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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

258 replies

Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 13:15

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 11:38

Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:28

I did care about that, because it made everyone I know there (including me) very uncomfortable and these are people I see on a regular basis, and I was now left with very little opportunity to ask or ascertain what was wrong with her, (or care for her in any way) in a room full of people with my friend there who had no idea what was going on. It doesn't mean I don't care about her, nor I care about them more, I would've cancelled on my friend if I had have known how she felt.

It was very awkward and I had no idea what to do (in general, for her, or regarding what to say to my friend or to others who had also never seen her be that way before. Other than asking her if she was okay (which was also wrong) and if she wanted to leave (a no), I was left with very few options. I hadn't known anything was wrong before, I would have (hopefully obviously!) been supportive if I had.

I would have perhaps been quieter than normal, but I wouldn't have gone if I couldn't be sociable, or could only be completely out of character. I am not saying I have a deep understanding of depression, depression as severe as it seems she has it anyway. I just wish she'd have equipped me with the knowledge so that I didn't have to put us in that situation.

Show quote history

So you feel embarrassed in front of your friends as she wasn't acting in a way that put you in a good light. It doesn't sound like you're caring about her feelings.

I'm sorry but depression can be so severe that the person self harms, never washes, never eats and never leaves the house for years. If you can't handle someone being quiet in a pub as it's so socially embarrassing for you then you should part ways with her.

BauhausOfEliott · 01/04/2026 11:34

Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 15:53

My friend is indeed lovely. He's been asking me about it today. I am not sure what to tell him to be honest. He just said it was very out of character and very odd behaviour. I said perhaps she felt left out as I know everyone in there well and he reminded me that she's always been very sociable in there and got on well with everyone and it hasn't ever been an issue before so he doesn't think It's that. I felt sorry for him that night as he was/is confused and was looking forward to seeing us both. He asked was she short on cash but she always says she isn't (she doesn't work per se but sells crafts on Esty and says she does okay from it). He is part of a group who do events often and as he runs a big department he gets tickets free and always chooses to take us. Her nasty comment about him getting on her nerves has upset me.

Show quote history

Wait... are you the same poster whose girlfriend wanted you to cut short your dog-walk/chat in the pub with a friend because you hadn't told her in advance how long you would be - even though you don't live together and she wasn't with you that day?

If so, everyone told you on that thread that her behaviour was unhinged and controlling.

If that wasn't you, it's a hell of a coincidence because a lot of the details are the same.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 01/04/2026 11:32

I think you’re being too intense and unsupportive of her. She clearly didn’t want to go out at 9pm on a Sunday night but she went anyway (people pleasing or feeling shame and wanting to hide her depression from you). She’s later confided in you and admitted she was feeling depressed that day which is why she wasn’t in good spirits at the pub. Your reaction is to focus in on her failure to buy you a drink, say you’ll never go to the pub with her again, and demand she tells you what to do differently next time. These aren’t the actions of an emotionally supportive partner. I don’t think you two are a good match. You have a vision of how people “should” behave and she isn’t meeting that standard.

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:28

BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 10:57

She didn't do anything that wrong except be quiet and not want to drink. Then bought herself a drink. I'd say if that's the worst thing she's going to do when she's feeling depressed you've not got much to worry about.

You do sound like you cared a lot about what the bar staff and your friend thought about her behaviour. So maybe she sensed that and it did feel like you cared a lot about how she looked to them. Rather than whether she was actually happy?

You clearly don't understand depression if you claim that because you would never be quiet in a pub if you were depressed then it's completely unacceptable and unusual behaviour.

I did care about that, because it made everyone I know there (including me) very uncomfortable and these are people I see on a regular basis, and I was now left with very little opportunity to ask or ascertain what was wrong with her, (or care for her in any way) in a room full of people with my friend there who had no idea what was going on. It doesn't mean I don't care about her, nor I care about them more, I would've cancelled on my friend if I had have known how she felt.

It was very awkward and I had no idea what to do (in general, for her, or regarding what to say to my friend or to others who had also never seen her be that way before. Other than asking her if she was okay (which was also wrong) and if she wanted to leave (a no), I was left with very few options. I hadn't known anything was wrong before, I would have (hopefully obviously!) been supportive if I had.

