AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

Crikey the voting and several posts are very very disheartening. Is it really that depression is still so completely misunderstood in fucking 2026 still? Depression is a big black hole that sucks you in and paralyses you, it puts you on an autopilot where you just go through the motions feeling helpless, numb, confused, cold, alone, and utterly broken. It robs you of your agency. It robs you of your self.

Irrespective of diagnosis, the op’s partner doesn’t get to behave as she pleases with impunity. The op actually doesn’t have to put up with it.

Your chemcial make-up will be vastly different to that of your partners. There are different severities of depression, including clinical depression. She sounded clinically depressed and anxious. It can, unfortunately, make you act/behave this way. You have this massive 'black dog', as the terminology goes, hanging around you. She is mentally unwell.

She needs compassion, empathy, and patience - Please do not judge this one event. Just let her sit quietly, if that's how she copes/manages getting through a day. Sometimes it can make talking extremely difficult, you just have 0 energy to be social and talk, or answer questions. Your mind becomes fogged, hense the lack of thought to buy you a drink...but it's not the end of the world.

This is quite a helpful video for people living with someone suffering from depression. Please encourage her to see a GP.

https://www.mhinnovation.net/resources/living-black-dog-video

Your chemcial make-up will be vastly different to that of your partners. There are different severities of depression, including clinical depression. She sounded clinically depressed and anxious. It can, unfortunately, make you act/behave this way. You have this massive 'black dog', as the terminology goes, hanging around you. She is mentally unwell.

She needs compassion, empathy, and patience - Please do not judge this one event. Just let her sit quietly, if that's how she copes/manages getting through a day. Sometimes it can make talking extremely difficult, you just have 0 energy to be social and talk, or answer questions. Your mind becomes fogged, hense the lack of thought to buy you a drink...but it's not the end of the world.

This is quite a helpful video for people living with someone suffering from depression. Please encourage her to see a GP.

https://www.mhinnovation.net/resources/living-black-dog-video

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

After a few months I wouldn't even think of continuing this relationship

I don't know if it did or not. He's saying he thinks it might be? She's saying she's depressed?

I just don't think being quiet and not that sociable in the pub is the end of the world either way.

An ex partner of mine from years ago admitted that they did just that. Would try to bring me down or ruin days out/social occasions because she didn't like to see me happy when she was miserable. It was exhausting, and not a mindset I can understand. I hope this isn't what's happening here.

If the genders in this scenario were switched (a boyfriend behaving in this way to his new girlfriend and her close friend), we’d all be screaming controlling behaviour and multiple red flags. Including trying to isolate you from your loved ones.

She was in the wrong here OP. My husband suffers from depression and it is difficult for him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel hurt by his actions.

Her behaviour had fuck all to do with her depression.

I speak as a depressive. It’s possible to be depressed and, separately, also a controlling, emotionally manipulative cunt.

Just because someone has depression, it doesn’t mean that everything they do is attributable to it. It just doesn’t.

So you feel embarrassed in front of your friends as she wasn't acting in a way that put you in a good light. It doesn't sound like you're caring about her feelings.

I'm sorry but depression can be so severe that the person self harms, never washes, never eats and never leaves the house for years. If you can't handle someone being quiet in a pub as it's so socially embarrassing for you then you should part ways with her.

I am concerned that this is what people in the pub (who I know) may have thought. I could be projecting here as it is definitely something I may have thought. But I can't say that to her, because it is then 'caring more about what they thought than how she feels'. It isn't that, of course I care about how she feels hence saying we didn't have to go, and we could leave early, and asking her ever since if she's okay, saying we don't have to go again, and how can I help. But I know I will get comments next time I go in, and all the same, that could've been avoided and it does matter to me.

No, we met online as part of a wider friendship/meetup group and met very quickly and have spent time together many times over the past few years.

I have known other people who are very much like you describe, however! Including one friend I actually met up with and learned about the 'real him' very quickly but that's a tale for another thread.

If she hadn’t felt up to going out she should have been mature enough to tell you. It’s the job of a partner to be caring and considerate but the ultimate responsibility for managing themselves lies with the individual. You guys need to have a chat about the evening, with no judgment and defensiveness on either side. If she is able to do this then you could find a way forward. If she’s defensive and blaming or refuses to see your perspective, then I don’t see how you can have a decent relationship going forward

So you feel embarrassed in front of your friends as she wasn't acting in a way that put you in a good light. It doesn't sound like you're caring about her feelings.

I'm sorry but depression can be so severe that the person self harms, never washes, never eats and never leaves the house for years. If you can't handle someone being quiet in a pub as it's so socially embarrassing for you then you should part ways with her.