AIBU to feel a bit hurt about childcare differences between grandchildren?

I think you will read this post back to yourself in years to come and be scarlet with embarrassment at your sense of entitlement to your mother’s time and energy. You’re behaving like a five year old being afraid someone else is getting a bigger slice of birthday cake.

So you want your mum to effectively drop her current arrangements to look after your child instead. That's very entitled.

You aren't being unreasonable but you know what? With how her attitude is about it, you are better off. But it's hurtful when things are similar for siblings or even acknowledged. We have this as well with in-laws. They did childcare for SIL and still now years later do an after-school pickup at least once a week and I remember MIL being so adamant about wanting to do this when the time came for the child to start school. My kids don't get offered this and they would absolutely adore it. Granted they do help out with one of mine during school holidays (one is still at nursery, not sure if they will still offer when he's started school). But the disparity is really frustrating and the favouritism is very obvious to me. So I get it, you are right to be annoyed.

I don't even understand this. You want the 'same' relationship but it's a completely different context. When your mother made this offer to your sister, she was in her mid-60s and now she's in her late 60s. Your sister's child was her first grandchild (?) and you say your mum has struggled. Now this will be a second grandchild (?) after a few years of being a caregiver and that will have taken a toll, but you want her to approach it as if this hasn't happened and she won't be in her early 70s? I'm also unclear, given that your sister is a teacher, whether your mum has her child year round or only for the 39 weeks per year that she works, and whether you're looking for 39 weeks or 48 to cover the average work pattern? In other words, 'while I'm at work' may have two different realities.

I mean the solution, in terms of the relationship, is quite obvious. Instead of thinking about childcare, consider spending 1 day a week with your baby and your mum. This won't save you money but it would achieve the goal of ensuring a close bond.

Yes , I think it has to be otherwise your DM could be looking after your children for most of her retirement

It could be due to a lot of things and the only way to know is go ask and speak about it. For instance as you've talked so much about nursery she may think you don't want the help. She might not have even thought about it yet. She might feel at capacity and not want too. She might be reluctant to change the number of days she has your nephew as the childcare arrangement is longstanding.

There's no point in letting it go without checking with her especially as it will breed resentment.

I am saying this gently …

if you were my mate and said all that to my face id stop you and point out that thats a lot if whining over something that is all in your head

you haven’t used your voice to express your thoughts to your mum or sister yet , but you are upset about something they haven’t actually done !!!

you even told your mum the childcare was all sorted but are now upset shes not arranging childcare with you now …. Come on !!! Wobble that head a bit

hopefully your mum will offer you lots of one off and weekend break type of childcare which is invaluable and you can feel less aggrieved

seriously i am not dismissing your issue you have a point regarding fairness but just speak up a bit and get it sorted

I would feel just as you do, OP. We have lots of family support, but my husband and I talk sometimes about how his sibling may miss out on the amazing support we’ve received because of aging grandparents. The GP will offer the same I’m sure, but practically are able to do less, and we will naturally step aside in our use of family childcare should a niece or nephew come along. My husband and I have even considered whether we would give some money to his sibling to ‘even things up’ if family childcare couldn’t be given.

so I’m surprised particularly that your sister hasn’t spoken to you about it, and her plans at all. I’d raise it, because the bond our kids have with GPs is amazing and extremely beneficial to them, and I think anything that you perceive disadvantages your child, will fester like no other slight has done before.

People who rely on family a lot for childcare often are oblivious or just dont care that its to much for some grandparents.

I think you would better of with your little one in a good nursery. Your mum is critical of nursery, struggling already with a toddler ans snappy because of it. Do you really want your child in this situation long term? Believe me i know its hurtful when certain family members get lots of help whilst others struggle on and pay a fortune. MIL is like this but its just enabled a situation of poor parenting.

As someone else who had a brother that was the golden child and whose children were the golden grandchildren you have my sympathies. Every time my children or my sister’s children had done something her other grandchildren had always done better.
My sister and I certainly blame our parents and not our brother.
This is one very many reasons that both my sister and I are LC with our mother who is late 90s. We visit about twice a year and our children never visit her.
This is why I am so careful to be fair and equal with my children/grandchildren.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt. Honestly there is not much you can do about it.
I expect your mum slightly regrets that she is now locked in for childcare. Also, your sister is a teacher so I'm assuming that no child care is required in the holidays?
Views on nursery are often held by people who do not need to use them. My family had similar views but they somehow thought I could afford to give up work until all kids were in school at least. I think this is quite an old fashioned view of how to earn money and build a career, even a fairly modest one.

This is definitely the way to go.

Might she want a monthly grandma day? My parents do a Saturday afternoon post kids classes pick up and I collect the girls Sunday evening about once a Monty. It’s amazing for us as we get a night off together/a day for jobs or getting out to do something the kids would not like. It’s nice for my parents as on the Saturday, having already done a structured activity kids are very happy to play in the garden, help out with some baking or play a board game and then on the Sunday they have a day to do activities. Overnight may not be manageable with a baby/toddler but they might be willing for you to drop off say lunchtime and collect in the evening and you could then get a late lunch/early dinner and a nice walk, check out a theatre/cinema matinee, wander round a gallery or museum, shop or just have a day you can get through jobs.
Alternatively is there an option where your child does a shorter nursery day once a week and your parents have them 3-6 ish and take them to a baby cafe type thing or a walk and play at park in nice weather then stick around and have tea with you so you can catch up and have an evening a week both you and OH get to eat without juggling a baby?
They may really appreciate ideas for being involved without having to do regular weekly care and you may find that easier too.

