How can I stop my eight-year-old hiding soiled bedtime pants?

Of his dad is shouting at him it’s probably compound g the problem. If he’s withholding at his dad’s due to fear the result will be more constipation and more overflow at yours. Therefore more hiding.

Agree with bin in his room. Check each day his pants are in there and a simple “when you out your pants in the bin we can do X” daily will probably help him get into the routine of just doing it without becoming a “thing”.

But I agree with the above poster you need to find a middle ground between being laid back (yes it’s medical and he can’t help it) and accepting the soiled pants but making it abundantly clear hiding them around the house isn’t acceptable.

This was my thought too.

Why aren't you going in, in the morning and asking where pants are from nighttime? Surely he has to shower every morning so the first thing of the day is 1) wheres the pants, 2) in the shower.

If hes hiding the pants, you need to be a bit firmer and say that he is not to do this! Soiling isn't shameful, but hiding pants is. He needs to have a bin in his room, so he can pop pants in and you need to check it regularly.

When I was a kid I used to hide school lunches I didn’t eat, in random places. I knew that my parents had strong and layered emotional responses to my not eating lunch and hiding them was both a way of avoiding a potentially heavy conversation, but also the physical action of hiding helped me push the complicated feelings out of my mind. It was denial taking a physical form.

Sometimes kids do weird stuff for reasons they don’t understand.

Do you have a routine for tidying and cleaning up? I’d just do a low key 10 minute tidy round together every evening and have him take any to the bin that turn up. If you want you can just be matter of fact about it because even that small extra physical effort will eventually reprogramme his brain to do it the first time if he’s going to be doing it later anyway.

Bit left field here - is he hiding them at your house to establish where ‘good’ hiding places are for when he’s at his dad’s?

For example - he hides them in a cupboard at yours and it takes you say a day to find them. He hides them behind the sofa and it takes you 10 minutes to find them. Therefore (trying to think like an 8 year old might) hiding them in a cupboard at dad’s is the better option and he might well be back at your’s by the time his dad finds them, so he won’t get shouted at.

I hope this is resolved soon, it must be very upsetting for him. I also hope his dad grows up and learns how to deal with it much better.

He’s hiding them because his dad is shouting at him. 1 negative response outweighs 20 positive responses. I would not allow any overnight stays at his dads. Your child is being bullied every night he stays there.

Having conversations are not going to offset the fear, stress, panic and humiliation he gets every night he spends at his dads.

He needs to only sleep at home with you.

I would say he's highly embarrassed by the situation.

Like the PP said, put a bin in his room, so he can get it out of sight asap. And promise him you're working on getting this medical issue sorted out for him, so this situation won't be forever.

My DS had similar issues.

@CareHomeWorries he WILL grow out of it! It’s not a purely physical thing, there’s psychological stuff going on too.

your ex has caused some of this hiding business, there’s not much you can do there, but try to build his confidence at yours and reassure him.

in the end I paid my DS for every poo in the loo. It was the only thing that worked as an incentive

got a jar and every time he pooed in the loo he got £1.

he took it on holiday with him and spent it on anything and everything he wanted to buy. Had about £70 iirc.

Special bin in his room to put pants every day, dirty or not. You do the sorting, not him, that way.

Agree. It’s obviously not his fault he’s soiling , but he needs to dispose of the pants properly.
Send some nappy bags to his Dads.

I agree. It’s not related to being grown up or not, and it may make him worse if he thinks he’s not “grown up” enough to control it.

bin by his bed, you empty it every day. Make it as discreet and as non-issue as you can.

This kind of thing sounds the best advice. Definitely a bin and bags in his room. Does he have siblings that he tries to hide it from.

I had similar issues with my son who has a diagnosis of ASD. He stopped doing it after we had a long chat and we agreed that he would put them straight into the washing machine so that no one would see his accident and he also has a shower so I usually know what's happened but don't draw attention to it.

He's been shouted at by dad...that probably hasn't helped at all

My autistic 7 year old poos in his pull ups from time to time s flatly denies it...

Why isn’t he being told off? That’s your problem right there. While he can’t help the incontinence issue he certainly can help the hygiene issue! He needs to be made to clean it up himself. Come on op, he’s 8 not 3!

If he's hiding them because he's embarrassed, can you have a specific bin for it and tell him, if you put pants in this bin I will know you don't want to talk about it, so I will just clean them and not say anything. So he really knows it's safe to put them there?

In addition anything you can do unrelated to boost his confidence and self esteem is really important.

Oh that is sad that his dad shouts at him. Is there a way to agree no over nights with dad until this is sorted?

I would have an honest conversation with your son. Tell him that it is wrong that dad gets cross and you are sorry that is happening but in your home he is safe and loved and pants don't need to be hidden. I agree a bin in his bedroom may be good. In the morning if there is no pants in there just simply say "Can you fetch your pants and put them in the bin please" and let him go retrieve them from wherever they have been hidden. If you find a hidden pair just say "XX your pants are under the sofa can you pop them in the bin please".

Please don't do this. While well-meaning it just brings more shame by implying his behaviour is babyish and isn't 'grown-up'. He's already ashamed and avoidant, talking to him about being grown-up will make it even worse.

I would put a lidded bin in his room and buy a waterproof bag for his stays at his Dad’s house.

Then he never ever needs to discuss this with his (dreadful) father and can just safely bring them home to dispose of.

Yeah. This one is absolutely his father's fault. How often is he going there?

But I think I'd put a bin in his room regardless as maybe that would reset it a bit. My daughter (ND) had a rough time with hygiene around her period but a bin in her room with a lid helped a lot.

His dad needs a kick up the arse.
Failing that, can you drag him to talk to the consultant to hear from the horse's mouth that he cannot help it.

This is why. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.