I would have perhaps been quieter than normal, but I wouldn't have gone if I couldn't be sociable, or could only be completely out of character. I am not saying I have a deep understanding of depression, depression as severe as it seems she has it anyway. I just wish she'd have equipped me with the knowledge so that I didn't have to put us in that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:21

Crunchymum · 01/04/2026 10:48

I have read through all the OP's replies so apologies if I have missed it but is she officially diagnosed with depression? (or is she self diagnosed? Or @Malloryknoxsnose are you assuming depression based on your own experience?)

Does she have any treatment / therapy? Does she do anything to "self help" ?

Officially diagnosed, takes medication.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:21

thanks2 · 01/04/2026 10:42

I think you have missed something - I am guessing when you went to the loo she felt uncomfortable with your friend in the sense she might have not wanted to talk and went to the bar to avoid doing this. I find the whole bar ettique thing you prescribe to a bit weird. Sure if my hubby or I are going to the bar and we are next to the person or know for sure they want a drink we would buy one - but you being in the loo and her likely only buying a drink to avoid speaking to your friend it unlikely did not cross her mind.

Sorry, I didn't explain that part well. We were all already sitting at the bar.
I went to the loo while my friend was still there but just about to leave, then I got back, he was just putting his coat on etc, she was buying herself a drink. I said bye to him then got my own.

This confused me as I assumed she'd want to go as soon as he had given she wasn't enjoying the evening.

OP posts:
clover888 · 01/04/2026 11:18

sounds like two things going on

  1. depression (fair enough, needs empathy and care)
  2. and emotional abuse (from her to you)
why i’m thinking this? Because you seem like a kind person, trying to accommodate someone sulking. Second guessing yourself.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

i would run tbh

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:16

MahoganyMare · 31/03/2026 20:17

How many times did you actually spend time together in person or physically meet before dating?

Was it an online friendship or on SM for 5-6 years?

I'm surprised you haven't seen similar sulking behaviour before.... People are often very different online to in person.

Someone who prioritises maintaining an online long distance friendship for 5-6 years may have a very "quirky" personality in real life and bad social skills.

Especially if they haven't made or maintained any local friends or dates or work or community in that time.

They may be the kind of person who is most comfortable in their online persona.

If she lives in a city far away, and you've mainly connected and communicated by messaging this behaviour is who she is.

The distance has hidden this side of her.

Show quote history

No, we met online as part of a wider friendship/meetup group and met very quickly and have spent time together many times over the past few years.

I have known other people who are very much like you describe, however! Including one friend I actually met up with and learned about the 'real him' very quickly but that's a tale for another thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 11:10

Canseewhereitsheading9 · 31/03/2026 17:01

I think her behaviour does come across as passive agressive and basically poor manners op fwiw. Especially when you gave her several opportunities to stay at home or go home early.

The only thing I would say is that the way you have written this, it comes across like you were just as, or even more worried, about your friends noticing and you feeling embarrassed, as you were worried about what was wrong with her.

Do you think she may be jealous in some of your friends generally? It’s early on in the relationship but is she worried perhaps that you always put your friends first?

The good enough comment at lunch next day may have come from a place of her feeling like she has to pass your friends’ approval before she gets yours?

Either way, she should have articulated what was wrong more clearly. Even a comment like “I don’t know why I am feeling like this, sorry that I am behaving strangely” would have been better than nothing. And withholding an answer when you asked what you could do to help was not fair on her part, as long as you asked her in private!

I don't know, as she hasn't told me, but there could be an element of truth in some of this.

I definitely do not care more about my friends noticing than I do about her, I didn't get the opportunity to care about the situation with her, as there wasn't one as far as I was concerned, she hadn't told me she was feeling down.

We got to the pub, she didn't' want a drink and I instantly assumed I must've done something wrong, as this is unusual for her (albeit she does 'go quiet' if she's annoyed with me) and just odd, when the Barman was standing waiting and looking at her but she didn't' look at him, he looked at me, I pretended that everything was normal and just ordered my own. Then my friend who we were meeting arrived all happy and jolly and I watched his visible confusion and started to get very anxious, I couldn't really ask her what was wrong in front of him, that would've made her uncomfortable (so I thought).

I do care about this friend a lot of course, but I care for her more, and what else could I have done? She was being very quiet and standoffish and he was visibly upset too. So yes, I was bothered about what he thought, concerned for her and concerned as to what I may have done wrong all at once. I 100% would have put her first,(as in, not gone out) and let my friend down, if she had have told me how she was feeling, I just didn't know that was the right thing to do (if it was, I am still unsure)!

