AIBU to expect confidentiality after raising concerns with a charity?

HarvestSky · 2026-04-01T05:57:44+00:00

I was dissatisfied with the teaching methods in a specialist subject at school. I contacted a local charity that specialises in that subject and provides teaching for teachers. I wanted to find out whether what the school was doing was best practice, and how they could improve through training courses. However I must have mentioned the school's name rather than keeping it generic as I wish I had done. Now the charity has fed back to the school through personal contacts that I told them xyz about the school's teaching, and the teachers are annoyed. Should I have expected a reasonable degree of confidentiality from the charity or am AIBU for dobbing the school in?

MyLuckyHelper · 07/04/2026 11:44

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 04/04/2026 23:06

Her knowledge comes from a class she took a decade ago. Outdated.

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So, she having had decade old knowledge - approached a charity to ask if her opinion on their teaching was correct or not.

Nowhere did she ask them to approach the school.

Candy24 · 06/04/2026 03:59

I honestly struggle not to read this post and instantly have second hand embarrassment. You think your more qualified then you are. Also I struggle to see how your complaint helped anyone. It just would have caused more upset and annoyance

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 04/04/2026 23:06

MyLuckyHelper · 01/04/2026 13:11

That's an odd take.

OP said she DOES have lots of knowledge in this area.

No entitlement whatsoever in contacting the school to enquire about the way something is taught - parents are service users of schools. There's nothing at all to suggest OP was rude in her communication with the school.

Why would anyone be happy with being fobbed off? If you had a legitimate concern that you didn't feel was resolved, you'd just say 'ah well', would you?

She contacted the charity to ask if she was right in thinking that the school wasn't using best practice. Absolutely nowhere does it say she asked them to wade in and give the school advice.

And yes, confidentiality is absolutely her issue here, that's her question.

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Her knowledge comes from a class she took a decade ago. Outdated.

Groundhogday21 · 03/04/2026 10:54

Wait this is primary school? I assumed GCSE/A Level age from the OP. I can’t imagine telling teachers of 5 year olds that they are wrong and you are right! Bet they had good gossip in the staff room about you…
In answer to your question, no I don’t think the charity should have spoken to the school if they said they would only get back to you. However if there is a personal connection between someone at the charity and the school you can’t be surprised they mentioned it? If you’ve been the only parent to repeatedly raise an issue that no one else has noticed then it going to be obvious it’s you! I’m with the PP that thinks this is a music thing. No you can’t learn efficiently by watching a video but given that these are young children getting a broad knowledge of lots of areas without specialising in anything, I’m not sure I could get worked up about it.

parkezvous · 03/04/2026 08:15

PoppinjayPolly · 01/04/2026 07:37

Ah you wanted to be weaponised to go in and tell them how shit they are at your specialist subject? And everyone would cheer and clap and do it right now you’d told them?
it’s really giving me Beverly Goldberg vibes! 😆

to all the MN teachers… I salute you! Could not deal with what you deal with ever!

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Just about to say the same thing!

BitterTits · 03/04/2026 00:42

You need a thicker skin, you've done nothing wrong.

I'm a teacher, but when I've raised concerns about how my own children are taught I'm fobbed off and it's seen as sour grapes. I know I'm not wrong but have also had to accept I can't change things.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 03/04/2026 00:30

HarvestSky · 01/04/2026 12:47

Thanks so much for taking the time to write really useful comments. The AIBU is about whether I should have expected the charity to keep the issue as sensitive, but I understand that context would help.

Nothing to do with trans! No safeguarding issues.

I am a parent at the school.

The charity is internationally recognised as providing excellent training.

I have undertaken some of their training in the past and have been involved with it in other ways, 10-15 years ago. I own their teaching materials.

How do I know what is happening?
My children have told me.
I saw it myself on a school app that posts what children have done.
I saw it also at a school function.

Since I have accidentally called out the school already to the charity, and regret doing so, I want to be careful not to repeat my mistake online.

So I'll try to give an analogy.

Imagine I am a mid ranking tennis player.
My kids PE lessons at school are taken by a qualified PE teacher who shows them videos of other people playing sports in every lesson. They have a racquet but don't demonstrate using it. They will show videos of shot putt and javelin to small kids. Nice introduction but maybe not quite right for their age. Some of the videos are quite good eg BBC, others are just of kids running about in a field, sport indecipherable, from youtube. Sometimes the videos aren't even about sports but something related to the season. The video is approximately half of the lesson, and the other half they get to have a go themselves and each get one chance to hit a ball.

I have been to lots of tennis schools due to my job, and in every case we get on and play tennis rather than watching videos. Sure, you can study advanced technique by watching the pros but in the under ten age group I would argue that it's a bit of a waste of time to spend part of every lesson watching other people on a screen rather than participating.
This goes on for several months.

