AIBU dh smoking

I feel sorry you are being forced to tolerate the stink from a smoker. He shouldn't be subjecting you to this when you have made it clear you hate it. I loathe walking past people who are smoking outside bars & restaurants. Betwee that & the stink of marujana floating around in many areas it gets to the stage you literally have to go inside for fresh air.

I'd give him an ultinatum, get help to stop or we are over.

Smoking is vile. I’m sorry for you OP, I couldn’t be near anyone who smoked.
This would be a red line for me, and marriage ending, although I don’t underestimate how awful it is to have to blow up your life to get rid of him.

I would leave, yeah. My mum had 2 smoking related cancers and I grew up with smoke hanging in layers in our lounge - we never had any luxuries but there was always money for fags.

On regards to your friends situations and your own, you need to decide how much your boundary means to you!

Doesn't matter what other people think. Some people will say in grand scheme of things its not the worst thing in the world, it could be gambling, sex workers whatever.....its what your hard lines/boundaries are. It and I suspect more so the lying is what is the biggest factor. If he was truthful, could you accept it more?

Smoking would be a deal-breaker for me op.

His family tell you that you're being controlling? How about he's hidden this from you for years and HIS choices are now destroying YOUR relationship.

At best his intentions at the start were good, but now he's a full-blown smoker, spunking 15 quid a pack of family money and doesn't give a shit about your very valid feelings around smoking.

Your call. If it's a deal-breaker for you, where's your boundaries? Folk may joke that 'you broke up a family over a few ciggies' but you know it's much, much deeper than that.

Health issues aside (almost impossible to do that with your family history as it is), £15 a day on a 20-a-day habit is over £5k a year. Just let that sink in... What could you and your family do with that kind of cash op? Instead of it literally being burned?

Edited to add - just seen that a pack of silk cut is nearly £20 in Morrisons. That's over £7000 a year, up in smoke...

It’s not really the smoking. It is disgusting, expensive and life threatening. But it’s the disrespect of your feelings and the gaslighting. Putting his addiction and his family first.
it is an intense addiction and you agreed a liveable compromise with the vaping.
I understand you don’t want to blow your and your kids’ lives up. His disregard for your feelings over this and his family though are unacceptable and it is time, at least, for you to draw firm boundaries. That isn’t controlling and don’t be gaslit by people who say it is.

I’m with you and I’d really consider the marriage!

I have a real loathing about smoking!

This is a really common feeling when you are married to someone who is part of an enmeshed family. It’s kind of like triangulation. 3 points of the triangle: him, you and his family. You feel like the odd one out because he and his family are normalising behaviour which is completely unacceptable. The triangle is very unbalanced, leaving you feeling isolated, so you start to worry theres something wrong with you.

i worked through this kind of thing with my DH but it was not as extreme as your situation. And we made progress mainly because my in laws live in a different continent. Spending time with my family showed him what “normal” behaviour is, and how respect and communication work even when there is an issue to resolve.

had it not been for the distance of another continent and the attitude of my family then my DH would still be emotionally controlled by his dysfunctional family. My DH did not have anything of the level of enmeshment you are experiencing, though.

i am worried about you OP. I think you are in a very difficult situation.

Has he actually asked for medical advice re the oxygen dropping? He is potentially already experiencing health issues from his smoking. I’d want him seen quickly and that might be a jolt for him to take quitting more seriously. If he’s already damaged his lungs, your decision making paths might be quite different.

I’d be worried that he’d start slipping into habits that would harm you and the children’s health. I wouldn’t have had children with a smoker in the first place so that bridge has been crossed but you are likely to need some significant support if your marriage is going to continue if you’re essentially repulsed by the smell of smoke and he’s not trying very hard to disguise it. It’s down to you really to know what you want deep down.

I can see both sides tbh and I'm a smoker myself.

Is he actually full on smoking or vaping and having sneaky ones at work? I think in his defence the vaping was the compromise which, if it were me being you, id have also accepted.

Im sure there will be loads saying hes selfish, choosing fags over you etc but the harsh reality is, smoking is an addiction and therefor an illness. He needs to want to give up, not just say oh I will stop monday.

My ex used to infuriate me banging on about my smoking all the time, I smoked when I met him and he would go on and on about cost (I was using my own money) and would gas light me saying Id said id stop.... I never, and the more he went on, the more I dug my heels in.

I completely understand your health fears but I also get his side too. I think if it is a hard line for you, you need to stand by your words and split up. He will continue to hide it. Or you make piece with it and agree (in fact probably wouldnt tell him this part, it only happens outside the home). Going on about it constantly is controlling but him lying about it is also unacceptable.

So you need to make a choice on either backing off and accepting his addiction or leaving.

Why can you not see he's lying to you?

Does you have a spare bedroom or any other room you can turn into your bedroom?

If you don't want to break your kids family over it you can still end your relationship. Take a separate bedroom, stop kissing him or having sex, if he whines say "why would I want you anywhere near me when you stink and taste disgusting?" Stop doing things for him, he can't even tell you the truth. If you eat as a family then still serve him a plate. But he can wash his fag smelling clothes himself.

Sweep the fagbuts up and put them in his bed. Or on his bedside table. They're not yours to clean up. If he wants them putting in the bin he needs to put them in the bin.

Or just carry on being the mug, have him slowly but surely break him promise even more. You'll find the kitchen smelling of fags then the living room. By the time the kids move out there'll be an ashtray in your living room. Then you can nurse him through lung cancer while he still secretly smokes. Then you can finally be an old lady alone in a nice smelling house again.

A boundary only exists if there are consequences for crossing it. I feel the same way as you. A parent smoking directly increases a child’s risk of cancer and lung issues. Even if it’s only outside, they get exposed.

For me it would be the absolute lack of any respect that he must have for you, to lie to your face for years repeatedly. What else does he lie about just to have an easy life, is what I would be asking myself if I were you.

I’m really annoyed on your behalf. As you say, it’s not just the smoking, it’s the lying.

I grew up with two parents who smoked and I always hated it, the smell made me feel sick. I watched my father die of a lung condition (not smoking related) aged 51 and he still tried to smoke. (I was 11 years old when he died). My mother gave up smoking aged 60 after having smoked since 14 because one night she couldn't breathe when she had a heavy cold, had to sit up all night. She just stopped overnight which I never ever thought I would see. I am amazed she did that!
My husband smoked (socially) when we met (his mother smoked) and I told him I hated it and would not marry him if he smoked. He gave up and has had one cigarette in 42 years of marriage. For me personally it's non negotiable. I detest smoking and that is my choice, I don't judge anyone who smokes but they are not doing it around me.

What a cow she is.

I’d also divorce him. I don’t want my children living full time with a smoker. It’s foul.

I really relate to this. When before DH became my boyfriend I told him I would not be with a smoker.

He quit for about a year then went back. He didn't smoke near me or anything so yes I married him.

He promised he would quit before we had children, 2 children in and he still smokes. It really annoys me,. He smokes outside but smells of it whenever he walks into a room. It is very off putting.

LTB I think is way too big a leap but that is how I feel about it.

Interesting to hear about the sleeping thing from others though.

It is an addiction.
One that patches, discipline, self control and hypnotherapy can pretty easily get rid of. It's lazy