AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

Stop going on about ‘ women’s time’. I do this with my husband. We both love our grandchildren.
Some people have equal relationships.

Nobody on this thread has suggested the grandfather should step up, that I have seen.

That your husband "shares the load" does not negate the reality that men are almost never in the equation, only the poor bloody grandmothers.

The first grandchild is often favoured. I have seen it happen over and over again. Blatantly in many cases e.g a grandparent slipping the eldest twenty pounds every week and the the other grandchildren get nothing. Or (in my case), the grandparents finding my eldest child super interesting in an almost anthropological way and my second child is ignored.

You sound quite pro nursery and your mother may well think she isn't required or she may be too tired to take on subsequent children or she may not even have thought about it yet. She may be hoping she can babysit once a week for you instead. Looking after two small children is a lot for anyone and having grandchildren on alternative days means she is doing childcare full time which isn't fair on her. Neither can she be expected to stop an existing arrangment with one child because other grandchildren came along. I expect she is really looking forward to your nephew starting preschool leaving her only the afternoons to care for him.

This is not true. My husband shares the load with me when we do childcare.

Sorry OP I think there is some underlying jealousy with the arrangement your (younger) sister has (which seemed to happen organically so your sister wasn’t locked into two months of nursery she didn’t need) but this is being framed as worrying about the baby’s relationship with his GM. Yes your nephew has had a head start as he is older (and the first GC) - but how do you propose addressing that in reality? A ban on DM spending time with the nephew until DM has spent an equal number of days with both GC?

From what you have said your poor DM has likely bitten off more than she can chew already but can’t back down because she has been so vocal about nursery. She is probably not thinking so far in the future and if she is will be nervous about either doing 4 full days childcare so it is “fair” or having two children at once, one very young when the nephew is getting easier and more rewarding. Your sister will be happy with her current situation and not want to change it especially as she has the benefit of being able to have her child instead of your mom in the long teacher holidays. That said who knows what will happen in six months time?

Your baby is presumably very young. Your hormones are flying all over the place and I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Your DM will be able to build a great relationship with the baby without doing 2 days a week childcare (in a years time) even if it might not be “the same” because of circumstances. Perhaps you can carve out some special things they do together eg swimming or a particular class etc?

I can't stand people who try to steal women's time, attention and hard work for free. The OP is entitled to no free labour from her mother. None at all.

What you prefer doesn't matter either. You're not the OP's mother.

And nobody (and I do mean nobody) cares if you are a GP 😆 This information is absolutely irrelevant except to make you sound pompous and self important inserting that into a conversation where it doesn't matter (at all).

Exactly, esp when the OP said it really tires her mum out just with one.

You've probably defended nursery so much, she doesn't think you want her to look after your child.
I would have an honest conversation, and tell her you would love her to look after your child, and for her to build that bond (I definitely wouldn't talk about the money side), but that you are worried it's too much for her and don't want to impose.
Then see what she says.
It might be that she thinks it will be too much, but now has got attached to your sister's child and doesn't want to see him any less. But maybe not. Maybe she hasn't mentioned it to you as was concerned you would knock her back. And most probably, she just hasn't thought that far ahead.

And yet its never suggested that men do it.

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I don’t think this is too soon.
We are GPs and have been doing childcare for years. When we made the offer of childcare to one child it was assumed by both us and our children that it would be the same for both children. We only did one day a week for each child plus extras if the grandchildren were sick etc but our grandchildren’s other grandparents also did the same. Now it is mostly school pick ups and holidays.
We first discussed this just before our first grandchild was born.
OP, I think you need to talk to your mother and ask her if she is going to do any childcare for you. Really if she can only spare 2 days a week then that should be one for you and one for your sister. I can’t stand people who have favourite children and grandchildren.

It's difficult. My mum looked after my nephews a day a week before my DD was born. Now she does a day a week for my DD too, often more because we live 5 mins away. I have other siblings who don't have children (yet), I don't think she would be able to offer another day if they did have children, so I am not sure how that would shake out...but I think we do have to accept that people have limits and maybe your mother has reached hers with DN. You could approach it by saying you would like her to be as close to her as your nephew is, and whether she would like regular time together rather than asking for childcare.

You're not entitled to other women's work, care, attention or time - even your mother's. A lot of mumsnetters really need to accept, process and internalise that reality.

Ask her if you want her to help, don't act out if she says no.

She doesn't actually owe you any sort of explanation at all, of course, but you could politely ask her if she does say no.

Alternatively you could be grateful for a healthy baby, the money and ability to get nursery care, a job, and all the other great things in your life and leave your poor mother in peace.

Your mother is a human being in her own right with all her own choices to make, likes, dislikes and things to weigh up.

Maybe she prefers your sister. Maybe that's not "fair" from your point of view. So what? You can't mould other people - even your own mother - into whatever you would prefer to work for you.

As for her comments about nursery school, you won't have to put up with that if you're not getting unpaid labour from her, you can just say "It works for us" in a bland voice on a repeating loop till she shuts up about it.

It used to be a tenet of life, that you can't change how other people behave the only thing you can do is change your reaction to it. Work on that.

If your nephew is already two surely he will be eligible for some free childcare by the time you go back to work. This might free up mum to look after your child. It’s clear she finds looking after a toddler exhausting so she may want to only have one at a time. Lots can change in a year and it’s too soon to make definite plans. Just enjoy your baby and stop worrying. Also get mum involved as much as she is able with your little one.
Babies are exhausting and however much older people might want to help, they don’t always have the energy.

Well, I think if it knackers your mum out then you already have the answer. She perhaps can't take on another baby, despite your mums opinions on nursery care. I wouldn't think of it as rejection or favouring your sister over you, just happened to be your sister who had a baby first and your mum too tired to look after 2, be it same days or alternative days, meaning your mum will pretty much have a full time job looking after grandchildren. I wouldn't say anything unless your mum brings up the subject, she may be well aware and feeling, perhaps guilty or afraid she will be railroaded. If you're worried about closeness with your baby and grandma, there's nothing stopping you for going around with your baby when not working for a visit.

Sometimes parents do not need to treat their children equally in everything the do for their kids. I wonder if there's some things your mum does for you that she doesn't do for your sis?

I feel a bit like this sometimes - my mum lives with my sister’s family and as a result is effectively live-in childcare for them. I got annoyed about the disparity once and my sister said, “yeah, but who’ll end up looking after her when she’s old and lost her marbles?” So I guess it’ll even out eventually.

My daughters are not indebted to me - they owe me nothing. They both have two days of childcare a week. (I did 5 days for a couple of years until one daughter reduced her days.) I was asked to look after my first grandchild and I offered to look after subsequent grandchildren because I wanted to be fair to my daughters. I was very aware that I wanted to be fair. So I think your mother and your sister will be aware of your situation.

The time that I've spent childminding my grandchildren (since 2016) has flown. My youngest DGC are now three and won't start reception until they are 5. I feel privileged to have looked after them and have close relationships with them. I know it doesn't last - I have accepted that.

I'm very lucky to be in a position to be able to do this. I get tired - but it's not a draining tiredness.

I think you should address the elephant in the room - because you all know it's there.

There's your answer then. It's a year away. Of course she's not planning her life that far in advance! YBVU.

It's great of your mum to offer any regular child care. I certainly won't be able to commit to regular childminding when gc no 1 appears later this year. Maybe your mum finds it easier to offer term time support only?

Is she quite a young grandma? I won't be particularly and still have a few work commitments, plus I have a lot of living to catch up on.

So you are more than three months away from returning to work?

I really think that your mum just won't want to suggest you start thinking about going back to work yet, as it's so far in the future.

You need to ask her