I am not sure, regarding the comment over lunch. She asked if I still thought she was good enough for me. I said yes. I asked if she didn't, was that what was causing her upset? And she said no, she knows she is good enough for me.

OP posts:
BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 10:57

She didn't do anything that wrong except be quiet and not want to drink. Then bought herself a drink. I'd say if that's the worst thing she's going to do when she's feeling depressed you've not got much to worry about.

You do sound like you cared a lot about what the bar staff and your friend thought about her behaviour. So maybe she sensed that and it did feel like you cared a lot about how she looked to them. Rather than whether she was actually happy?

You clearly don't understand depression if you claim that because you would never be quiet in a pub if you were depressed then it's completely unacceptable and unusual behaviour.

Crunchymum · 01/04/2026 10:57

You also mention she doesn't work?

Why not?

grizzlyoldbear · 01/04/2026 10:52

I think she was unreasonable in going out. She should have stayed at home if she was feeling depressed. It's not your responsibility to manage her feelings. It sounds very attention seeking actually.

Crunchymum · 01/04/2026 10:48

I have read through all the OP's replies so apologies if I have missed it but is she officially diagnosed with depression? (or is she self diagnosed? Or @Malloryknoxsnose are you assuming depression based on your own experience?)

Does she have any treatment / therapy? Does she do anything to "self help" ?

thanks2 · 01/04/2026 10:42

I think you have missed something - I am guessing when you went to the loo she felt uncomfortable with your friend in the sense she might have not wanted to talk and went to the bar to avoid doing this. I find the whole bar ettique thing you prescribe to a bit weird. Sure if my hubby or I are going to the bar and we are next to the person or know for sure they want a drink we would buy one - but you being in the loo and her likely only buying a drink to avoid speaking to your friend it unlikely did not cross her mind.

Chetchy · 01/04/2026 10:41

I agree with Baus, she sounds rude and deeply controlling and unpleasant.

You sound vulnerable yourself because you sound desperate for this relationship to work despite her treating you so badly.

Keep that pub a private spot for yourself.
She made a show of herself with you causing you embarrassment by behaving like a petulant toddler.

Don't bring her there again.
This is who she is.

Keep her away from your friends too, she wants to isolate you.

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 10:38

Mischance · 31/03/2026 16:14

I am not sure you should assume that she is depressed because she did not enjoy the evening you planned.

It wasn't to do with the evening, I have always known she has suffered with depression. I've just never known her be like that before.

OP posts:
thanks2 · 01/04/2026 10:37

I don't think you did anything wrong either. Do you think she is masking autism? It presents differently in females. My daughter is chatty and makes an effort to be social in educational settings but when she comes home if she is over tired she literally can't speak and shuts down.

Bufftailed · 01/04/2026 10:33

I’d be annoyed.

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 10:32

Shittyyear2025 · 31/03/2026 15:15

It is possible to be depressed AND a rude person aside from the depression. It doesn't excuse you from being rude (though it might explain it).

Everyone knows how bar etiquette works.

You don't have to hang around you know...

That is true. Depression doesn't just target lovely people. She's just been such a good friend to me over the years and we've also had a lot of good times together. I haven't ever known anything like this.
I thought that too, I knew what bar etiquette was before I could legally enter a pub not saying that's a great thing either !

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 10:27

BauhausOfEliott · 31/03/2026 15:06

I’ve suffered from clinical depression on and off all my life, up to and including being suicidal. I’ve had numerous treatments for it and at times have been very unwell.

So, bear that in mind when I say that your girlfriend was behaving less like someone with depression and more like an immature, manipulative, rude, passive aggressive arsehole. She behaved really shittily. Her behaviour at the pub sounds nothing like depression and everything like punishing you. I would NEVER treat my partner like your girlfriend treated you and honestly, if you were my friend and I’d witnessed your girlfriend being like that with you, I’d have been worried that she was emotionally abusing you.

If I were you, I would not be continuing this relationship.

I am concerned that this is what people in the pub (who I know) may have thought. I could be projecting here as it is definitely something I may have thought. But I can't say that to her, because it is then 'caring more about what they thought than how she feels'. It isn't that, of course I care about how she feels hence saying we didn't have to go, and we could leave early, and asking her ever since if she's okay, saying we don't have to go again, and how can I help. But I know I will get comments next time I go in, and all the same, that could've been avoided and it does matter to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 10:25

honeylulu · 31/03/2026 15:28

I don't think you did anything wrong. You gave her the option of cancelling, of leaving early, you didn't get angry with her. She got annoyed at you and accused you of punishing her! And when you ask how you could have handled it differently she can't or won't tell you.

