AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

Being with someone who has a metal health condition can be difficult. If I am totally honest I am not equipped for it. There’s lots of people who would be good at dealing with me because I have ASD and that’s okay.

If she is depressed then this will be a semi regular or regular occurrence. You need to think about if you can deal with that and if not then let her go. I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth.

My husband has ADHD and it almost split us up when we moved in together. We now have systems to deal with issues and we are very happy - for us it really came down to I do the organising he does the socialising/does all the gross jobs I hate doing. If you stay together you should try and find ways to manage her depression and help you stay happy as well. What that will look like will be different for everyone, but if you and her are willing to communicate I’m sure you can sort something out.

I think you’ve gotten a bit of a hard time here OP and for what its worth I agree with you. You aren’t a mindreader and in total honesty a relationship with someone who expects you to be is not going to end well long term.

Clear and open communication is so important in a healthy relationship, if she isn’t prepared to do that then only you can decide if you want to spend your life guessing and then feeling punished for getting it wrong.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave her the option of cancelling, of leaving early, you didn't get angry with her. She got annoyed at you and accused you of punishing her! And when you ask how you could have handled it differently she can't or won't tell you.

If she does suffer from depression or similar then that's really tough for her and I'm not without sympathy, but depression is really tough for those around you too and you dont deserve to be "punished" for not being depressed.

She can't magically snap out of it but she needs to communicate better. One of my best friends has always suffered terrible moods. I sometimes think if we hadn't met as children there would have been no way we would be friends. She could suddenly go into a black mood for no obvious reason, She explained once afterwards that the evening wasn't going as she hoped and had a sudden feeling of crushing disappointment. Rather than cutting the evening short she got very sullen and snappy, then got up and stormed off and went missing for a couple of hours because she was fed up with people asking if she was ok. She later got married, her husband was a nice cheerful chap (not perfect, who is) but over the years he got worn down with the moods and eventually left as he felt like he was always walking on eggshells and becoming depressed and anxious himself.

(I'm not saying It's a "woman" thing either. I have come across some men who control the house with their moods and foul temper, its just my friend was the person I had first hand close experience of so that's the example I used.)

It's really very very hard to deal with it the person expects you to manage their moods but has no interest in trying to manage them themselves. If this sounds like her ... Is this really what you want?

I must say I agree also, and I am never usually one to make that comparison. She was uncommunicative, dismissive and rude. Depression does not excuse that, and I couldn’t be bothered dealing with that so early on in a relationship. I need to be with an adult who is capable of using her words.

It is possible to be depressed AND a rude person aside from the depression. It doesn't excuse you from being rude (though it might explain it).

Everyone knows how bar etiquette works.

You don't have to hang around you know...

Agreed She's training you to put her and her needs first. She's fine to be awkward and rude to you and friends but not fine to stay at home or accept a lift home and curtail an evening when offered. I'd think long and hard about pursuing this relationship you will have to try and guess what she wants and needs and will be punished if you get it wrong. Is that how you see your future? It's all very well claiming depression but this behaviour should be unacceptable in anyone.

Yes, agreed.

If people assumed you were a woman, every single one of them would be on your side.

I’ve suffered from clinical depression on and off all my life, up to and including being suicidal. I’ve had numerous treatments for it and at times have been very unwell.

So, bear that in mind when I say that your girlfriend was behaving less like someone with depression and more like an immature, manipulative, rude, passive aggressive arsehole. She behaved really shittily. Her behaviour at the pub sounds nothing like depression and everything like punishing you. I would NEVER treat my partner like your girlfriend treated you and honestly, if you were my friend and I’d witnessed your girlfriend being like that with you, I’d have been worried that she was emotionally abusing you.

If I were you, I would not be continuing this relationship.

I think if she was feeling that bad, she should have been honest with you, and stayed in. Coming out and then being off seems more performative than depressed to me.

You're a man (assuming) so a lot of posts on here are already making you the villain because of that. If you were a woman and your girlfriend was a man they'd be telling you to LTB.
Don't waste any more time, no one is owed a relationship and I couldn't be arsed with the drama, especially so early on.

A new relationship should not be this hard, I would move on.

I don’t think you’re ever going to win with your GF. I’d decide if this is something you want to be living with and tip toeing around ? Does she have any inclination to get help? If not, that’s a really hard starting line for you both.

She sounds incredibly hard work and quite manipulative. I would keep the friends (who sound lovely) and not continue in a relationship with her. I think you will end up making yourself very unhappy by trying to bend over backwards in pleasing her.

You're very sociable with lots of friends, whereas she doesn't have any of her own friends and doesn't seem to enjoy socialising. I don't think you're compatible and honestly she sounds like hard work.

God, who has time for this bullshit?

Sack it off and move on OP.

I spent the best part of my twenties tiptoeing around other people’s mental health and guess what, they’re all still languishing in self-pity. You can’t fix or change people. Don’t waste your time!

I don’t think you did anything particularly wrong. You gave the opportunity of cancelling, and/or leaving early. Saying she doesn’t understand pub culture is poor as well, as you state she’s been to the pub before, and line real ales. It’s also odd to yourself a drink, after refusing one all evening. She sounded a bit rude to be honest.

she sounds like a nightmare and really rude to you and your friends.

Op just leave her. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this so early in a relationship.