AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

This is something that's much more important to you as a new mother than it is to her. Of course you are thinking about childcare for your precious newborn or may not even be on her radar. For all the reasons you've stated it sounds like it wouldn't be an ideal arrangement even if she did offer. The circumstances are different because your sister had a child first and because you are all aware that the childcare is difficult for your mum. Try not to compare and perhaps be grateful for the benefits if she doesn't end up doing childcare for you. She may offer later but may not because as you say it's now clear it takes a lot out of her and results in bad feelings too.

The gran is literally allowed to do anything she likes with her own time. That's fairness.

The only "consequence" comes about if her grasping bludger of an entitled daughter makes unfair demands or throws a wobbly. OP is owed not a single second of her mother's time or free labour. Not one second. If she'd accepted that and internalised it she wouldn't be throwing this petulant tantrum.

Time for the OP, you and everyone else to get it. It's not your right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from your mother - no matter what else they are doing. Her mother's time and free labour is not a resource to be shared out by anybody at all. Her mother has the right to do whatever she wants, however she wants, with whomever she wants. No explanation required. That's the fair and right thing.

Once you accept this, it all becomes clear. If OP wants to blow up her relationship with her mother because she thinks she has a right to her mother's free labour, that's her choice.

@HazelMember is the mum going to continue looking after the first grandchild? Despite being irritable, she isn't withdrawing that help.

@Aiming4Optimistic
Have you read the statistics for the age of mothers in the UK?
Over half (approx. 54%) of all live births in England and Wales are to mothers aged 30 and over, reflecting a long-term trend of delayed childbearing. The average age of mothers has risen to 31 years.
The great majority of grandmothers in their ( to quote you) forties and fifties will still be working so unable to provide childcare. There are fewer and fewer grandmothers in their forties and fifties, anyway.
Some MN posters are unbelievably entitled about their (imagined ) right to childcare from an army of increasingly elderly ladies.

So the OP should treat both equally even though she is more tired and more ill, irritable after she has done the childcare for her other daughter?

This kind of equality rare applies to men.

No my dad has been dead for many years (since i was young). My FIL is over 80 with dementia.

We have paid for childcare for years and will continue to do so for another few years.

However it is hard to know your children are always second best in the pecking order because they are not golden child's children.

My older child has little relationship with either grandmother as they have not played enough for an active role in his life to matter much to him. My other children are heading the same way and already showing little interest in either of them. I have no sympathy for either grand mother as they chose that path so will be not be pushing my children to maintain a relationship if they dont want to.

And with no thought to how that might impact her nephew, who has done nothing wrong and will feel pushed aside by his baby cousin.

If GPs are too old to offer childcare then fair enough, don't offer it. But in this case, gran is offering it - but just to one child. There is only 2 years between the children, so not comparable to a 10 year age gap where gran was able to look after one but not the other.

@Eggandspoonrace2 the gran is literally supporting one of her children. She absolutely has the right to not support both, if that's her choice but the consequence of only helping one daughter will be to make her other daughter feel less cared for, the relationship with the new baby won't be the same as it is for the child she looks after, there may be tension between the siblings.
Most people wouldn't argue that parents should treat their dc fairly. That doesn't stop when dc grow up.
Fair enough for gran to do no childcare at all (bar emergencies) if that's her wish and I go agree that no one is entitled to have a baby and assume the gps will do childcare. But as a parent, if you offer to one, it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to the other if you don't share your time.

But @Aiming4Optimistic
Most new parents (UK) are having kids in their 30s or older. Look at the statistics. This inevitably results in older grandparents.
Births to mothers under 25 in the UK have fallen to a low of approximately 13.1% of all births, as women are increasingly having children later in life. Data indicates that births to women under 20 are at a record low (around 2.6%), while more than one in four babies are now born to mothers aged 35 and over.
It is disingenuous to pretend the majority of new Mothers in the UK are young twenty odd year olds.

@SeedlingsparrowI agree that women in their 70s probably shouldn't be taking on massive childcare commitments. In your shoes, I would pull back because it sounds like your dc are taking you for granted if they sulk when you need a break.

My parents were late 40s when they became grandparents - not everyone is having kids in their 30s.

Or he’s just not the cake the OP is fighting her sister for.

I mean, this baby potentially has three other grandparents.

I disagree because I think that as parents we owe it to our children to not have favourites and to treat them equally, where possible.
Now if the OP was a millionaire with a live in nanny, she might not need childcare help. But if her circumstances are similar to her sister's, then she would benefit from her mother's help. As a mum, I wouldn't feel right giving all my resources to one child, while leaving the other, who had equal need, without. So I would share that time as fairly as I could between my children. In this situation it would be transferring support to the new mum rather than taking on additional days.

