AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

It's manipulation because she's not saying what she wants and then she goes along anyway and behaves badly, sulking and upsetting you and friends and then getting annoyed with you, which equals "It's all your fault!" That is making you responsible for her and for her bad behaviour and whatever feelings underlie this performance of mood and ill temper at the pub.

Some people do that in a relationship: here, take me and take responsibility for me. It's like a helpless child. And it's like a place of safety where they presume they can take you for granted and let you bear the sulks and anger. The burden of being her may be too much for her to bear. That's not your fault, though. And the burden of her being her may be too much for you to bear. Maybe you need to reflect on how you got involved, why you are with her and what your own needs are in a relationship.

This sounds really tricky for a new relationship!! She has depression and doesn’t work. What is this relationship going to look like long term?

But you do see it I think?
Her behaviour is troubling you to the extent you’re posting on here.

Does she have anxiety as well as depression?
My daughter behaves like this sometimes, it's when she's overall having a low patch, then the anxiety ramps up, then this behaviour while out in public occurs when she's desperately trying to hold in a panic attack. She explains that she is concentrating SO HARD on trying to just breathe through her airways that feel like they are closing, that she simply cannot do ANYthing else- no smiles, no conversation, nothing. She says that she knows that as soon as she opens her mouth to talk or do whatever it is she knows she is expected to do, the panic attack will take hold, she will hyperventilate, cry, and cause a scene (unintentionally!).

That being said, yes, I do find it awfully embarrassing, and more than that, i find it SO stressful that people are looking at her thinking she's a stuck up bitch (her concentrating face is NOT a friendly one lol). Because she's not a stuck up bitch! She's a wonderful person, and when well, she is a popular social butterfly that everyone is drawn to. So I really hate thinking that people are thinking badly of her.
Once she articulated the above ^^ with me, I felt a bit better, and sometimes if I can see the person is confused and they know her and are concerned about her, I will quietly let them know that she is having a "down day"/"been very anxious lately".

As for why your GF went out in the first place, well yes, usually my daughter will make excuses to try and stay home and avoid the situation completely. But I'm wondering if your girlfriend was trying to be a 'good girlfriend' and not ditch you/your plans, maybe she thought you'd be disappointed if she wanted to stay home. You also mentioned that you said you could both just cancel, but maybe she didn't want to ruin your plans. So maybe next time offer to cancel AND offer for her to stay home by herself? (provided she is not at risk of self harm).

The difference between my daughter and your GF though, is that my daughter will be very open (afterwards) about her feelings, and will actively work on a plan of how to manage these situations better next time. Something that your GF doesn't seem to have done so far. Which makes it pretty impossible for you to move forward. (FYI telling her you won't go to the pub until she actively asks is really unfair! That's so so much pressure for an anxious person!).

And at the end of the day, this is just a girlfriend. You are not obliged to stay with her. Can you really be bothered feeling like this for the rest of your life? It's up to you to decide if you can tolerate her moods long term, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you decided against it.

Sorry for the essay, but you sound very caring and keen to understand your GF, and so I just wanted to give you some insight from my articulate child who displays the same kind of mood.

I am struggling to see her as calculating. That to me means she did this on purpose to get a reaction/see how I would react.

Well, of course she did it on purpose to get a reaction. That’s very obvious. She was sulking for exactly the same reason a child sulks - she wanted everyone to know she was annoyed and she wanted to ruin your evening. She’s controlling you through her behaviour.

I’m honestly astonished (and also quite concerned) that you can’t see how manipulative her behaviour was. She behaved appallingly and then gaslit you by telling you that you were the one at fault.

I don’t think you answered my earlier question re. whether you’re the same poster whose girlfriend kicked off when you were out for longer than expected on a day when you weren’t even together. If you’re not, the similarity is truly uncanny (two women, used to be friends but now a couple, one is a regular at her local pub and has a close male friend there, the girlfriend doesn’t work but sells a few bits online). If you are, then it’s even more obvious that your girlfriend is extremely controlling and difficult.

I can tell you one thing OP, I would be out of there. Honestly much too much drama. I’d be happier on my own. I’d want to be treated with respect and I really wouldn’t care about the reason why she can’t do that.
She’s not my child that I need to care for come what may. I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour from a partner of a few months. Why would I do that to myself?

She sounds like quite hard work

OP I think you sound lovely and the only thing you did wrong IMO was pandering to her too much. I agree it sounds manipulative and performative and I couldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour. MH issues or not. I’m no stranger to depression and anxiety but I’d never make it someone else’s problem

She didn't have to go. There was nothing stopping her staying where she was and @Malloryknoxsnose going for a drink with her friend. Her behaviour was manipulative. She knew she would make the atmosphere awkward. Her behaviour afterwards, questioning OPs love repeatedly and accusing her of not being supportive, is more manipulation. She didn’t tell OP there was anything wrong.

I hope you have ended the relationship @Malloryknoxsnose

She obviously didn’t want to go but knew it would be awkward to cancel last minute on your friend so forced herself to. When she got there, she realised how bad she felt and wanted to abort mission but probably internally felt conflicted because she knew it would look bad if she left. Obviously she also made herself look bad being cold to everyone so she didn’t really make the situation any better…

Somehow I missed your ages. I assumed you were both very young by your girlfriend’s behaviour. I would sack this off. A middle-aged woman who has not yet learned to use her words is not somebody I could he arsed with even in a friendship capacity.

She was rude and thoughtless. In her 40s, she isn't a young woman who doesn't know better and doesn't understand social etiquette. She made you and everyone else feel a bit confused and awkward. I would have limited patience with this me me behaviour.

YANBU. Your girlfriend’s behaviour would have pissed me off. She could have used her words from the start to say she rather would not go instead of agreeing to go and then being moody.

She sounds like hard work.

Yeah, me too. I'm sorry you don't like me pointing out that it's not fair or reasonable to mention that maybe GF didn't want to go out on a Sunday night, wait for the OP to put in a paragraph responding to that and then tell her off because the day of the week is apparently irrelevant.

Gosh, so many people refusing to acknowledge that a grown ass woman should be responsible for communicating her feelings.

You did nothing wrong OP and you sound very considerate. Been her. Too much hard work.

I don’t know but I’m really glad you’re here to analyse and pick up on my choice of wording.

In which you said "She clearly didn’t want to go out at 9pm on a Sunday night". Why did you specify Sunday then if it isn't relevant?

OP was responding to my message. I was continuing that chain.

Again, some people suggested early in the thread that she might not have wanted to go out on Sunday as many people don't due to having work on Monday morning. As an explanation for her mood.

Absolutely. I can't find any negative reference to people who don't work in your posts. Any sniff for the professionally offended though and they'll pounce!
For some people you are automatically in the wrong because you are the OP.

It’s irrelevant that she didn’t have work the next day. Some people are low energy and are less interested in going out at 9pm, any day of the week.