AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

Communicate... a simple conversation with both of them present.

"Hey guys... so I'm thinking about nursery places, and I was wondering how we are going to arrange childcare now that (grandma) has two grandchildren...."

If they are reasonable, then you will all come to an agreement. Maybe your mum wants to do more, or maybe 2 days is max, and she needs to split that between the children..

Or maybe they don't want to change, in which case - good, its good to know where you stand, so you can adjust your relationship accordingly.

She often seems irritable afterwards and has been ill more, but won’t acknowledge it’s a lot and insists she wants to do it and takes it personally when I mention how it’s a lot for her especially when I make a joke of a bad mood she may be in after a tough couple of toddler tantrum days.

If I was your mum, I wouldn’t have offered because you are already pointing out that the childcare is a lot for her - that gives the impression you wouldn’t want her doing more.

Just ask her, OP. If you want her help, don’t sit waiting for her to offer and feeling slighted that she hasn’t.

There's no entitlement to 'fairness' here - it is what it is. Your mum had capacity to look after a small child then, but she doesn't now. That's just life. I think you need to get over it and stop torturing yourself with thoughts of fairness. You can visit grandma lots, have some sleepovers. If you make the effort, they will have a good relationship.

Yes, it is unreasonable for you to be hurt since you haven't even tried to talk to your mother about her intentions. You can do that in a way that exerts no pressure at all, just ask if she would like to do the same, if she can.

Honestly, it would frustrate me if my daughter was sitting there all butt hurt over something I don't even know she's thinking about when she hasn't even bothered trying to talk to me or ask a simple question. But that's on her and not my problem if she can't even ask.

Even if I dearly wanted to give care to a grandchild next year, I wouldn't be thinking about it at this stage. Too early.

Just forget the concept of “fairness”- life's not fair. Its not fair your sister had a child 2 years earlier than you. Its not fair grandparents get old and exhausted. Your mother isn't to blame for the unfairness of life. If you were really concerned about your mother’s health and happiness you wouldn't be fixated on this.

It’s a lot easier managing childcare when it’s all on a professional basis with no favours involved. Will save you a lot of hassle in the long run.

It does seem unfair, but as no conversation has taken place you don't know the reasons. It maybe that your mum thinks you don't want her to provide childcare, and is worried she'd be turned down if she offered. Enjoy your maternity leave, it goes so quickly.

Stop making excuses. You want your nephew and your sister to miss out on unpaid labour so you don't. That's it, that's all of it.

Of course it's about expectations. You are STILL trying to help yourself to your mother's free time. Her time is not your resource to be shared among her family. If she never does a moment of unpaid labour for you and still does it for your sister that's her choice.

Once you have grasped that you are owed ZERO childcare or free labour of any kind, all else follows.

It is not an "imbalance" of anything as her time and free labour are not yours to balance. You can choose to be petulant and "hurt" about it or do the right thing and leave her be to manage her own time and labour.

What is "fair" is that your mother does whatever she wants with her own time. That's the entire story

Yup. That's it, in a nutshell. Accept it, because her mother's time and free labour is not a resource to be doled out to others.

I honestly think you need to tell her how you feel or this will continue to rankles. I'd just say it straight - mum, it might just be the hormones but when making my childcare plans for my return to work I'm feeling a bit sad that you haven't offered to take my DC two days a week like you do with DGC1. I am not asking you to do any childcare as I know you do get tired looking after DGC1 but I feel sad that you may not have the same bond with my DC as with XX. I am not trying to make you feel guilty but I thought I should tell you how I was feeling.

There could be loads of different outcomes which could make you feel much better - she could be planning to help but not yet have said, she could be waiting for DGC1 to reach a certain age so she can step back, she may not have thought at all but be happy to do it. Or, she may be avoiding the subject as she doesn't want to do it, in which case IMO better to hear why. If I were your mum I'd think your sister had done well out of childcare help so far, so DGC1 could go to nursery more now and she could switch her support to you. I would also speak to your sister about it if I were you and ask if she is planning to send nephew to nursery and extra day or two.

