AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

I think that’s why it’s best to if you want to offer purely do one day a week and set an age limit.

Because it really does come across as favourable to one adult child over the other and does hurt feelings.

If ops mum can watch a child and the sister has had childcare for years and the op gets nothing of course it hurts and it does affect the children and granny relationship. The one she’s always with she will know better have a better connection and all those little memories.

I think it’s too soon to be thinking of nursery this close to the baby arriving. Who knows how you will feel in 1 year or 10 months time? You may not want to go back after that time. You haven’t even really properly started your maternity leave yet! When my babies were first born I was so sleep deprived making decisions like this was the last thing on my mind.

Not sure if I've got the ages right but wondering if it'll work out for your mum to have a nephew or two the same day you're not working so you can join up on some of the days. Two grown ups to two or three tiny people is a better ratio than one grown up to one toddler. If that works your mum gets to spend time with your child without doing more childcare and you get to see your nephews.

I think a lot might change over the year you're on maternity leave and it's a bit early for people other than you (because of nursery requirements) to be doing detailed planning.

In an ideal world for who and what happens if the OP and her DSis have a couple more DC each?

Unless you actually ask you won’t know

obv term time only if very different from every week

if she did 2 days for you would they be the same days so she has nearly 3yr an baby (tho also how long are you having off ) will your baby be almost 1 and possibly walking - mini blondes was before she was 1

or 2 separate days so that’s 4days looking after kids

in an ideal world one day each and a day together so only 3 days

You must be happy with the nursery to have chosen it and you’re fortunate to be able to work four days a week so concentrate on this and enjoy your new baby. What your DM does is out of your control.

The op has been vocal about her mother being moody and irritable, has gone on about how positive she feels about nurseries and has been disapproving about the sister and BIL using the mother.

It's hardly surprising her mum hasn't volunteered to mind her baby.

@YeaVerilyyou shouldn't feel obliged to mind all your grandchildren, however many you get. Certainly not if it's causing you anxiety. Maybe it would help to limit any offers to the first baby from each of your children, to give new parents a head start on the whole childcare cycle and to feel as though you've done something for each of your dc. But only if you are up to it health wise. It doesn't have to be for years at a time or full time. And obviously if there are massive age gaps and you feel too old/unwell, then just explain that. I think the issues largely come about when people ignore a situation and hope it resolves itself, but instead it sometimes leaves children mistakenly feeling that their sibling is cared for more.

Sorry if you got offended I lived in between 2 teachers they seemed to be off work endlessly and always home before 5, as a grandmother 13 weeks of time off from childcare is a gift. Teachers are very touchy😁

I think it’s a difficult situation. I mean, when does it stop? If you or your sister have more children, is she expected to step up for all of them to make it fair? Maybe when she took on your sisters child she thought it would be easier than what it is, but as your dms getting older, she might now realise it’s tougher than what she thought, and the thought of taking on the care of another child will be just too much. I have a dgd, 2 years old, who I look after overnight once a month. I’m only mid 50s, but find it absolutely exhausting.

Unfortunately this is often the way, and grandparent childcare goes to the eldest grandchild leaving less room in their lives for any subsequent grandchildren. My eldest’s cousin is only 8 months older than him and yet her relationship with their grandparents is totally different (closer) than his is. My MIL has always helped loads with our nieces and barely offered any help at all for our children, and as a result they are much closer to them. Now they are all older they even give the girls more pocket money for school trips and try to justify it in various ways, but it does not go unnoticed by our boys. When MIL and FIL visit us they even spend almost the whole time talking about the boys cousins, it’s so sad. And before anyone says maybe the boys are harder work than the girls, think again. Our eldest niece is a nightmare, rude, badly behaved and social media obsessed. Whereas our boys are pretty polite, happy to chat to their grandparents and don’t even have social media.

Firstly babies / kids do pick up an abundance of illness from nursery, so expect to get constant calls and days off in the first year.

Secondly, I do see why you’re a little hurt, but I imagine your mum is thinking how does she handle this. I imagine she doesn’t want to, nor should, spend 4 days caring for babies and toddlers when she’s nearing 70. Personally, i’d be more comfortable paying a nursery than a pensioner being in sole care of my child (and maybe that’s a little unfair, but i’m slowing down at 50, can’t imagine how tough it must be at nearly 70 doing full days childcare. In my experience, it’s far easier to pay for childcare than have family members do it.

Your sister really should consider increasing her son’s nursery to allow your mum to at least do one day looking after your child. I don’t know what the answer is but please don’t have her spending 4 days a week caring for such young children. She should be enjoying some downtime too. Maybe speak to your sister about it.

We had to book nursery places wrll in advance (when I was pregnant with my second which felt crazy!) but we just booked for all 5 days and then reduced that down closer to the time when we knew what days we’d actually need. Most Nurserys need 30 days notice to change

Most mothers do not stop at one. My point is that the OP's mother has cared for her grandson for three years and now the OP wants the same in the name of fairness . Then in the name of 'fairness , more grandchildren will arrive who need care and bang goes the grandmother's retirement

This exactly. I'm in this exact position. I did it for one and I really don't know how many more there might be. I can't go on doing this for every child that's born.
It's actually making me anxious as to how it will go when I have to say I can't do it. I might do as OP's mother and say nothing until it has to be spelled out.
It's quite upsetting for any grandmother as well, having to say no when you really want to be able to do it.