When the kids watch an advert where a top tennis player has teamed up with Coke, I ask the school not to show junk food adverts. They try to cover it up but also say the lesson was a gateway to learning about tennis.

I make a second complaint that under fives are also being taught PE using videos as the basis of their lesson, while on the other hand the school emails us about reducing screen time for that age group. (they have an attached nursery)

Then at a school sports day they show a video where a pupil is holding a tennis racquet like a gun, imitating a character from popular culture. I talk afterwards to the head of department and say it's me who has been complaining that I think the videos are out of hand and I would love to discuss the curriculum. I'm waved off in irritation and told there doesn't need to be any restriction on videos.

At this point I contact the charity. The charity arranges top class tennis matches which I used to take part in, with a teaching arm on how to teach tennis.

I call them and say, I have this issue with the school using videos and I know your style of teaching uses none at all. I'd love your help in trying to work out how to talk to the school about this matter.

They don't reply but senior staff from the school invite me in to tell me what a naughty parent I have been for not trusting them to teach and for contacting another organisation. They also listened carefully and are going to report back. My issue is not with the school's eventual response but as a previous poster really got right - the manner in which the story came back round to the school via the grapevine from an organisation I respect.

Wait, 10yrs ago??? That method would absolutely be outdated, and not used anymore!!!

onlymovesawyfromcertainvictor · 02/04/2026 21:23

Surprised by some of the responses here. I too would be pissed off if my child was sat around watching videos for half of every lesson rather than learning or doing anything . It's such a passive way to take in information. Just lazy surely??

zeebra · 02/04/2026 19:39

I would love to be in a staff meeting discussing this series of events. Wow-just wow. Don't be that parent OP. Your poor children. I find it hard to believe the charity are all expert teachers and the font of all knowledge.

GlasgowGal2014 · 01/04/2026 23:47

Does the charity offer a confidential advice service to the public? If not I don't think they've got any obligation to keep your query confidential. If they have an existing relationship with the school you are asking about I'm not surprised they passed it on. You could submit a DSAR to find out if they mentioned you by name in the message that they passed on to the school, but honestly I think you'll look a bit mad. In your shoes I'd ask for a meeting with the school to explain your concerns.

saraclara · 01/04/2026 23:24

PoppinjayPolly · 01/04/2026 23:01

just catching up… so tennis was only an analogy… not the actual thing?

Yes

PoppinjayPolly · 01/04/2026 23:01

just catching up… so tennis was only an analogy… not the actual thing?

Ilovelurchers · 01/04/2026 22:22

OP, you can't demand the school changes it's pedagogy. You have raised your concerns - if they wanted to fake them on board, they would have. Contacting the charity was never going to achieve anything.

There are other schools - you need to send your DC somewhere else if you are really that bothered.

And does the charity claim to offer confidentiality? Or did you request it and they agreed?

If neither, I don't think they have done anything wrong.

The whole thing seems a bit weird, to be honest with you.

seriousandloyal · 01/04/2026 21:41

OP you sound seriously over involved with this and a bit of a nightmare for the teachers who will have much more important things to do and who will resent you taking up their time with your own trivial hobbyhorse. Now it looks like you want to start complaining about the charity as well! I would suggest getting some perspective and learning that you can’t always get your own way in everything.

edwinbear · 01/04/2026 20:18

OP I think you’ve come across as a bit of a busy body. Using your analogy, DD actually does throw shot & javelin, she’s very good at it. At school they do athletics in the summer, the PE staff are generalists and have nowhere near the time or coaching ability to teach 170 kids how to throw a shot or javelin properly. The vast majority of them aren’t particularly interested in learning to throw seriously. I’ve not asked DD’s throws coach to interfere with the school PE staff and explain where they are going wrong. She just carries on with her external coach (and demonstrates when asked to in PE lessons).

SuziQuinto · 01/04/2026 20:13

PrettyPickle · 01/04/2026 19:40

You said "Well, we all have a "right" to do this. I wouldn't waste the time of the local firefighters by suggesting they adopt different practices, because I am not an expert.
However, it happens in schools a lot, and it very much depends what "heard" means." So you are comparing it.

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Oh my god! Mea culpa! 😁
Pick at this all night if you want to. Fine.
I made various points, but carry on with this one 😁

AzureLurker · 01/04/2026 19:59

Perhaps you should train to be a teacher and then see what it's like. So many things are controlled by curriculum, targets, time limitations, personalities and perspectives of all staff in departments or promoted posts, let alone the learners individual needs and skill levels. Difficult to comment perhaps without having waited to see if you drip fed more of your ideas.

