of it being a bit unequal.

AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?

I think you will read this post back to yourself in years to come and be scarlet with embarrassment at your sense of entitlement to your mother’s time and energy. You’re behaving like a five year old being afraid someone else is getting a bigger slice of birthday cake.

This Is such a key point I hadn’t thought about. If my mum continues to provide childcare for my nephew when mine starts nursery, then I will feel a little hurt. My nephew will have benefitted from part time
nursery and time with his DGM for 2 years by then and be 3. Maybe it’s more enjoyable to look after a 3 year old and she doesnt want to stop which is fine as they’ve created such a nice bond.

I don’t expect my mum to take on my child too but keeping the arrangement with my sisters child with no offer to
swap her focus to my baby would be hurtful
especially with her views on nursery and mean my baby wouldn’t get the same immediate relationship with her. I agree with others that this can be built in other ways but it will just be different, as in reality it will be weekends only when me or my husband are also around.

I also saw another post from someone saying nurseries and early years are the critical point - I read a similar study (trying to find merit in my mums views) that said from 2.5-3, nursery attendance actually had positive impacts that outweighed any negatives.