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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say DP must take responsibility for his elderly dog

66 replies

Libertybelle21 · 01/04/2026 00:19

Thoughts on what to do with 12 year old intermittently incontinent dog and owner (DP)…?

Both DP and I work full time, 2 kids aged 3 and 6. He came with the dog, but as he works away a lot, the burden of care largely falls to me. Not such an issue pre kids but it is now I am drowning with the logistics of work/ kids/ perimenopause, without the additional dog burden.

Have put up with it so far as I figured it was a package deal, but I am feeling increasingly screwed over for the amount of time, energy and (joint) money I spend on the dog. Which just takes away from any time, energy or money spent on myself.

And I am really struggling with the regular canine redecoration of our house (at least once a month, often more), which I arrived back to after a long day at work today….
Poo and wee over the kitchen floor, the sofa and living room carpet, the toilet floor….
Today is because DP forgot to book a dog walker or even ask MiL to let dog out : ( so am mostly feeling sorry for the poor doggo this time.
Other reasons for in house shits include:

  • not being taken out for a proper walk (she will wee but won’t poo in our garden)
  • inflammatory bowel disease (largely under control with special diet)
  • a terrible fear of hot air balloons and fireworks
but there is no obvious precipitant half the time.

TBH I don’t think DP does a great job of looking after her even when he is around… forgets to buy dog food when it runs out, or let her out for a wee between work calls, although he does walk her every day

I’m thinking he shouldn’t have a dog if even he can’t manage to look after her properly/ make arrangements for her when he’s not around.
I’m finding the logistics of school, childcare and work hard enough already, in addition to perimenopause joy, I can’t be dealing with the dog too.

But whilst I am merely fond of our dog but not massively attached, he adores her more than the children and I don’t know what to do next. We can’t rehome her at this age/ state, we can’t put her down (I doubt he’ll even consider a discussion on this without getting upset and angry) he can’t quit his job and I just can’t keep doing this…

OP posts:
TheBeaTgoeson1 · 01/04/2026 07:47

She’s a neglected dog, not a difficult one. He needs to do better.

Applecup · 01/04/2026 07:37

HortiGal · 01/04/2026 00:26

It’s quite odd that you don’t see her as a family dog and resent her, it’s not the dogs fault he’s hopeless.
To haw the dog left all day due to him forgetting the dog walker is pathetic and you sit back and watch her be neglected?

Yes let’s blame the woman. Are you really that short sighted??

Original poster
Libertybelle21 · 01/04/2026 07:35

Just want to say thank you for all the helpful and supportive posts, lots of good ideas to take on board. I agree he is being shit (no pun intended) and it is heartbreaking all round. Xx

OP posts:
Bigtreeesss · 01/04/2026 07:33

poor dog, sounds like a miserable life
His adoration for her certainly isn’t meeting his actions is it, what an absolute melt you’ve married

PermanentTemporary · 01/04/2026 07:28

I just don’t think he loves her in a very effective way. Infuriating. His dog that he loves so much is actually suffering. Tbh it makes me very dubious about him round kids if I’m honest.

Hard because I would never choose to have a dog with children this young, though I know people do.

I wouldn’t suggest pts personally (though I have no issue with it at all and often think it’s the obvious answer to a lot of pet threads on here) but imo you jointly need to agree a much better care regime with money thrown at it. I’d tell him that at a pretty high volume.

Original poster
Libertybelle21 · 01/04/2026 07:25

Yeah, I think this is how it’s going to have to be. Thank you for a helpful post x

OP posts:
Original poster
Libertybelle21 · 01/04/2026 07:24

Agree on all the practical points, most of this is in place and I had been overseeing it all until recently.

He works away on an unpredictable schedule which doesn’t help with scheduling walks - although of course this needs to happen.
Of course he cleans up if he is home at the time.
Dog food is on a subscription but the kibble ran out and he failed to mention it (we still have wet food for her, kibble arrives today).

I am looking after my mum who is in early stages of dementia, and as an example, recently left the gas hob on all day. My daughter is neurodivergent, and physically aggressive with me specifically when he is away. I’m getting it from every direction at the moment- including mumsnet!

I’m drowning in it all and I had hoped a grown man could manage his own dog.

OP posts:
dollyblue01 · 01/04/2026 07:17

Set up a subscription from his acc for the dog food and book a dog walker on repeat from his acc, poor dog is being neglected at an age where it doesn’t ask for much just food , a walk and some company

Clefable · 01/04/2026 07:14

Has the dog been taken to the vets? By either of you? Yes it’s his dog but when he’s not around and you’re caring for it, then it’s also your responsibility. But if it’s toileting because it’s not being let out in the day then that’s neglectful of both of you, not just him.

Can’t she be confined to hard flooring area when out or overnight to avoid stuff on carpet/sofa? Our dog is approaching 13 and occasionally has a poo accident as she finds it more difficult to tell when she needs to go due to some loss of sensation in her rear end. She no longer has free access to rest of house when we are out and we keep her in kitchen as it can easily be cleaned up.

Unfortunately this type of thing isn’t uncommon when dogs get old and it’s just part and parcel of having a dog, but the dog needs to be vet checked, there could be medication that will help, and can’t be left for a whole day without someone coming in, whoever arranges it.

