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Original poster

How to put them off when they ask to get together too much

56 replies

Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:34

We know a couple, let us call them A and B. I first met A when our DDs were young as we went to the same swimming group. We were friendly and did have a few play dates but I soon realised I did not want to maintain a friendship as I found her quite demanding. It then came about that my DH works with B and they have become friends in the last 2 years. He is a nice guy but a bit intense. Since then they have clearly wanted us to make us their "couple friends" to do things with. I don't mind sometimes but it's too much. For example it is now the Easter holidays and they have suggested we meet up three times within 2 weeks! This because I agreed to one thing and then they latch onto it and suggest other things. One meet up in the holidays is enough, surely!

I am conscious I may be being unkind. They are nice people, I just don't enjoy A's company. She can be almost a bit rude but I believe this is because she is ND rather than actually rude. I say this as I am ND and I recognise things in her. I could he wrong and she could just be ignorant but I don't think so. Only relevant as I wonder if it's the fact we might both be ND in a similar way which makes us clash (at least from my point of view).

I need downtime to recharge and I am not interested in making plans with people who are not my close friends. I play netball three evenings a week. DH has hobbies she we like to keep weekends for family time. I don't mind occasionally doing something with the girls as they are in the same class but they take us accepting any invitation as a chance to rekindle this couple friendship and then keep suggesting things. We can say no of course and often do but they don't stop. Even my close friends I would only see once a month at most as we're all busy.

Is it best to not say yes at all?

I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable as I'm not sure I'm handling this the right way. It's been going on for two years!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 09:42

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I'm trying to find a way to calm things without upsetting them. That text would just be rude IMO!

OP posts:
LGBirmingham · 01/04/2026 09:11

Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:22

No I don't mind seeing them occasionally but previously I posted something about the situation on Mumsnet and people said I should say no all the time as I'm giving a mixed message by saying yes occasionally. Personally I don't see the issue. I have friends I only see every few months. The problem is that if we see them it does seem to encourage them to suggest something later in the same month which I don't feel the need for.

Show quote history

I've had a similar situation before but not with a couple just with a friend. She just wanted to see me a lot more than I wanted. I actually really liked her but I didn't want a friendship that was akin to a second romantic relationship in levels of contact/intensity. I guess she wanted more the type of friendship you might have as a teenager or when you're at university together.

It was difficult as I did want to be friends, but seeing each other once a week at work meeting once a week outside work was enough for me.

Anyway I retrained and covid happened and I had a baby. My level of contact to her reduced to what it is with lots of my old friends:- making an effort to see her several times a year. Then I realised I hadn't heard from her in a while, sent her a message to see how she was and she replied. Then I suggested meeting up and never heard back from her. Although I was a bit sad as she was a good friend it was also a relief.

Notmauve · 01/04/2026 09:04

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Notmauve · 01/04/2026 09:00

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Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:54

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Would you do this to someone you like and a friend of your DH? I wouldn't.

OP posts:
rockinrobins · 01/04/2026 08:38

Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:47

Just be direct.
"Thanks for the thought but no. We're looking forward to [the one thing] with you but that's it. We have other things on and I need downtime too. I cant fit it all in!"

I kind of like this and it sounds like me!

I don't want to he rude @rockinrobins but they don't let things go. It's really used to explain. I think they won't get it unless I am v direct and that's my difficulty as I don't want to be rude and DH and B are colleagues and friends.

Show quote history

I mean I guess you can either keep giving excuses every time and hope for a gradual fade, or be direct/ a bit rude and risk completely alienating them.

It's up to you really. There's no way to be direct without being direct.

Notmauve · 01/04/2026 08:31

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Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:28

Notmauve · 01/04/2026 08:11

You and your DH need to collectively build one spine between the pair of you and politely decline and say you have plans. It is that simple.

I do say I have plans. They then send a load more dates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:27

gertu · 01/04/2026 08:04

We would be genuinely too busy to get together that often! We tend to have things booked. Usually if someone suggests something I have to check which date, then it's often a 2-3 months before there's a date we're free. That could feel a bit less like a personal rejection, because you're turning it down because of other specific plans (you can make them up).

Also are they suggesting getting together without the dcs? We wouldn't be able to do things as a couple very often (just a few times a year), and frankly with the rare child-free time I have I'd rather spend it with just DH! You can always make up babysitting issues as an obstacle, even if you have reliable childcare.

We have had this discussion as we rarely have evenings out without the DCs so we have said no. We don't have many evenings alone together a year which is fine but they are for us.

OP posts:
Cannaebebothered · 01/04/2026 08:27

@Justnetballandcoffee I would probably say ‘I literally have time for only one meet-up this month, looking forward to seeing you on xyz’.

Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:25

Nodwyddaedafedd · 01/04/2026 08:03

It comes across like you don't actually like them. You say nothing positive of the friendship.
If your children are in the same class then think if it may be beneficial to them. Or if you may value their friendship more in the future. Otherwise slow fade.
You're wasting their time - they clearly value and like you. You don't want to have a friendship on that level.

Yes I think you're right. I wouldn't say I don't like them. They are nice people but I find them a bit intense and I don't really want to give up my evenings or weekends to spend with them IYSWIM? I'm quite happy to have the occasional play date for the sake of the DDs but I don't see why that should mean meeting every week. One bank holiday they wanted to see us on the Saturday, Sunday and Monday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:23

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/04/2026 07:54

That's pretty rude tbh - if someone said that to me I wouldn't bother going to the one thing with them!

Obviously I dont think it's rude [since i suggested it]. None of my friends would think it's rude, they might be a bit disappointed i dont want to come. I think it's being clear about my limits which manages their expectations.

