AIBU dh smoking

So dramatic.

The thing is op, a vice like smoking is just like alcohol, drugs, bad habits in general. If there’s a stressful situation then there’s an excellent risk of relapse.
He started at 11, he comes from a family of smokers. that is all you needed to know

you don’t need to know during the marriage, isolated instances and anything else. You knew before. Someone with his background and what did you expect. A child of 11 smoking, is that normal to you? It is to him. That’s just how he is wired. And he has a family of support behind that. You have lost the battle. I would just already decide what it is you want, rather than trying to change him. He won’t. That’s the first step.

He’s been smoking since he was 11 😱😱😱

Jesus, his organs must be destroyed.

My friend took the soft-line like you OP, she hated her DP smoking and said she’d leave him if he didn’t quit, but stayed. Now, due to illness caused by smoking, he’s unable to work, drive or contribute meaningfully to family life at all and has a 5ish yr lifespan left, for which my friend is going to have to be his carer and raise their two kids without any real physical help from him.

She feels too guilty to leave him now, despite him having brought this illness on himself and is juggling young kids, being the sole financial provider, caring for her DP and aging parents. She’s aged a decade in the last year and I genuinely think the stress, pressure, lack of support and lack of money is killing her.

His smoking has ruined both of their lives and it’s horrible to witness. He has said that he thought the nasty warnings and photos on the side of fag packets were exaggerated and not real 🙄 but they are exactly what his internal organs look like now 😞

I took a look, and I actually remember reading that thread at the time. But neither post really give any reason for why you have been sleeping on a sofa for a year... which in my opinion would be a marital issue.

The general consensus might be that most people wouldn't have been so naive to think he would quit smoking etc but that's neither here nor there anymore. You have an issue NOW with the smoking / level of smoking and the years of built up deceit.

You need to make decisions and plans as to what you are going to do NOW. He clearly is a man who does whatever he wants (that's clearly from both your threads)... I am not saying you need to change the locks today but you need to decide to either make peace with the fact that this is who he is and he isn't going to change or decide that you deserve better (which you do) and make plans to set the wheels in motion. I would recommend a womens aid charity or similar who can help steer you in the direction of what to start gathering etc should you decide to leave.

I gave up smoking many years ago.

You can only give it up if you really want to and I did. I'd got to the stage of no longer enjoying a fag, it was just a habit, so it was pointless; I was also concerned about future health. When I had made up my mind to stop, I stopped and it was remarkably easy,

No amount of pressure or blackmail would have made me stop smoking before I was ready, people either accepted me as a smoker or not, I didn't care. In fact I wanted to smoke all the more! I could not go to sleep at night if I had run out of cigarettes, had to know there was at least one for the morning.

I've certainly been healthier since giving up and am glad I did. However I have no objection to others smoking, the smell does not bother me. Hardly anyone does nowadays anyway!

Here you are @OneTwinklyBird💐

I think there are a couple of things here; yes, he has been smoking all along, aided by his family who have helped him hide this from you. If they are smokers too they will be 'on his side'. This is pretty sad really, and like you I would feel foolish and angry that they had been doing this.
However, you are where you are and unless you really want to burn it all down you will probably have to find a way of coming to terms with this. I can only suggest you have a couple of sessions of counselling or mediation to allow you to actually express your anger, and also to decide just how you want to move forward.
I have to add this was how my family life was. My lovely Dad just could not quit despite promises and big occasions (new house, cancer scares, births of grandchildren) where he would swear he would quit. But he never did, he would always gradually go back; one of us would catch him and there would be tears and rows. But he smoked until the end of his life, and yes I did watch him kill himself with cigarettes. What a stupid waste, and a horrible end to his life. Maybe you could tell your OH that you don't want that for your children.
I wish you all the best whatever way it goes. xxx

I apologise, my post was too much

Sorry but this is not the time for - 'oh woe is me.' It's not your fault however you should take accoutability for the decisions you have made so far in your life. It's not your husband's fault that you are married to a smoker. That's like saying you have no autonomy in your life

I couldn’t kiss a smoker.

I don't think it is your fault. He has done this.

He's a liar and been lying for a long time, and smoking on and off during all of it, I bet. His family are horrible and he's getting ill from ignoring health issues.

You sleep on the sofa? And you have an open wound, it hasnt healed probably, partly due to you being stressed and getting poor quality sleep. Please correct me if I got that wrong.

You have to tell him that you will leave if he doesn't sort himself out. The health stuff and smoking combined. It's not great he likes smoking but you gave him the benefit of the doubt, despite knowing his history of smoking, when you got together.

For what it is worth, his family are using the smoking to keep him part of them, its a method of him being kept down on their level. They don't respect you or your relationship or they wouldn't have let him get away with it, knowing you hate him smoking. Not because you are controlling (they probably think you are because they love to smoke too, and see nothing wrong with it) but HE SAID he wasn't going to anymore.

I'm sorry OP, unless there is a drastic change on his part, I think you know how this will probably end.

Just to reiterate I did not suggest she said this to the children.. definitely shouldn't donthat. I suggested she made him think about the idea of it.

If you gave him an ultimatum 3 months to quit completely or it’s over what do you think he would choose you or the cigarettes?

When I was young it wouldn’t have bothered me both myself and exh smoked, I gave up at 30.

Now it would be a deal breaker, I wouldn’t want my kids growing up around a smoker or a family of smokers.

The issue is u said it was a deal breaker but it wasn’t really and once you didn’t leave he knew that. Now you either have to accept it or leave him.

What I've taken from this is, you have been lied to, gaslit, manipulated by your husband's family, you have an unhealed wound from surgery but it's you who has been sleeping on the sofa for a year.
What you haven't done is give one good reason why you and your children would be worse off (disregarding financially) without this person in your lives.

Don’t ever do that to your children OP, in fact ignore all of the advice in this post. You don’t need to go to his GP, or use the kids in some weird game to test his reaction - it’s controlling and unhinged.

Your husband is a grown man. He knows the risks. You cannot control another adult, so your only choice is to accept it or leave. That’s it.

When you knew that being with a smoker was not the life you wanted to live. Your life is yours to live how you want - this decison remains with you, it is literally your choice. It doesn't depend on anyone's else choices or how someone else wants to live their life.

If my husband started smoking I would 100% leave him, regardless of how long we'd been married. The smell makes me want to be sick and there is zero way I'd put up with constantly feeling sick in my own home. Even if it caused me financial difficulties, it'd be worth it.

That said, it does sound like you knew on some level what you were getting into before you married him. Being angry about it without action isn't going to help so you need to make a decision. Is there a spare room you can move into so that at least you're not as exposed to the smell while you're trying to sleep?