At this point it’s both of your responsibilities to look after this dog.

TheGoldenOwl · 01/04/2026 07:02

Also If he is being this forgetful I'd start making a lot of noise about his age, his executive function, suggest doctors appts, dont hide it from friends and family.....

Pricelessadvice · 01/04/2026 07:02

The poor dog. He’s a neglectful arsehole.
Forgetting to arrange someone to let the dog out for a wee, forgetting to buy food… yet he apparently loves this animal.
The more I hear about men, the more I hate them.

Munchyseeds2 · 01/04/2026 07:02

Poor dog !!

WhereDoBrokenHeartsGo · 01/04/2026 06:59

The poor dog in all this. How long are you leaving them without a toilet break?

Have you taken them to the vet? My old dog wouldn’t poo or pee inside unless they were sick or hadn’t been taken out so I don’t think it’s inevitable at 12.

For admin, set up a subscription on pet drugs online or similar - we get all our food and medication delivered and I find It cheaper than getting from our vet as well as the convenience.

I’d also be having some serious conversations with your husband, it sounds like he is neglecting the dogs basic needs. If he can’t remember to take them out he needs to be setting an alarm every couple of hours. What if you are get ill? Is he just going to forget to do anything for you?

Summerbay23 · 01/04/2026 06:59

This is really sad at a time in her life when the dog relies on you most. You need to book a regular dog walker so she is never forgotten and book food on subscription. And have a serious talk with DH about whether he still wants the responsibility that comes with a dog and how he needs to step up or look at alternatives. Very sad for the poor dog.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/04/2026 06:53

He neglects the dog yet loves her more than the children? What a prince among men you have there!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/04/2026 06:42

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/04/2026 04:09

dont you think it’s quite odd he adores her more than his children but does fuck all for her?

Show quote history

I'm assuming the OP meant, he loves the dog more than the children do? At least, I hope so 😬

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/04/2026 06:41

Presumably you have been together for the majority of this dog's life? As in, they are 12,and your oldest child is 6? At this stage it is a family dog I'm afraid. Yes, he is crap. And I would be thoroughly furious. But it is your responsibility too, so a routine dog walker etc needs to be booked, food on subscription, walks etc.

givemesteel · 01/04/2026 06:41

Needs to be an ultimatum, he takes responsibility for the dog or it goes.

Needs to be a daily dog walker coming in. Food subscription. As far as possible he cleans the accidents up when he gets in from work. If he's not willing to do the above then stand your ground, if he loves the dog and can see you're serious then he will.

TheGoldenOwl · 01/04/2026 06:40

This is going to sound bonkers but....

Go off him. Sexually. Tell him this is the reason; him not looking after and being neglectful of his dog makes him kind of...well...not sexy. You can't help it etc... it's just how you feel sexually

Men will usually move heaven and earth to fix this problem 🙄

And lets be honest it is true anyway. Nothing less sexy than a man who indulges in animal neglect/abuse.

WellConfusedandDazed · 01/04/2026 06:40

Your DH adores the dog but doesn’t look after her properly and forgets to let her out? This would infuriate me. My DH adores our animals and is obsessed with their care, particularly our lovely dog. He doesn’t do everything but makes sure it is done. Time to have a serious chat with your DH about your frustration. Dogs are very schedule oriented and she should be walked and fed at the same times everyday. It might also help the bowel issues if she’s walked at least twice a day. 15-20 minutes is fine for an elderly dog. My dog basically is trained to poo as these times.

LoudSnoringDog · 01/04/2026 06:36

How can he “adore” the dog when his care for her is appalling?????

loislovesstewie · 01/04/2026 06:35

The dog is being neglected. If she's not being fed, walked , given stimulating activities then those are basic requirements. Has she been assessed by a vet to check on her physical health? Does she have behaviour issues that cause her to do the toileting in the house? He needs to take her to the vets for a check up. He needs to get himself organised so she is walked etc. My dog started weeing in the house when he developed diabetes, and another did the same due to a inoperable tumour.
It's cruel to not deal with this.
As for forgetting food! I despair.

Wallywobbles · 01/04/2026 06:32

Fuck me I’d rip him apart for this. What an unbelievable wanker he is.

babyproblems · 01/04/2026 06:30

The dog needs to see the vet. There are possible treatments for the incontinence - however it’s not incontinence if the dog is weeing inside etc because they cannot get out to the garden as they’ve been shut in with no walk - that’s not incontinence, its neglect.

the dog needs walking and needs feeding. I think it’s your family dog and everyone needs to do better. Book a dog walker; I understand you feel resentful but in this case I think everyone needs to give more. Life is busy but it’s not an excuse for neglect.

LifeIsShambolic · 01/04/2026 06:18

How have you not gone ballistic at this complete tool of a man?

He seriously needs to step up, forgetting the dog walker and letting the poor thing go all day without the opportunity to go to the toilet is disgraceful.

How can he say he loves something that he can't even remember to get food for?

Your husband is neglecting the dogs very basic needs....does he realise no food/no toilet is animal abuse? Doesn't sound so loving when you say it like that does it.