Your mum thinks that you are hellbent on nursery and that's why she hasn't offered.

Travelling and looking after grandchildren are not mutually exclusive.
Our grandchildren’s other GP’s do extra when we are away and we do extra while they are away. If we are both away then our children take leave or our grandchildren go into after school club.
Most things are possible with an organised timetable.
You can also have a social life.
The only things you need to consider are if you want to do it and if you have the energy.
People age differently.

How about mentioning ‘offhand’ to your mum that you’ve already been asked to register your child at nursery for next year, you’ve provisionally signed up for four days with you doing the fifth, but if she would like a regular slot with the new grandchild you’d be happy to facilitate that? Tell her by when you’d need to know so another family could take the extra day/s - there seems to be the demand there at the nursery.

Then leave the ball in her court.

You're being unreasonable. It sounds like your mum already has her hands full and wouldn't be able to take on more. It's unfortunate for you that she has this commitment already but it's the way it is. When she committed to it he was the only grandchild to worry about.
I'm not sure what you really want because you can't think it's ok for your mum to change her routine with your nephew surely. That would be very unfair.
You say you just want acknowledgement but why when you can see the why quite clearly for yourself.
You just need to accept that your mum is already doing as much (maybe more) than she's capable of.

@OneLovingMoose to answer your question more directly.

'AIBU to feel hurt by this, or am I overthinking it?'

Yes overthinking a bit, not much though. I understand that you'd like/need some acknowledgment. But here's the thing: you know your mum is strong minded about nurseries, stepped up a couple of years ago etc.

At this stage, she's battling her principles & early promises, she's bearing the honourable brunt of this.

She may say something, she may not.

Reflect upon if your need for acknowledgement is a pattern in your relationship with your mother, & how she may relate to your sister through their similar styles. Chalk & cheese comes to mind. It's not deep, I'm saying that you may be having familiar feelings that are heightened by your baby & a new actor in the 'family play'. All this is absolutely normal.

Your overall family is changing with the babies & next generation coming through.

So maybe when your mum is crabby after childcare duties, has yet another toddler bug, it's the moment for you to change the tune by doing it differently - less discussion & waiting for acknowledgement, maybe more tea (literally), sympathy & helping her manage everyday stuff. An unexpected loving hug goes a long way.

Things are changing, you've not yet seen it with your own eyes.

Your baby is little, your mum needs time to build a bond with her and see if she could manage looking after her alongside her cousin. Also, childcare is very different now. When my children were small you didn’t need to think about nursery spaces this early. I only know now because I work in a nursery.

It is unfair but I think your child would be better in kindergarten. Kindergarten was brilliant for my DS and each stage was easier with their help.

My DF helped a lot but taking care of a small child all day for two or three days is a lot and I wanted my DF to enjoy his retirement. He still had my DS on the odd day. My DM like yours was incredulous that I would put my DS onto kindergarten as she "couldn't believe I was leaving him with strangers". She never once babysat though.

I think that's just a fact of life that grandparents can't always be as close to all their grandchildren. My MIL has 7 grandchildren and she is closest to the eldest two who she looked after 2 days a week for years. She isn't as close to my two (as we live further away, and looking after the first two burnt her out more than she'll ever admit), but it's impossible to make things exactly equal/fair, etc. etc. I just value the relationship they do have. I'd just plan what works for you and crack on. For what it's worth, my two have both gone to nursery and they have a fab time.

Beloved little blister.😂

I've not read the full thread but taking a bird's eye view of what I have picked...

You've not mentioned your mum's age & general health. Although she may be hale & hearty, our (OK, me & my mates) energy reserves drain far faster than say five years ago & this awkward fact takes a while to sink in & then to accept. So there's a lag between doing what we always did as & when we fancied to the realisation that we have limits on how much we can charge about. Impatience & irritability may occur.

I imagine your mum is paddling in these waters. Loves the grandchildren, stepped up briskly a couple of years ago to offer childcare & now finds that she is more knackered than she expected & the beloved little blister brings every nursery bug round with their toys & juice box.

Do not be surprised that by the time your baby is in daycare that your mum is muttering about or reducing the current childcare offer to your sister.

As you wisely acknowledge your mother & sister share a different approach, more short term than your preferences.

Your foresight places you well to be diplomatic & independent whilst your mother & sister work out a compromise.

All easy and short term stuff then? It seems a very different standard than you're holding your mother to.

Of course it feels unfair that the first born gets more time with the grandparents - I think it's like that in most families. Your mum was younger - also more excited about the first one - which is human nature and not personal to you.
I'm guessing your mum regrets being so vocal about nursery given she now has to do 2 days of childcare and the dgc goes to nursery anyway.
She can believe nursery is not the best choice and still not step in to make that better, it's not an ideal world people have to make compromises. I can see why she hasn't had the conversation with you - what she doesn't say/acknowledge - isn't happening - to acknowledge that she can't spend as much time with your dc as she does with your nephew will make her feel pretty bad and the only way to resolve this is to look after your dc - which she is clearly not fit to do.

I think your sister is also in denial - she is putting her financial needs ahead of your mum's health and happiness by ignoring the toll of 2 days childcare is having on your mum.
I think if your mum was honest - she'd say no to childcare for you both but that's going to cause all sorts of ructions.