PrettyPickle · 01/04/2026 19:40

SuziQuinto · 01/04/2026 14:48

No. I am not missing the point. I am well aware of her original query, however, it raises other questions and points. This happens on discussion threads. The discussion often gets broadened. People contribute in different ways.
You have totally missed my point. I never compared firefighters to teachers. I just said that I am aware of my area of expertise. A charity course 10-15 years ago wouldn't change that.
Should the charity have shared her details?
Probably not. I hope that allays your concerns about the question asked.

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You said "Well, we all have a "right" to do this. I wouldn't waste the time of the local firefighters by suggesting they adopt different practices, because I am not an expert.
However, it happens in schools a lot, and it very much depends what "heard" means." So you are comparing it.

BlackRowan · 01/04/2026 19:29

OhWise1 · 01/04/2026 14:52

Imagine the teacher is say 45 with a dodgy hip and teaching gymnastics would you expect them, to demonstrate themselves or put on a video to demonstrate?
You realise a sports club will teach things very differently, follow a different curriculum and have different learning objectives to a school?
I also think you have got a hell of a cheek telling a qualified specialist PE teacher how yo do their job based on a bit of dports coaching you have done. Apples and pears!

It was an ANALOGY.
it doesn’t mean the problem has anything to do with sport,

but to your questions I’d expect my kids to have physical movement at PE and not videos of movement. If the PE teacher can’t do it, she’s in the wrong job

slashlover · 01/04/2026 18:37

OP, does the school have enough funding to buy a racquet for each child to use so they can all actually spend time playing?

I have been to lots of tennis schools due to my job, and in every case we get on and play tennis rather than watching videos.

I would think that a tennis school has specialist equipment and specialist teachers and more resources.

I'm going to assume this is about music and pupils don't all get to spend time playing. I can remember one drum kit and maybe two guitars for the entire class, and that was 30+ years ago.

Besafeeatcake · 01/04/2026 18:10

MyLuckyHelper · 01/04/2026 13:11

That's an odd take.

OP said she DOES have lots of knowledge in this area.

No entitlement whatsoever in contacting the school to enquire about the way something is taught - parents are service users of schools. There's nothing at all to suggest OP was rude in her communication with the school.

Why would anyone be happy with being fobbed off? If you had a legitimate concern that you didn't feel was resolved, you'd just say 'ah well', would you?

She contacted the charity to ask if she was right in thinking that the school wasn't using best practice. Absolutely nowhere does it say she asked them to wade in and give the school advice.

And yes, confidentiality is absolutely her issue here, that's her question.

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Not an odd take at all. What an odd thing to say.

I didn’t say she was rude but stand by saying she was entitled. She has some knowledge biy isn’t an expert.

She acted entitled by her actions and yes the school was going to figure it out. She is worried about the wrong .

PrettyPickle · 01/04/2026 15:47

rwalker · 01/04/2026 13:12

If you feel that strongly own it and tell school what you’ve done

have you any qualifications in the given area that you are unhappy about

did you follow the schools complaint policy I would of thought it would be be an ofstead issue rather than a random charity

But surely that is the point at hand. She had spoken to the school and got nowhere and so she sought to clarify her stance with a charity who she believes know best practice and presumably had the charity provided that information, she could have made an informed decision on the way forward which could have been in the form of a complaint to the school or Ofsted or she may have decided she was wrong - we will never know. She has never claimed to be an expert and sought to factually check the situation before progressing further. The charity, potentially unwittingly, deprived her of that option and unnecessarily escalated the matter.

People are reading into this things which have never been said at the point they replied.

BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 15:37

PrettyPickle · 01/04/2026 15:07

She hasn't complained to an external body, she has asked for information so she can make an informed decision on whether she has a point or not. The charity were then indiscreet and potentially made this into something it wasn't and it could be conceived as a complaint when the OP hasn't made that decision yet. You are making this into something she hasn't said or asked.

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Sorry, I shouldn't have said complained. I was just trying to demonstrate that if someone did that to her in the workplace she might not be thrilled.

Onmytod24 · 01/04/2026 15:16

Is this anything to do with dyslexia? If so there are charities who have methods that may work with individual very compliant children. Apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree.

PrettyPickle · 01/04/2026 15:07

BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 11:17

Why does a non teacher think they know better about how to teach any subject than an actual educational professional?

You sound arrogant I'm afraid. I can't imagine any charity that exists to facilitate random members of the public changing the way teachers work in a specific school.

As others say, how would you feel if someone made a complaint about your work to an external body? When they've never done the job once themselves. You'd be pissed off surely? Anyone would.

She hasn't complained to an external body, she has asked for information so she can make an informed decision on whether she has a point or not. The charity were then indiscreet and potentially made this into something it wasn't and it could be conceived as a complaint when the OP hasn't made that decision yet. You are making this into something she hasn't said or asked.