Or not. I mean, if I have a gc now, what I feel capable of might be very different if a second gc came along in ten years. Things change, we have to adapt to change, and it's not always about fairness or favouritism.

I wouldn't offer any childcare I'm not prepared to give. I'd offer to have both children on the same day, if asked. On days I say I'm free, as suits me. (And my DH would be involved too). And if something changes for me along the way - then they would both have to make other arrangements.

How old is your mum? She may not be sure she will be able to manage any regular childcare in a year's time, since she gets so tired now. If she can manage it, no doubt she will offer when the.time comes. Or at least explain that she can't. Leave for now and enjoy your baby.

I had the same thing. But the reality is first grandchild gets special treatment. Then they are too old and too tired to do it all again.
Just have to accept it and carry on.

My sibling used up my parents energies and goodwill by having kids first. Unfortunately or fortunately, the first grandchild is like a precious gem and they want to give them the world and what they couldnt do when they had their own kids. Then the reality sets in, the novelty wears off and they are getting more older and more tired and worn out and so all the grandkids that come after do not get the same time and energy.
Its just the way of things.

Is your sister's partner less "helpful" (at least in your mum's eyes) than yours? Are his parents unavailable for childcare (either live far way or some other reason)?
She might feel your partner's parents should be volunteering for childcare, rather than the maternal grandmother doing everything.
You'll only know if you speak to her. I get you don't want her to feel pressured, but if this is going to eat you up inside, it is surely better to talk, at least to understand her reasons?

Next we'll hear about the imaginary scenario where all grans everywhere were childcare providers and this has always been the expectation.

Except, no. My grandparents (grew up in the late 70s and 80s, from working class) never ever babysat my younger brother and I. With my older brother they did look after him a bit. If I had to guess I'd say it was too much for them and that's why they didn't offer with us - but it was never actually a conversation, I have never heard these demands outside mumsnet to be honest.

We went to visit them every second Sunday and my grandad would sometimes walk me to school when I was really young. That was the standard, nobody was looking after their grandchildren full time, or even part time regularly, except my friend whose mother died when she was 5, and whose gran took over the mothering role because of that. She died of a stroke in her mid 60s, poor woman, run ragged. Not my friend's fault of course, just unhappy circumstances, but running around looking after your grandchildren when you've already raised your children will have sent many women to an early grave.

My mum would never have had the entitlement to expect other women to use their free time for free labour for her own kids. Nor did I. It seems to be an middle class mindset on mumsnet, and I wish it would just stop.

Women's labour, time and attention are not for others to give away.

Do things for the right reasons...

Yeah. It will make the OP feel better if her sister’s not getting any childcare either.

I hope you don't mind me saying too, if you see your mum continue to struggle with your nephew or get more grumpy, I would perhaps try and get your sister to pull back on the day care too. Prob easier said than done though but you and your sis have a responsibility to make sure the care isn't too much too, work as a family unit.
Instead, have lovely days together that you all enjoy doing together. Picnics, take the children to feed the ducks, games, all nice memories and bonds will be created with their grandma 100%. Plus, am pretty sure your mum will be up for babysitting now and then if not shattered so you can go out! Bonus :-)

What would also avoid this situation arising would be the adult children involved not seeing their parents as a child are resource they’re owed an equally big slice of.

It would be batshit to suggest grandparents not offer any childcare at all to the first grandchild in case the parents of subsequent grandchildren get all bent out of shape about it Not Being Fair.

This was the thing I was picking up the most it just seemed like grandmothers are expected to provide free child care regardless It makes me think that so many don't even see us as people at all and then the idea of ringing sick little kids around grandparents in their late '60s and 70s like grandparents want to catch every single bug or flu that goes around. I don't know where this entitled expectation of free labor from women for decades that they have no right to their own life and time other than caretaking others. The grandmother and this situation is late '60s running around after a toddler is exhausting I understand why she wouldn't want to look after a toddler and an infant at the same time

Fwiw I do think this is why grandparents shouldn't commit to offering regular childcare to the first grandchild (unless it's pretty much a guarantee there will be only one grandchild) as it avoids this type of situation arising.