AIBU dh smoking

So he was smoking when you started talking? You see for me it’s easy. I see a guy and I think he’s handsome or I think he’s a nice guy. The moment I know he’s a smoker cards are off the table. It’s an absolute no go. So no, I wouldn’t have even started dating him.

Three things I have gotten from comment:

1. You don't want to be a single mum, understandable... but do you want your kids to grow up thinking it's OK to smoke? Do you want them around a smoker full time? I understand if you split, he'd smoke wherever he went to live but the kids would likely be with you majority of the time.

1. You sleep on the sofa for a year... why? Are there other marital issues? Do your kids not question this? Sleeping on a sofa permanently isn't healthy.

1. You can play Uno with one less player...!

I'm sure there's loads of nuance I don't appreciate, there's bound to be.

How did the Giving Up go, how did he go about it, and at what point did you decide it had worked so you'd start a relationshp with him? It would be tricky to put it down overnight because of an external influence and never be tempted again, especially being surrounded by a family of smokers.

I would feel the same about being married to an alcoholic, but there is zero chance I would marry someone who had been drinking daily since the age of 11, and came from a family of alcoholics, knowing what little I do about addiction, as the chance of stopping overnight without some serious professional back up without relapse would be close to nil.

Sympathy, OP, I think it's really tough. I would hate it in your situation too.

I don't think it's helpful to frame it as gaslighting. That's a deliberate attempt to mess with your head. This is just straightforward lying, possibly coupled with a bit of lying to himself about how he'll be able to give up. But the stuff is very addictive and here he is.

Yes, you are being controlling, but not in an unreasonable way. You were very up front and he had a choice. And it's perfectly reasonable to be upset about the ongoing lying. And the way he's stopped making an effort.

On the money side, do you each have your own fun money? Would this be an option? Seeing the cigarettes take a significant chunk out of that might focus the mind. And it takes away your resentment of 'he's spending money we could use to do X with'.

At each of the first two points. After kids, I would have given him an ultimatum and a chance to stop, then I would have left him.

When you knew he was a smoker from 11 and he came from a family of smokers

More fool you. You knew exactly what you were marrying into. Smoking at 11, a family of smokers so it’s really not a surprise. I think you either accept this is part of your life or leave.

Was he smoking when you dated?

I think you’re more upset with yourself than you are with him. There were so many signs in the past that you chose to ignore, despite your hardline. You can’t do anything about the past but you certainly can do something about the future.

Your DH breaking up your family over smoking, selling the house, two homes for the kids, a whole new life - yes, it’s all scary, but there are also scarier things out there. As someone who hates smoking, I would include the impact of smoking on your home and your DH’s health in the “scarier” category

Yeah I wouldn’t have stayed with him, not a hope in hell. It’s a huge turn off…so I don’t understand why you did tbh.

I doubt it. I don’t suppose they’ve given you a thought.

Why would anyone start smoking twenty years after they had given up? I don't find that a reasonable scenario?
And to answer your question, no I could not tolerate being married to a smoker, so if my husband did start smoking again he would be gone.

What ages are your children?
What do they think of their farther smoking?
Are you concerned that their father smoking will affect their health?
Will your children grow up to think that smoking is normal and become smokers themselves?

I’m sorry, but I think you had your head in the sand. He was a smoker,end of, if it was a dealbreaker for you then you would’ve walked away. It’s not for him to be given the ultimatum, it’s for you to make the decision. You made your decision and you stayed.

I can see both sides of this, and I know I'm in the minority.

Yes, you find it disgusting, you have lost family to it, it's gross and it's affecting his health and his bank balance and it's winding you up, he's lying, and he's secretive, and this is harming your relationship. It's bad for the children, they'll find out, it's not a good role model. All of these things are true.

And.

in the initial talking to each other stages I told him I did not want to date a smoker. It was a hard line for me and I couldn't be with a smoker.

It might have been a hard line for you, but you didn't make choices that backed that up. He told you he was thinking about giving up, this was probably true. Most smokers think about giving up and try repeatedly, often their whole lives to give up. He may have read into the situation that he was a smoker, you were interested in him, so your line wasn't as hard as you made it out to be.

He's not ready to give up, and that is the bottom line. He doesn't want to. Addicts lie. He's been using an addictive substance since he was 11.

You can ultimately do whatever you want, you don't have to stay with him, but you married a smoker. And here you are.

Well using family money to buy them isn't on, that should be questioned imo. I have always had my own money for spends and thats what I use to buy mine. If I run out, thats on me.

Honestly, I don’t understand why you married him and why you had children with him. You clearly don’t mean what you say, otherwise why did you go along with it all? You know he smokes yet you still went ahead with everything you said you wouldn’t do. I’m not saying it’s your fault. He lied. But I guess if I was him, I would think that you would never follow through because in the past you haven’t either.