AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

I also know that I won’t be freely providing care for my parents when they inevitably require it. The favourite child can give back.

There we go - women punishing other women for not doing childcare. You mentioned DGP but I doubt the GF actually does the majority of the care.

You might have missed my earlier post. I agree a granny is not a nanny and don't expect regular childcare. They worked hard and should enjoy retirement.

My MIL pays for my SiL to have a nanny and not for us. I don't want to dwell much more on this point other than saying personally I would like to share support more equitably amongst my children.

I'm not sure why you keep arguing with me and I think you misunderstood my post.

I do not believe grandparents are obligated to provide childcare. They should live their best retirement life and if they have the health and desire to help babysit that's their choice. That is why I have nothing against my FIL for offering ad hoc care.

To put it simply, i just don't think a grandparent should be paying for a nanny to support one child and not the other. Personally if I have the money to pay for help, I will share that amongst my kids, adjusting of course if there's a medical condition or disability. But you can disagree on that if you think otherwise.

We are in a similar situation, my sister has never paid for any childcare, niece is now 7. They childminded for the pre school years and now do school pick ups for her too. We’ve never even had an offer of a few hours baby sitting from DGP (even when I had my second child) and consequently we have never had a date night or child free meal in 7yrs (not that I expected this). Our total childcare costs to date are approx £35,000 and that’s with me working part time. My sister is able to do a full time job and pay no costs. For reference our oldest child is the oldest of the three grandchildren by a few months.

I now just think the children are not missing out as they are also unaware of the disparity. I also know that I won’t be freely providing care for my parents when they inevitably require it. The favourite child can give back.

The way to deal with this, is just make your own plans, be as independent as you can. It’s rubbish feeling as if you are not important but what goes around comes around. You will not have to put up with her moods or being let down.

It’s not ‘favouritism’ at all. Her sister’s child existed long before the OP’s. Her mother made on offer for a certain amount of childcare based on what she wanted and felt able for at the time. No stipulations were made about offering equal availability for subsequent children, whether they’re the OP’s or her sister’s.

What her mother thinks about non-family childcare is a totally separate issue.

But the OP's mum has not said she wont help with childcare; she just hasn't raised it just after the birth and a year before the OP returns to work. And the OP hasn't raised it either.
And, in addition, the OP has been telling her Mum about the benefits of nursery and has raised concerns about whether her Mum should be looking after her nephew. So the Mum probably assumes any offer of childcare would be unwelcome.
Next post: I've made it clear to my Mum that I don't approve of family childcare and want my child to go to nursery. Yet a whole year before my MAT leave ends, she is already asking me to let her look after my child when I return to work. Given she knows my views, I feel this is overstepping and undermining me as a new parent because she has old fashioned views about nurseries not being ideal for young children.

The point I think OP is making is she experiences the lack of any kind of offer from her mom about childcare as favouritism.

And it is. Older sister has gotten child are that has saved her a ton of money. OP won't get that. She sees her mom is having some difficulty now with the amount of childcare she's doing. She's not demanding the same childcare. She feels put out because her mom was a hypocrite trashing nursery for years, providing some childcare for one of her grandkids, but OP's been left out of that and is rightfully making her own arrangements. Her mom will probably criticize OP for using nursery while providing care for one grandchild and not hers. If I was OP, I'd stop that the second she starts in. She can't afford not to use nursery.

No

She needs to say I’m not up to regular childcare anymore and stop doing it at all

Alternatively if she feels up to, for example, a day a week in term time but that’s her limit she should ideally say “actually that means I can maybe do a weekday or a weekend day once every month or so for each child to help out and spend time with the grandkids”

What I think is objectionable to the OP (& would be to many) is to say I will continue spending 2 days a week providing childcare for child one and spend all that time with grandchild one but that uses all my energy so child/grandchild 2 gets nothing. It is the disparity right now that causes the most upset. Saying I did it in past for 1 but lack the ability/energy 2-3 years later to do it again isn’t the same as doing it for one child and not the other at the same time.

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more

So OP's mum needs to keep doing more childcare as not to show favouritism. Her energy levels and health do not matter.

I think many people would have zero issue with the idea that a parent says their days of coping with babies/toddlers are behind them
but would feel hurt if a parent had the time/energy to provide regular care two days a week max and used all of it to care exclusively for one grandchild.

It’s a bit like if your parent died and left no one any money it wouldn’t feel the same as if they died and left your sibling £100k and you nothing. Regardless of why they actually did it most people would experience that as a kind of rejection or measure of how their parent valued them relative to a sibling,

even if that is only 1 day per child so that she maybe gets the same type of relationship with your child as the first child.

So the OP's mum needs to step up and offer more childcare even though she is struggling, tired and ill more often? Because being fair to her daughters is more important than her own health and energy levels 🙄

FIL doing ad hoc - see how much easier it is for the men?

Maybe the MIL has her own reasons. Maybe there are factors at play that you do not know about. But yes it is the nasty MIL and SIL while FIL offers to do ad hoc care here and there and no one expects any more from him.

Poor Granny

If only the men stepped up then maybe poor granny wouldn't be struggling.

