AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

Exactly. The situations are not the same yet. She's just given birth. The offer for the sister came later. This situation is all in OP's head. And she's not willing to do a thing to resolve it by just talking to her mother.

The ridiculous thing here is that the mum made the offer to her sister a few months before she returned to work. The OP has a newborn and because her mum hasn't offered yet she's constructed this entire unfairness scenario in her head.

Wouldn't most people think it's easier for the grandmother to continue caring for a four year old she's already being looking after for a couple of years than to swap back to caring for a 1 year old?

She did mention somewhere where she says to her mother that it's too much for her, even though she enjoys it, and her mother seems irritable and grumpy. I thought I'd be irritable and grumpy too if I was enjoying something and finding it fine and someone was telling me it was too much for me. Like I'm past it, or something. I'm not going to search for it though.

I have just read through all of OP's posts and I can't find the bit where she's repeatedly told her mother the current childcare is too much for her and criticised her for it. The closest I've found is her joking about her mum being in a worse mood after a couple of days of toddler tantrums.

Can you quote the relevant post? I must have missed it.

Despite people saying it, often the first post doesn't nail it. In this case it has, thank you for such a level headed response

Ops sister hadn’t repeatedly told her mum that caring for grandkids is too much for her, which is very relevant context. Why would a grandma serve herself up on a platter for more criticism from her eldest daughter by offering to look after her baby too?

OP has said her mother initiated it much closer to the sister's return to work date. Hers is still a year away. I wouldn't be initiating anything at that point either. If OP wants to do so earlier, she needs to initiate the conversation herself. But she'd rather sit around feeling butt hurt than simply have a conversation.

If I were the grandmothers friend sitting down for coffee with her, I will tell her, "Why don't you just tell them all you've given it a go and found it doesn't work for you? Tell them you're too tired and it's hurting your health. They should understand. If they don't, then that's on them. One day they will."

It takes a special kind of selfish to see or know your mother is struggling (or be told if you didn't know) and then expect her to do it anyway. Your mothers are just as important as you.

And a caring, not selfish DD hearing that her mother is struggling would then say, "You know Mum, don't worry about it. I will sort something else for childcare with nursery." And not feel resentful.

Im not saying I want the childcare those days or my sister not to have them, but some other offer or acknowledgement from my mum as my child’s DGM!

Maybe she can’t think of an equivalent - I don’t think you have thought of one (and I’m not saying that I could think of one!)

Can you talk to her about whether she'd be prepared to do the odd sick day/nursery training day/some days in school holidays later? (It can be hard to find school holiday care for 4 year olds). That could potentially really help you out!

Realistically she wouldn't expect the grandfathers on each side to be providing childcare even if they were around. It is the older women who get criticised generally not the men.

I am not sure why OP is so confused her mum has not offered:

my mum is brilliant with my nephew and clearly loves it, but it does tire her out. She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more

But OP is choosing to focus that the offer has not been made regarding childcare.

My mum has very strong views that nursery isn’t right for young children and has always blamed any illness or toddler behaviour on it 🙄. Both my sister and I have pushed back on this (especially when she suggests my sister should stop working), but those views have remained based on nothing but her opinion.

She is criticising her DM then saying she getting upset because she did not offer childcare.

It's a year away, so maybe the mum hasn't got around to it?

But OP said her dad died. Umm. And her inlaws live hours away.

The offer to do childcare for the sister came from OP's mom. The mom initiated it. I think it's odd that she hasn't made the same offer to OP given her negative views on nursery and while it's likely best she's not involved in caring for OP's child, there's a reason for that lack of offer. I think OP doesn't want to speak about the elephant in the room, and that would be favoritism. The mom could acknowledge that she's getting past childcare. But she's still doing it for one.

There's a disparity in how she treats her children and grandchildren. She's willing for OP's kid to endure all those negatives she gripes about. That's got to hurt some.

I very much doubt that the people who expect free childcare as a right from their sick and elderly mothers are the type of people who would ever consider providing any elderly care anyway.

