AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

Someone doing childcare for others reluctantly is never great. I’d rather nursery.

I think you’re deluded, OP. OK, let’s take you at your word for a minute and pretend that this is not about you wanting your mother to do equal childcare for your baby, because otherwise it’s ’unfair’.

Leaving childcare aside, how else exactly would you like your mother to give equal ‘attention’ to your child?

I presume your mother is worn out from looking after your nephew. She’s still holds her views but what can she do? She could offer with the first kid but she hasn’t the capacity for a second. If you had had your child first then you would have had an experience more like your sisters

Are you near enough to your mum to offer that she brings your sister’s child to your house once a week during your maternity leave so you can take some of the burden off her by helping with the childcare? Small things exhaust us as gps caring for little ones - getting to the toilet on our own, five minutes out every now and then to have a cuppa, someone younger and fitter doing some of the nappy changes. Mum can hold the baby and get to know them over the year. you can get to know your nephew/niece and have the joy of supporting your mum.

That is if that really is your priority, having her know your child… once she knows your child’s ways she will be able to decide if she is able to help you after you return to work in some way. But she’s the priority really as an older and probably very tired person who needs to feel loved and valued not just for the money she might save you. She can offer your child so much as a family member.

I have helped with childcare over ten years for my gc in two different families - my capabilities are very different now to how they were ten years ago and each family’s needs have been different so I have fitted in accordingly as I can and most importantly, as I have wanted to do so at any given time. Another family is too far away for me to regularly help but I love those gc just as much.

However, I have always, always been made to feel that anything I offer is above and beyond and there are many ongoing checks that this is working for me. I am a gp before I’m a voluntary child care worker and have developed loving relationships with all my gcs regardless of the amount and type of care I may have been able to give at the time it was needed. I would be very hurt to think I was taken for granted to save money and expect my dc to understand life’s stages mean I can’t always do the same for everyone. This doesn’t mean I would love one grandchild less.

It's not an imbalance though. Your nephew was the only GC when your mum started caring for him. Caring for a toddler and a baby at the same time is a completely different scenario it's not comparable. She already had the arrangement before you were even pregnant.

Just because your mum believes babies are better with their mums than in nursery settings doesn't mean she should be obligated to become a childminder for every child in the family. It probably makes her feel very sad that her GC can't be cared for at home full time whilst they are so little so offered to help despite the exhaustion cost to herself. Given her views she probably would love to have all the GC. I think it's unfair to consider her availability for childcare at her age a matter of unequal treatment of her GC.

You could say to your mum "Ah, we've found such a nice nursery, but now it's getting nearer to the time I'm feeling so sad/scared about leaving my baby! I have everything you've said in my head about it being bad for them and I'm so nervous about it. But I have to go back to work, there's no choice in that. I feel awful..." And see what she says! That might force some kind of acknowledgement or conversation about it.

To be clear, I am fully pro nursery! Mine is full time 5 days a week (age 2) and it's wonderful for her - she has been since 18 months, and was 5 half days a week since 10 months. It's bloody expensive but worth every penny, frankly. But even I found it incredibly hard settling her in to start with so some of these feelings will be true. But you'd be over emphasising those feelings to 'agree' with your mum and see if she actually offers an alternative.

Though to be even more clear, I wouldn't accept even if she offers!! Both for your mum's sake - it is absolutely exhausting one-on-one childcare for a toddler even at my age, I can't even imagine at hers - my mother said flat out she couldn't do regular childcare (not that I asked!) but she does ad hoc babysitting from time to time and like yours she is visibly exhausted by it and can't even do certain things like lifting now she's bigger. But also for your sake - you do not need those constant comments! It would drive you mad and spoil your relationship. Plus you need reliability and a standard of care - you only get that by paying. There is a real security in having a full time, paid, professional, reliable childcare and being totally independent. It's invaluable.

My parents have a wonderful relationship with my daughter still, by just seeing her often. We live close - assume you do too. I take her round most weekends and she adores them.

But you could have a 'vulnerable feelings / I agree with you after all' conversation with your mum just to see what is said back and where it gets you. I understand that acknowledgement of the unfairness (even if the same is not actually wanted) would make it better - just to stop it festering as a feeling.

I get why you're upset but I think you're looking at this all wrong.

I dont think your mum isnt mentioning it to you because she doesnt care, I think your mum knows full well if she started banging on about how bad nurseries are that there would be an implied obligation (even if you havent mentioned it) that she needs to step up and help you too.It would basically make HER look bad and a bit of a hypocrite to slag off nursery care and in the same breath refuse to help you.

Basically, I think your mum is feeling knackered and cannot cope with more childcare but she's made an uncomfortable bed for herself with her forceful and judgy views and there is no way she can climb down off her unreasonably high horse without looking like a bit of a twat. Therefore, instead of admitting that, she is simply avoiding it by never mentioning it.

I dont think this is about her not caring about you, I think this is about her own discomfort with her own cognitive dissonance.

I'm a grandmother to one baby DGC for whom I will be providing childcare when DD1 goes back to work. DD1 might have other children, and I also have a DD2 who might have children in the future. The only DGC I have offered childcare for is the one that currently exists. I would always want to be fair, but I can only make future decisions when the time to make them comes, as I don't have the information to make the decision till then, and fairness may look different in different circumstances.

HOWEVER, DD1 and I have talked and talked about how this is going to work. The one thing I find most surprising about the OP, as others have said, is the lack of communication. If you trust someone enough for them to potentially care for your child, why would you not have a whole series of conversations with them and everyone involved about what might be possible, even starting once you know there's a baby on the way, if you're a planner? You don't know what your mum feels about it because you haven't asked her, and she doesn't know what you're thinking because she hasn't asked you. My advice would be to talk to each other, repeatedly!