If she does suffer from depression or similar then that's really tough for her and I'm not without sympathy, but depression is really tough for those around you too and you dont deserve to be "punished" for not being depressed.

She can't magically snap out of it but she needs to communicate better. One of my best friends has always suffered terrible moods. I sometimes think if we hadn't met as children there would have been no way we would be friends. She could suddenly go into a black mood for no obvious reason, She explained once afterwards that the evening wasn't going as she hoped and had a sudden feeling of crushing disappointment. Rather than cutting the evening short she got very sullen and snappy, then got up and stormed off and went missing for a couple of hours because she was fed up with people asking if she was ok. She later got married, her husband was a nice cheerful chap (not perfect, who is) but over the years he got worn down with the moods and eventually left as he felt like he was always walking on eggshells and becoming depressed and anxious himself.

(I'm not saying It's a "woman" thing either. I have come across some men who control the house with their moods and foul temper, its just my friend was the person I had first hand close experience of so that's the example I used.)

It's really very very hard to deal with it the person expects you to manage their moods but has no interest in trying to manage them themselves. If this sounds like her ... Is this really what you want?

Thank you for this response. And I know what you mean. I have known other people like this (both M&F) unfortunately. I appreciate having depression is very difficult. I have had very down periods myself. I think mine have been reactionary? As in always after a break up, bereavement or difficult period of some other sort, so that is different.

And also maybe my depressive episodes have been nowhere near as severe, because although I was most definitely not 'firing on all cylinders' I was equipped enough to be able to pull myself together for work, or a previously arranged important social event, because I just had no choice and I also would hate it if my situation had have dragged people down if they were cheerful, or upset someone by not turning up (not comparing this to a normal evening in the pub, I would turn that down if I knew I couldn't at least be 'normal'.

The 'cheerful chap' who wasn't perfect, is a good way I think I would describe myself. I am sure I have my own 'red flags' or toxicity, I think all humans do, to someone at least if not to plenty! But I am quite cheerful 95% of the time. For this relationship I just want us to be happy, support one another and enjoy one another's company for the most part.

OP posts:
Humma · 01/04/2026 07:59

I would leave her OP. I’m sorry.
You said it was a newish relationship so I’d get out now and protect yourself.
I say that as someone who lives with someone (my child) who has MH difficulties and whom I could never leave.
But you? Poor MH makes life harder than it needs to be. Try to avoid it if you can at all. Run.

ImmortalSnowman · 01/04/2026 07:45

Take a few days without talking to her to give yourself some clear thinking space @Malloryknoxsnose. Flowers

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 01/04/2026 07:36

Thank you for all the responses. A lot of food for thought. I did try talking to her but am now even more confused if anything! I am working today but will respond later on. I had so much hope for this relationship and am still feeling upset to be honest, not at what happened that evening per se but how I dont seem to be able to gain any clarity on it. I rang her after work, was very calm and earnest in my questioning, she was raising her voice and almost on a rant? Throwing a lot of different scenarios and information at me to the point where I said 'okay, which point are we on?' Or such. In the end I just said can we talk later as I just don't know what is happening here and it doesn't seem as though she's ready to converse about it..

Sorry for the vague update, I am about to go out, will read replies again and respond later. Thank you again all.

OP posts:
SillyQuail · 01/04/2026 07:10

Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 14:53

I did ask her about this. She couldn't answer me. I asked if I should've just noticed she didn't want to go and stayed in, should I have taken her straight home etc etc. She just said no and got annoyed with me. But then (as I said above) when I concluded that I just would leave the pub out of any plans unless she actively suggested it, she said I was punishing her.

Show quote history

I can imagine you must felt incredibly frustrated and confused and that was probably obvious from your tone and manner during that conversation, which most likely escalated the anxiety for her, even if your intentions were good. She's hearing 'I'm considering dumping you because your behaviour around my mates was weird', not 'I see you're struggling and I'm here to help you'. Maybe when you've both calmed down, if you're still interested in salvaging the relationship, you could tell her calmly and gently that you found that situation difficult and think you both need to work on your communication, and ask her what she needs from you when she's feeling anxious/stressed/down.