AIBU dh smoking

I get it. But the fact is he smokes. That wouldn't make me love someone any less personally. He shouldn't need to sneak about and lie about it. He obviously felt the need to as he knows you don't like it. That obviously was the wrong decision on his part.

But for me it wouldn't be something I'd end a long term relationship over.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and this is coming from a now ex smoker who gave up after 37 years but hated that it had me hooked for at least the last decade of that. Really really tough but I had to do it primarily because it is at the end of the day one of the most selfish addictions. In the end I did the Allen Carr online seminar and thank goodness I did.

YABU in the sense that you didn't enforce your boundary. You've sucked up his crap about it and carried on. You are the wife to be feared and everyone will cover for him from your abusive control.

Your only choices are to suck it up or leave.

That's it. He's not going to stop. He was to want it for himself.

I've put YABU but not because I'm taking his side. You are absolutely reasonable to not want to be with a smoker, but you chose to marry and have children with him. This is what happens. He isn't going to change, and his family enable him so your only choice is divorce.

It might be an addiction, but his family are actually feeding this addiction!

So I guess the only solution is no contact with his family whatsoever, as that's the only way he will be able to beat the addiction.

You made it clear from the start that you hate smoking, and made it very clear that you were happy to walk away from the relationship if he felt the smoking was important to him. He chose to not smoke.

So addiction or not, he needs to make a choice. You and the kids, or his mother and cigarettes.

He comes from a horrible emotionally manipulative family who are all enmeshed.

lying is normal for him because that’s the culture he was raised in. His family seem to think accountability is optional.

Addiction is addiction (often found in people with ADHD but not exclusively), even thought cigarettes seem less harmful than alcohol or hard drugs.

he says he will stop not because he means it, but because he needs you to stop asking him to do something he can’t do. His brain sees the short-term solution - if he says yes to your request, then you stop pestering his brain with the request. You hear, “yes I will stop smoking. I understand why I must.” But his intention is simply to protect his immediate wellbeing which can’t cope with the idea of his brain even knowing what to do to stop and be consistent.

i think your only option is to end the relationship. You will not change him. He clearly has massive issues with even knowing how to stop. His family approve of his behaviour so he has absolutely no example of accountability.

Deal breaker for me. I’d be ending the marriage over this.

Smoking is absolutely revolting. My husband smoked when we first met, and he knew my feelings. Gave up then and when he did, he never smoked around me. He can’t believe he ever did it

It feels a bit OTT the way you seem so angry with him about smoking. Plenty of people smoke. It's not healthy and it's expensive but it's not illegal. It's not like it's mind altering or makes you act like an arsehole.

Some people really struggle to give up, no matter how much they try. He's not doing it to piss you off.

I honestly think you just have to either accept it's just a personal habit that while not great, isn't the end of the world. Or you leave him.

DH used to smoke, never in the house but he always smelt of it. I was suffering from chronic sinusitis and it wasn't until I saw an ENT Consultant that he asked if I or my partner smoked... so DH was banned from the bedroom overnight and packed off to the spare room. In under a month I was breathing clearly and able to come off antibiotics for the first time in years, and I made it very clear that he was staying there if he chose to carry on smoking. I was furious that his habit was making ME unwell and thankfully he opted to give up rather than sleep alone for the rest of our marriage! It's a revolting habit and you're well within your rights to say you don't want to be married to a smoker.

You're still plenty young enough to build a new life, possibly meet someone else op.

Alternatively you can stay and resign yourself to probably being his nursemaid as he loses the ability to breathe through COPD or lobectomy's or worse.

I agree with the pp, he knows he's he able to just ignore you and doesn't give a fuck. You've given him no reason to listen. He's put your wishes at the bottom of the pile and will carry on doing so.

If you kick him out, you don't do so because of 'a few cigarettes'. You do so because of his repeated lying to you and the fact that he's not stuck to the agreements made in marriage counselling. The arguements, the upset and the irreconcilable differences.

For some time I have been pondering the way we differentiate between addiction to drugs, alcoholism and smoking. They are all substance abuse and all very hard to quit. We say people are a recovering alcoholic, acknowledging that they will always be an alcoholic whether they drink again or not. But we don’t say the same about nicotine and other drugs. We also know that nothing will induce an addict to quit other than their own unwavering desire to do so.

I think it’s fair to say that someone who has stopped smoking is a recovering smoker. As with alcoholics, there is a chance they will relapse every day and the events of some days are more likely to make that happen. Their promises carry no more weight than an alcoholic’s.

If you see any truth in that, then maybe you can adjust your expectations or decide your relationship is over.

His Mother is trying to manipulate you! His family sound awful.

Only you can decide if you can learn to live with having a partner who smokes. It would bother me but also the years of lies would
bother me.

I don’t think you are unreasonable if you choose to leave the relationship over this.

Living with a smoker is really bad for your children and puts them at risk of respiratory illnesses. This is the case even if he doesn't smoke in the house as it will be on his clothes, skin and hair.

I've just looked at the price of 20 cigarettes and the prices range from £13.50 to £19.50 for a pack of 20. If he smokes 20 a day, he could be spending nearly £140 per week on cigarettes. The smell is disgusting and I assume you share a bed with him.

It would be a total deal-breaker for me. He needs to stop smoking or move out.

YANBU, but you have shown him you will tolerate it - years of slip ups and probably accurate suspicions and vaping – so there is no incentive for him to change, no consequences for disregarding your boundaries so profoundly. All he knows is that he can have his cake and eat it too.

I also could not be with a smoker. I don’t know what I’d do in your position, because it’s never as simple as LTB, is it? However, do bear in mind that the resentment will eat you up across the years. Sounds like it already is. That’s not a marriage, that’s an arrangement.

Addictions and lying are two sides of the same coin. For every lie he's told you about smoking he'll have told himself a hundred. "I'm just having a stressful time at the moment", "I'll stop after Christmas", "I'll make this pack last two days", "ok I'll make the next pack last two days", "if I vape and smoke at the same time then I'll wean myself off the cigarettes over the next few weeks"...

Fish live in water, koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, addicts lie about their addictions. It's just what they do. He's not smoking because he's chosen cigarettes over you, he's smoking because he's chosen cigarettes over himself.

are you so wealthy that your kids wouldn’t benefit from £20 a day? I feel he’s lied to you and has been supported by his family in doing that. I’d find it difficult to get over that.

You have the softest "hard line" I've ever heard of

He knows your threats are completely empty and can be safely ignored