Quite bluntly, yes.

Your sister was facing paying for 7 weeks (May half term and summer holidays) of childcare she didn't need. Your mum had availablity. She offered, it helped your sister, all is good.

Now the circumstances are different. Your mum is doing two days a week every week. She's finding it a bit much, as you say she's tired and moody. But she has built a relationship with her grandson and it is hard to back away from a commitment you offered willingly at the start.

She no longer has capacity or availability, so she hasn't offered.

I think this does often happen in families.

We are the second set of grandchildren in my DH's family. BIL's kids were school aged by the time ours were born.

SIL, despite being a SAHM, had both her own mother and my MIL round most days looking after her kids when they were little as it was all apparently too much for her.

When PIL retired they took on the school run twice a week, involving an hour's round trip each way.

When ours were born MIL announced to DH that she had no interest in providing any childcare, and had spent so many hours sitting in playgrounds bored out of her mind that she would never step foot in one again. He was rather taken aback as he hadn't asked her to do so!

Anyway, we are now 13 years down the line and despite all that she actually does have a good relationship with our kids. We've put in a lot of effort in that regard. We take her on holiday most years which has mostly been lovely (and sometimes bloody difficult!). We go to stay with her and she comes to stay here. She likes playing board/card games as does DS13 so they have a good bond, and she and DD10 both enjoy sewing.

The relationship will be what you make it and actually taking out any form of duty/obligation may also remove any element of resentment. It also means you can shut down any criticism because you don't need to keep her on side.

Talk to your mum, but think about her too. Young children take a lot of time/energy.

I don't know how old your mum is but my 62yo friend has her grandkids over night once a week at the same time and sometimes during the day at the weekend. She runs a business so helping during the day is not an option. Maybe your mum could babysit versus help cover nursery?

Also, based on age, your mum may be able to have both kids on the same days as your DN will be 3 soon, he'll be due to go to reception at school soon.

I'd be more upset with my sister putting on my mum when it's clearly too much for her. She definitely can't take another baby and I don't think she has to acknowledge that to you. I think it's just circumstances that your sister had her child at a time when your mum had capacity for that arrangement. I know it feels unfair. Similar happened in my family and it's only now I am older I can appreciate this from your mum's perspective. I imagine the time will one when it's too much for her and she will struggle to break the arrangement.

If your mum is already tired and moody after caring for one, she is unlikely to care for two babies well.
I don’t think it’s even fair to ask really. If you pick different days , her whole week is taken up caring for kids which seems unfair.

No good deed goes unpunished indeed.

you said you’ve been clear to your mother that you value nursery for socialisation…. So potentially your mother thinks you would prefer this? Have you ever expressed an opinion that you would value her caring for your baby? How do you really feel about nursery (hypothetical feelings pre baby arriving can be very different to actually leaving baby there - I’ve seen this with myself and so many friends so many your feelings are a bit more complex than you anticipated)?

@OneLovingMoose Is your dad around? Can he do the childcare? What about your FIL?

Saying how are we going to arrange childcare now that Grandma has two children is dickish.

@OneLovingMooseyou say the current arrangement of term time only is too much for your mum, you have booked nursery, you are annoyed your sister got one week of emergency help etc but it’s also not fair.

Essentially you want your ‘share’, but you do not work term time and would require a larger commitment than the one you claim to be concerned about that already exhausts your mother.

it is not a level playing field and your mother can’t be expected to do this endlessly. What if you go on to have more children in 5-10 years, would it be expected then too as your mother ages?

Good grandparents can have wonderful relationships without offering 1000 hours a year childcare.

You have been clear that you value nursery and make comments about her being too tired after childcare, I don’t think I would be offering either.

The thing is it can never be fair. What happens if you and your sister go on to have more children. Is your mum expected to offer two days a week 1:1 for years on end to make things fair and equal?

You can still build close relationships without the need for scheduled childcare.

Put the hurt to one side. Pay for childcare and be thankful that you wont feel in debt to your mum and can do things 'your' own way. It may be a blessing.

I'm seen as 'the capable one' by my family and friends op and I would also be in the same mindset as you. There are some very sound comments on here filled with logical reasons why this might be for the best, and you've also given lots of reasons that explain it, but nevertheless the unfairness of it and the lack of acknowledgement of that would be very obvious to me. It's okay to be feeling that, even if you don't act on it.

Even when I look people in the eye, ask for help and say I'm not coping they usually shrug it off and then months down the line there will be a comment that they had no idea I was struggling so much. Drives me bananas how people hear/see what they want rather than what you're telling them/thinking logically (ie in this scenario where childcare is often sorted out a year or more before it's required).

Exactly - the adult children in this scenario sound like five year olds themselves, whinging over their sibling getting a bigger slice of cake!

It is not double standards - your mum does not owe you childcare. You clearly resent your sister and are dressing this up as talk of bonds which cannot be forced.

Maybe your mum and sister have a different realtionship than you do with her. If your bond with your mum the same as your sister?

Agree your nursery days and move on. Your mum is two years older - maybe the thought of caring for a baby is too much. Maybe ask your husbands mum if she could provide childcare instead? Or maybe just organise the nursery and move on. YABU to dwell on this and overthink it.

If you a really want to ensure your child has a bond with your mum you can always plan things together on your day off, at weekends .. Rather than sit and be sad.

Its not really fair but yes.

I'm an auntie not a grandparent. My brother had a step-child with his ex before they had their own child. They split and brother met a new partner.

That new partner saw everything I carried on doing for the step-child who I still very much loved and considered my first neice/nephew. Honestly, by the time new partner had her own child with my brother, my life was in a different place and I was much less involved. I know new partner resented that but its just the way life worked out.