AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

This.
I'd be very wary of developing a partner relationship with her, or anyone with depression. It can easily become such an overwhelming part of a relationship and it wouldn't be what I chose for myself. It may be better just to remain friends and support her just as a friend.

My ex was like that and I am so pleased we are no longer together.

It is very hard work going out with someone like that who gets depressed.

Her mental health is not yours.
listen to her.

This.
That was poor, attention-seeking behaviour, all designed to have others focusing on her. If she had really been feeling down/ depressed she would have accepted her usual drink and sat with it quietly, not made a fuss. Or she wouldnt have gone out at all if she had been so bad.

I would think very carefully about taking this relationship further.

You aren’t a mind reader and I don’t think you did anything wrong. I also have depression and although it can present differently in people, what she did feels like a trap. Said she’d go to the pub and then made it obvious she didn’t want to be there and moaned afterwards. If it’s a new relationship I would genuinely consider ending things.

She’s being normal because she got what she wanted; attention and you walking on eggshells

end this, get out now, this will only get worse

it’s not your job to fix her

I am not sure you should assume that she is depressed because she did not enjoy the evening you planned.

Oh yes I see! Sorry, probably projecting 😬

Hi @Malloryknoxsnose

I've 'suffered' from depression and I think one thing that keeps coming up when reading your description and replies is just how impossible it can sometimes feel to make any decisions. Maybe your GF shouldn't have agreed to go out with you on Sunday night, but maybe the alternative of her being on her own just filled her with dread, even though she was feeling down so also knew she was of no value to the social situation. Being unable to articulate what she wanted is also typical when I'm really down: "How should I know what I want to do, I'm of no use / value / anything to anyone else, why do they care etc etc." I've been married for over 20 years and still end up saying 'I don't know' and 'I'm sorry' and 'I cannot explain it' to my (very supportive and trying hard to understand) husband and some close friends.

Depression can be all consuming and hard to articulate. If I was her, I'd be mortified and self flagellating that you felt your feelings were being ignored. As you said, she was worrying the next day whether 'she was good enough for me'. I hope you're able to talk to her and not make any final decisions, such as splitting up with her or never going back to your local pub.

You said this: I guess the best thing to do here is to not ask her to go out socialising unless she actively suggests it but, when I said that I would do this just with regards to my local pub, she was upset and said I was punishing her.

Of course she feels that punishing her! Right now, she's not actively able to suggest anything, but next week or next month that pub might feel like a great opportunity.

When I'm down, I have to do the whole 'take each day at a time' thing and I think if you want to be supportive you might have to do the same. But still put some plans in. I know that can feel contradictory, but it's better to have things to do together and then see how she's feeling on the day, than make a random rule she can no longer go to your local pub...

I saw a good Tiktok by someone who says insecure people are often incredibly self-centred and insufferable to be around. This accurately describes a lot of depressed people as well. They are miserable and being unable to get out of it themselves, they try to make other people responsible for their well-being. This includes expecting them to pre-empt situations that they dislike and "curating" an experience that caters to their mood. If other people do something they perceive as thoughtless or not catering to their mood, they will flip and sulk to make it worse. Some of the behaviours are closely related to covert narcissism.

In any case, if you can't even figure out the politics around getting a drink at the pub, there is clearly no future for the relationship. There's no way she'll be able to handle bigger things like moving in, kids, finances etc.

You aren't a mind reader OP. You offered to cancel the evening, when she seemed surprised, that the pub was on the agenda. Your girlfriend said no and you went to the pub, meeting up with friends, that she's meet numerous times before. Your girlfriend was very quiet, refused a drink, and clearly didn't want to engage with your friends. You asked if she wanted to go home, the answer was no and also asked what was wrong/has you upset her.

On the surface, yes, your girlfriend came across as rude. I don't think anyone, including her can really dispute that. It maybe that she does suffer from depression, but she needs to tell you how she would prefer you to handle these bouts. For example, is it best to leave her alone? You are worried about doing/saying the wrong thing, because you have no clue what to do for the best. You're running around on egg shells, blind.

Your girlfriend is now reluctant to discuss the situation and has barely said two words about it. She'd rather sweep it under the carpet. The problem is, a similar situation will arise again, and you'll still be non-the-wiser on how to handle it! She's not helping you, and in turn isn't helping herself.

This kind of sulking in front of a partner’s friends and/or family is not a good sign for a relationship. It’s manipulative and embarrassing. I’ve behaved like this in a couple of past relationships and I understand now that it was just unacceptable. A good relationship cannot find foundation in this behaviour.

The fact that she has no job and no friends of her own in her 40s is unusual. I’d end this relationship if I were you. I’d bet you any money it will only get worse.

I have quite a lot of experience of a partner with depression. This doesn’t seem like depression, it seems like manipulation.

Sorry to barge in because that wasn't my comment but I thought "performative" too. In that someone who feels down in the dumps and not feeling like being social would tend to opt to not go out. But going out and making a point about not being happy to be out is drawing attention to it. Why, I don't really know. Might be seeking sympathy or support or sometimes even bringing down their loved ones mood/spoiling their evening because "why should they be happy when I'm not".

God, I hate those "...if you were a woman, all the replies would be different...blah, blah, blah" bullshit posts.

Apart from anything else there's a large number of posters on this thread siding with OP so it isn't even the case here

It means she was making a big show of how unhappy she was about something in the situation and making sure you and everyone around you knew about it, but without communicating directly with you. It's very toxic and passive aggressive behaviour.

Totally disagree with this. OP offered to cancel. She said no. OP asked if she wanted to leave early. She said no. She should've stayed at home in the first place.

^This. You’re not her therapist. If someone makes a conscious choice to start a relationship they have to take some responsibility for their behaviour, including how it might make the other person feel.

Yes. Her behaviour was embarrassing. Depression or no, she behaved badly. If she wanted to leave or didn't want to go she should have said so. Being depressed doesn't make people incapable of using their words.