I think OP would feel less hurt if her DM had said ‘I would love to give you the same level of support with your DC when you return to work but I’m struggling with the commitments I already have and can’t change until DGC1 goes to school’.
That acknowledge would change everything. OP would feel important and not second best and would be reassured if the grandmother was younger and fitter she also would get some support even if it was slightly less time.

if OP has no right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from her mother, equally her mother has no right to expect a single second of elderly care from OP

Yes older women need to be punished for not providing childcare.

Your language is extreme and unpleasant. Referring to OP as a 'grasping bludger of an entitled daughter' is unkind and unfair.

However, if OP has no right or entitlement to expect even a single second of childcare from her mother, equally her mother has no right to expect a single second of elderly care from OP. OP can leave it all to her sister, the recipient of all her mother's largesse.

I would hope that your mum will offer to you but do one day with your child and tell your sister that she's reducing the days she has your nephew to one. That would be the fair thing to do, it's what I would do. But she should give the sister plenty of notice that that's what she would like to do so your sister can arrange an extra day in nursery.

I think that's a great suggestion!

OP, you have just given birth and your hormones and emotions are likely all over the place. I dont think it is helpful for people to frame this as favouritism when the evidence is not really there. You've said the offer to your sister came just three months before she returned to work and your husband's comment that she just won't have thought about it yet is likely the right one.
However, even if she does now feel that perhaps she bit off more than she could chew with looking after your nephew and, three years older, doesn't feel she could do it again, doesn't mean that she loves you or your child less. As we get older, we are often overly optimistic about our energy and doing an activity for a couple of hours with similarly aged friends is very different to caring for a baby or toddler all day.
It sounds too that you have (as I do as an oldest child and have seen in my own daughter) some residual resentment at feeling 'pushed out' by the younger sibling and feeling that you're being expected to grow up more quickly, even while knowing those feelings are sometimes irrational. From what you have said, you lost your father at an early age, so I assume your mum was a single parent as well as dealing with her own grief, which will have made everything harder for all of you.
I'm not really clear what you want from your mum, and I suspect you are not either. At various points you have said you want 'the same' as your sister, that you feel it is better for your child and for your relationship with your mum for them to go to nursery, that you dont want her to stop looking after your nephew, that she is already struggling with one child so adding another on the same day would be too much, that you can see with your sister it's term time only whereas this would be year-round for you, that you worry about her picking up bugs from your nephew but would like her to provide emergency care if your child is ill.
I don't think it will do anyone any good for you to stew on all this when you should be enjoying your new baby. If, as you say, your mum and sister are last minute types, it will probably be you who has to raise it as it is you who is thinking about it all. I would frame it as you loving the relationship between your mum and nephew and how can we facilitate a similar relationship with your child. But come to terms in your own mind that if your mum no longer feels up to the same level of regular childcare (which may well be more in your case given no school holidays and, i suspect longer days) this is a reflection of increasing age and recent experience, not a rejection of your baby.
Wishing you peace.

It’s quite tricky! Would you want your Mum to watch your baby if she offered? If you don’t then I’d leave things as they are and be relieved you haven’t been pressed into an arrangement that make your uncomfortable.

I suspect she already finds the two days too much and can’t roll back from that commitment but is balking at adding more days with a baby. So not personal to you and your baby, more a situation that she hasn’t really planned for.

However I also get your need to have the conversation and acknowledge, I come from a family where I am eldest, the planner, the sensible one and get utterly shafted all the time with huge differences made between siblings.

My suggestion is that you open up a conversation along lines of:

DM I wanted to check something with you. I am at a stage where I need to confirm my return to work plans and therefore make my childcare plans. I have a nursery in mind and have assumed that you are already fully committed with DN however if that is not the case, let’s discuss as I am not trying to exclude you nor wish to offend you.

That puts ball in her court, its polite and kinda forces some sort of conversation.

This

you word it better than me

but I’ve also said previously I don’t think gp should do childcare all the time as they have brought up their kids and now their free time and then doing childcare again but 30yrs later

OP is criticising her DM then at the same time being put out because no childcare offer has been made by her. If DM is that critical then put your child in your nursery.

As usual unfair expectations of older women which do not apply to the men.