@Changename12
You write 'You are responsible for the children you bring up. You are not responsible for your parents. If they don’t treat you well you can ignore them.'
Sadly, the same is true going up the generations. If grandparents are deliberately kept at arm's length from one set of grandchildren and welcomed into the other set of grandchildren. The grandparents are bound to be closer and more involved in the ones they see regularly. I know so many paternal grandparents sidelined in favour of the maternal grandparents. I see it all the time on Mumsnet. What is your advice ? If they dont treat you well, you can ignore them. There is no law except for human nature.

I don't think this will have occured to your mum yet to be honest.
Just drop into conversation you're looking at nursery places now as the wait lists are so long.

My mum was gobsmacked I had to apply for a nursery place before my baby was born to secure a place when I went back to work (& I took a full year plus annual leave off)! It just wasn't like that for them.

Also had a similar conversation at work recently as one of the ladies expecting is about to go off on maternity leave and we were talking about plans for her first few days leave and she said she'd booked in visiting nurseries so they can get on the list! Most of the team who did not have young kids were surprised.

Just apply for the most hours could need and then talk to your mum closer to the time and you can always reduce the hours you request at nursery as long as you give notice (usually 30 days)

That. Just a casual conversation.

If your mum is set on continuing with the other GC and not yours, another conversation needs to be had about how you'd like your child to have the same one to one loving relationship with her as their cousin does, and how you and your mum can facilitate that

You're overthinking their are so many things it could be maybe your mum is worn down from looking after your nephew and regrets agreeing to it

I'd plump for this one. I speak from experience. Once you start doing it it's virtually impossible to stop without giving huge offence. It's very wearing doing it all over again 35 years later.

22 weeks a year? Where on earth do you get that?
Try 39.

If you can afford to pay for childcare then that answers all your questions without having to ask your mum. It cuts out all the argy bargy and feeling upset having to ask and what your sister might say if you use mum to lose her a day's childcsre so you can have it.

I didn't have any parents when I had DD as I was an older mum. My sister had 3 children of her own who were teens, she never offered any childcare. DH's parents were in their 70s and I didn't feel it was right or safe for them to have her so she went to a childminder 4 hours a day while I went to work. DH had regular days off work but never offered to look after her - useless father & husband. We separated when DD was 4.

I just saw it that she was our child and it was up to us to sort childcare out, I didn't want the constant questions and criticisms about how we lived our lives, involving grandparents only causes grief one way or another. Childminders and nurseries don't cause hassle in my experience.

You need to raise the conversation yourself to get the ball rolling and give everyone else time to think about what it means for them. Ask your mum if she has any capacity to look after another one in a years time? Ask your sister if her son will do more hours in nursery in a years time as they may get extra free hours. You can simply say, that you have to register him now to get on the waiting list so that hopefully there will be a space when you need it. Don’t have to say you’ve committed to anything. Just weighing up the options and seeing what help might be available. No pressure on anyone, not expecting any yes’s or no’s although fine to say no, you’re just weighing up your options and would like them to have a little think also. You sound fortunate to have both your mother & sister close by & between the 3 of you, should be able to find a solution. Of course dads also play a part before anyone jumps down on me!

It is very tiring looking after young children as you get older. Also your sister is a teacher they only work about 22 weeks a year so your mum gets lots of time off which is very different to looking after a baby 48 weeks a year thst sounds relentless. I really love my DGD but it takes me couple of days to recover if I have them for a weekend and they aren't babies.

Agree totally. Maybe she finds it too tying and to ffer you 2 days would mean an almost full time job.
Maybe she would like to reduce her babysitting but feeling obligated to continue. I don't think it's about preferences. I suspect she is finding it too time consuming or stressful

There's a lot of 'whataboutery' in this post.
I do think that you are projecting a lot of anger on this thread because you haven't been able to deal with your own children and now the situation has run away with you - no offence was meant by my advice, it's only that when you post your personal situation, it does invite comment. And I genuinely hope you get it resolved and enjoy some of your retirement.

I'm not sure your statistics about ageing parents is relevant tbh - if a gp is too old to provide childcare, so be it. But OP's mum is continuing to provide it, just not for OP, which is where the unfairness comes in.

No one is saying that a gp should be looking after all the grandkids for years on end, at the expense of their own health and retirement, but in OPs case, if her mum is going to continue doing childcare, it seems reasonable to spread the help. I wouldn't give all my resources to one child and none to the other.
You can say it's the gps right to do as they please and that's true. But it's also true that it will have an effect on the relationships of one child feels that their sibling and siblings child are favoured.

Haven’t rtft but it seems to me that what OP really wants is for her mum to volunteer to stop caring for her nephew and swap to providing care for her baby. I can totally see why OP would want this but she can’t ask for it as would put her mum in an awful position and likely infuriate her sister.

OP - since you acknowledge your mum is knackered doing the childcare she already does, you know it would be unreasonable to put even more on her, so you’re just going to have to accept that you won’t get the same free childcare as your sister. If you’d had your baby first then it would likely have been the other way round. You can still facilitate a great relationship between your mum and baby.