And if the OP's acquaintances think it"s so rude that they back off, that's a result 😆

I don't think it is necessarily rude especially when more subtle responses don't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 08:22

coolcahuna · 01/04/2026 07:53

Fair enough, that's a bit of a different decision then I think. Do you not want to see them at all? I think in that case I would slow fade - slower response to messages etc - maybe say you've got alot going on at the mo and you'll be in touch - and hope they get the hint. I've never found another way to bring a friendship to a close.

Edited
Show quote history

No I don't mind seeing them occasionally but previously I posted something about the situation on Mumsnet and people said I should say no all the time as I'm giving a mixed message by saying yes occasionally. Personally I don't see the issue. I have friends I only see every few months. The problem is that if we see them it does seem to encourage them to suggest something later in the same month which I don't feel the need for.

OP posts:
TheNorns · 01/04/2026 08:14

But you haven’t said what you want. Do you want to not see them at all, ever, or do you want to see them very occasionally?

Notmauve · 01/04/2026 08:11

You and your DH need to collectively build one spine between the pair of you and politely decline and say you have plans. It is that simple.

TootlingBy · 01/04/2026 08:06

Like @rockinrobins I find @DisplayPurposesOnly’s suggestion rude.
I’ve been in this situation twice. With the first couple I suggested it was important that the men had time to themselves which has worked. The second time I argued that there would be too much work chinwag, which the other husband acknowledged and accepted.

BlueMum16 · 01/04/2026 08:05

Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:50

I am thinking of their feelings which is why I want advice about how to deal with this. I actually posted about the same couple a year or two ago and that time I was roasted as people said I was wrong for accepting any invitations at all. I think that was specially about A and maybe before B and DH started working together, not sure, which is why I'm now questioning whether I should do nothing with them.

Show quote history

If this is stressing you out then defer to the men to arrange. It's them that are friends/colleagues.

Message A and say we're really busy just now, let's leave for DH and B to coordinate diaries in a few weeks

gertu · 01/04/2026 08:04

We would be genuinely too busy to get together that often! We tend to have things booked. Usually if someone suggests something I have to check which date, then it's often a 2-3 months before there's a date we're free. That could feel a bit less like a personal rejection, because you're turning it down because of other specific plans (you can make them up).

Also are they suggesting getting together without the dcs? We wouldn't be able to do things as a couple very often (just a few times a year), and frankly with the rare child-free time I have I'd rather spend it with just DH! You can always make up babysitting issues as an obstacle, even if you have reliable childcare.

Nodwyddaedafedd · 01/04/2026 08:03

It comes across like you don't actually like them. You say nothing positive of the friendship.
If your children are in the same class then think if it may be beneficial to them. Or if you may value their friendship more in the future. Otherwise slow fade.
You're wasting their time - they clearly value and like you. You don't want to have a friendship on that level.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/04/2026 07:54

That's pretty rude tbh - if someone said that to me I wouldn't bother going to the one thing with them!

Obviously I dont think it's rude [since i suggested it]. None of my friends would think it's rude, they might be a bit disappointed i dont want to come. I think it's being clear about my limits which manages their expectations.

And if the OP's acquaintances think it"s so rude that they back off, that's a result 😆

coolcahuna · 01/04/2026 07:53

Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:50

I am thinking of their feelings which is why I want advice about how to deal with this. I actually posted about the same couple a year or two ago and that time I was roasted as people said I was wrong for accepting any invitations at all. I think that was specially about A and maybe before B and DH started working together, not sure, which is why I'm now questioning whether I should do nothing with them.

Show quote history

Fair enough, that's a bit of a different decision then I think. Do you not want to see them at all? I think in that case I would slow fade - slower response to messages etc - maybe say you've got alot going on at the mo and you'll be in touch - and hope they get the hint. I've never found another way to bring a friendship to a close.

OhBettyCalmDown · 01/04/2026 07:52

I agree with @DisplayPurposesOnly the direct approach is best. Some people just don’t take hints and will just keep at it. Just explain you don’t like to have so many things scheduled. You’re busy and you need downtime too.

Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:50

coolcahuna · 01/04/2026 07:46

Don't forget their feelings in this, they clearly really like you and are making an effort. Just decline what you don't want to do saying you're busy, get it to the amount of contact that feels comfortable to you. I find the opposite, no one suggests anything !

I am thinking of their feelings which is why I want advice about how to deal with this. I actually posted about the same couple a year or two ago and that time I was roasted as people said I was wrong for accepting any invitations at all. I think that was specially about A and maybe before B and DH started working together, not sure, which is why I'm now questioning whether I should do nothing with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justnetballandcoffee · 01/04/2026 07:47

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/04/2026 07:41

Just be direct.

"Thanks for the thought but no. We're looking forward to [the one thing] with you but that's it. We have other things on and I need downtime too. I cant fit it all in!"

Just be direct.
"Thanks for the thought but no. We're looking forward to [the one thing] with you but that's it. We have other things on and I need downtime too. I cant fit it all in!"

I kind of like this and it sounds like me!

I don't want to he rude @rockinrobins but they don't let things go. It's really used to explain. I think they won't get it unless I am v direct and that's my difficulty as I don't want to be rude and DH and B are colleagues and friends.

OP posts:
coolcahuna · 01/04/2026 07:46

Don't forget their feelings in this, they clearly really like you and are making an effort. Just decline what you don't want to do saying you're busy, get it to the amount of contact that feels comfortable to you. I find the opposite, no one suggests anything !