To me, it's not about being a support animal but being part of a family where we all do our bit. My folks (mum and dad) helped me out loads and when they needed help, I did the same for them.

@Aiming4Optimistic Very few of the grandmothers I know became grandparents at 50. The age of first time motherhood in this country is increasing all the time. The average age in London for a first time Mum is 31. There are more over 40s giving birth than 18 to 25 year olds. That means a woman born to a Mum of 35 and who waits to be over 35 to have her children is going to have grandparents ( her kids) of seventy plus.
Many, many grannies are in their late sixties, seventies when grandkids are born. They retire, like me and my friends, from full time professional jobs to full on childcare, only with twice as many children as their own. They do great jobs as childcare providers but with an increasing army of grannies who are 70+ years old, it is hard hard work.

Yes, I have often seen that spiteful response on this site - to a woman who raised you and worked her entire life not wanting to continue to give you her free labour and as much time as you demand.

OPs mother and others like her have done their duty - they raised their family. Now they get to choose what they want to do with their own time. That's the fair solution.

Also no mention of the DH's dad - why can't he take on the childcare?

Cue - he is dead, ill, works a BIG important job.

I think what’s bothering me most is the inconsistency

But your own posts are riddled with inconsistencies @OneLovingMoose

You know your mum's exhausted doing the childcare she already does, but you want her to volunteer to do twice as much.
Your mum is constantly critical of your sister, yet you want to line yourself up for the same criticism.
I'm not going to go through all your posts to write the inconsistencies, but I think you just need to get a grip.

Yes, the first grandchildren seem to get the bulk of grandparent childcare. The reason is obvious. The GPs were younger when they offered it. The DD that they offered it to used that offer to commit to a role that they might otherwise not have taken. The GP can't suddenly say "I'm not doing it any more, because I'm going to look after the other GCs instead" and risk the DD's job.

I started doing irregular childcare when my first grandchild was a baby six years ago. I was 64 then. I'm 70 now. There's a whole world of difference in the energy I have to do it, and to care for her little sister. If my other daughter has children I suspect I would struggle to do the same, even if I no longer did childcare for the first two. I would probably support her with nursery costs instead.

The OP's mum is already struggling. She is also on her own as the OP's dad is not around.

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more.

She is already tired out more and ill yet OP wants to dump more on her.

I am waiting for posters to say the OP should not visit her mum in her future care home... Coming in 5..4...3...2..1. That's the usual threat when older women aren't accomodating.

No, what the OPs mother should do is whatever she wants to do. There is nothing unfair about it since OP is not entitled to a single second of free labour and should never have expected it.

Her mother's time and free labour is not a resource to be dished out to grasping family members. It is her own to do with as she chooses.

Once you put it in perspective, and realise that women are not support animals for other people, that older women have a right to make their own choices for any reason that suits them, that they don't owe anybody a moment of explanation for not choosing to give them free labour, once you reframe the whole situation to "It's her time, nobody is owed it, nobody is owed an explanation and it is unfair and wrong to place expectations on her for childcare" it all makes much more sense.

I agree its unfair OP and I feel for you. My parents don't do any regular childcare for us but have the kids (primary age) in some school hols and it works so well for us all. They are retired and too busy for regular care! I don't know how you can raise it without sounding petulant but its hard.

And for all of those saying the OP is rude, entitled, selfish etc I think you're being really unfair. Shes a new mum, probably worried about money, anxious about childcare (v normal) and her sister has had a lot more support. of course that feels unfair!

When her mum is elderly and asking for lots of help and the OP says 'I don't owe you my unpaid time and labour my free time is to do what I want with' (as many are suggesting her mother should say) she will again be accused of being rude, selfish and uncaring. Family isnt transactional but it can't be all take and no give or vice versa forever without causing some rifts.

@Seedlingsparrowi think I expressed myself badly. I don't necessarily mean that what a go does at 50, they should do at 70. But if a gp is offering help to one of their children, if their health and circumstances haven't changed, then imo they should offer help to their other child. So that gps don't end up overwhelmed and with no retirement, for gps like OPs mum, that might mean pulling back on helping the child who has already received 2 years of help, in order to help out the child who is new parent and not had any help at all.
I certainly don't mean that age/health etc shouldn't be key factor in what gps do or that they should offer the exact same help regardless of circumstances.

And it is the very rare man who behaves like this anyway, and there is generally zero expectation on them to provide any assistance of any kind - so it's just not comparable.

Jobs here and there are different than doing childcare on a regular basis.

Hear hear.