Finally, some one said this! All the opprobium is aimed at the mother, yet no one is asking if there is a father on the scene to help out.

Honestly, this all sounds like a lot of people having got themselves into entrenched positions.

Your mother having been so vocal about nurseries, can't suggest that her oldest grandchild has more time in nursery to stop her being so tired.

You've always argued/pushed back at your mum about nurseries and then told her that you have sorted nursery, she may well think that this is what you want (or just be knackered as above).

If you are going to seethe about it, then just ask your mum if it's possible that she could offer some childcare - even if that is only 1 day per child so that she maybe gets the same type of relationship with your child as the first child. If it really isn't going to bother you that much, then leave it, although worth asking if she'd be able to help in emergencies.

A granny is not a nanny! She ages and gets tired.

FIL offers to look after the kids on an ad hoc basis as he is still working full time. Because there's no favouritism at play my comment is directed at my MIL.

So taking him out of the picture, are you suggesting that if you have 2 children it is fair to pay for a nanny to help out one of your child and not the other? Personally unless there's a medical reason I would not.

YABU The rule is whichever sibling pops out the first child they get first dibs on free childcare from granny. Sadly Granny will only have limited energy and cannot offer the same to the next sibling who has a grandchild. I've seen it happen time and again with sisters assuming their mother will look after ALL THE CHILDREN equally - just not possible!

I don't get the impression that gran is planning to stop looking after the first grandchild, on account of finding it too much. So will continue to give all her help to one child but not the other. I don't see how anyone could view that as fair. Okay, she might not be able to offer a full 2 years of help to the OP, but since she is carrying on with childcare, how is it right to not share her help between her 2 daughters?

If you've only just had your baby, i suspect this is not something that has crossed your mum's mind. I know you've had to confirm your place already, but thats because you are already planning on going back to work and are having to deal with the logistics. Your mum probably doesnt realise the demand for childcare and that people have to register for childcare so early. Tbf, i wouldnt have either, and thats bc i took time out after i had my dc, its not something i had to think about at the time, so it wouldnt occur to me.

I am also hurt that they haven’t mentioned the disparity either to me or I don’t think my mum.

Of course they wont!They stand to lose out if they point it out, so why would they?!! It's not their battle to fight. When it comes to money all this sibling love/bond usually flies out of the window. Your sister will want this arrangement to continue at least until her child starts reception.

It is what it is OP. At least you will not be obliged to your mun. You sound lovely. Congratulations on your baby x

That's not really fair on the grandmother. She's two years older now.

What's fair is for adults having children is to sort their own childcare. If a grandparent is willing to provide some great, but it shouldn't be an expectation, much less a requirement. Aging changes things. Cost of living changes things.

This grandmother is obviously getting to the point where 2 days of care is too much and she's starting to show physical effects and more illnesses. OP feels a bit hurt that she won't get the same. But the facts are her mom is not going to be doing the same for her as she did for the older sister.

I think an acknowledgement of that would go a long way. Mom has trash talked nurseries, but didn't back it up with action for both of her kids. That's hypocrisy on her part.

@OneLovingMoose , you might want to suggest your mom get the RSV vaccine.

It sounds like you are sad about the perceived differences in treatment but I think YABU as you don’t want to do anything about it. You don’t want to ask, you don’t want to talk to your mum about it, you just want to sit feeling sad that she’s not asked you (even though it seems like you’d prefer her not to looks after your child as it’s too much)?

while I get the feeling itself, it’s not helpful to you. Who knows why your mum hasn’t offered, I would guess it’s nothing to do with favourites and all to do with being worn out from what she’s doing already. She maybe doesn’t want to bring it up as she thinks it will be hurtful for you, or she might feel compelled to offer something she can’t do to make it “fair”. And while it’s not first come first serve it is a bit as she’s extended herself as far as she can’t and that’s all she can do. Other than doing less for your sister there’s not much she can now do about it. Or should she only have offered 1 day to your sister in case you’d have a baby soon after?

What if you get ill? Will you keep doing it for every gc to be fair?

I wonder how many grandfathers are making these kinds of arrangements?

When will your nephew start school @OneLovingMoose ? Maybe your mum will offer when your nephew is in school & that much older? It does sound tricky & I understand your feelings but sounds like you need a conversation to stop resentment building.

What if they have more kids? Can you take care of 2 at a time?

But the current grandchild is already impacting on her physical health and she is tired and irritable from your quote from the OP. It is another year until the OP goes back to work so the DM would have to offer 3 years of childcare to the OP in the interests of fairness. By which time she will be six years older than when she started, which can be huge in terms of health and stamina when you're in your seventies as this lady will be. And what if there is another sibling in the wings who may be having children in the future?

I can also imagine the post on here from the sister saying she has been let down by her DM who she expected to provide childcare until her DS started school and had planned her life accordingly. And how she was going to have to deal with the upset her son was going to feel to find out that Nanny was jettisoning him in favour of his cousin. And everyone agreeing how terrible of the DM and was the other sister the Golden Child, and if her DM was that unreliable she shoukd go LC etc etc