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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

258 replies

Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 13:15

I am in a quite new relationship ( a few months) albeit have known this person a long time (around 5-6 years).

We've just spent a weekend together.

We planned the weekend, went out for the day on Saturday looking around a new city, and Sunday night we were just going to go to the pub near me for some drinks with a friend of mine. This is a pub I have a close connection to, I go in there on my way home from work, help organise events for them, I know most of the regulars and all the bar staff, she has been in there with me many times and always seemed happy there, has met most of my 'pub friends' and always had a good chat with them, all fine.

Sunday evening we were sitting watching TV and I said 'right, I will go and get myself ready' and she seemed surprised and asked 'for what?!' I reminded her that we were going to the pub to meet my friend.

She said she didn't know we were going and I reminded her that I had told her, but also said that if she didn't feel like it that was fine, I could cancel. She said it was okay and we both got ready and went. We got there around 9pm and the pub shuts at 1030pm, it wasn't going to be a long night(if relevant)!

When we got to the pub she was very quiet. I asked what she wanted to drink, she said she didn't want one. I was obviously surprised at this but tried to not make a big deal of it. Barman knows what she usually drinks and asked 'are you sure' and was also surprised, I asked if she wanted a soft drink instead, she said no.

My friend arrived and him and my girlfriend have a particular interest in 'real ales' and often spend time trying new ones and discussing them and he was telling her enthusiastically about the new one the pub had, and she barely grunted at him. He thinks a lot of her, we've spent time at events together and was very happy when we got together and was visibly confused.

I was half way through my glass of wine when I asked her if she wanted to leave, I could drive her straight back home if I didn't finish it, and she said no It's fine, to stay.

I was obviously worried about her and embarrassed but I didn't know what to do. At one point she took herself off in another room for a while, and then when she went to the loo my friend asked what was wrong with her, had we fallen out? I said no, nothing and I had no idea what was wrong.

I kept asking her if she was okay, had I done something wrong and she just shook her head and wouldn't speak to me.

We had two more drinks in total but, after I had finished my second one (she hadn't had one at all at this point) I went to the loo and when I came back she had bought herself one but not me. I felt that this must have really meant she was upset with me for some reason and we left shortly following. We were sitting at the bar and I was noticing the bar staff looking at me try to work out what was wrong.

We talked a little when we got home, and she said she'd felt like crying all day, was very down and didn't know why. She was upset that I cared more about other people than her (as I had mentioned people had noticed and were asking me what was wrong). This isn't true at all! But I did find her behaviour very odd, and if I am honest, rude. She left yesterday after asking me to take her for lunch, where we did discuss some things again and she said she just didn't understand 'pub etiquette' hence her not buying me a drink when she bought her own. I said I wasn't concerned really about that particular small thing overall, but it looks weird to bar staff and isn't a very nice thing to do to me.

I am not completely naive regarding depression. I have suffered myself, but I wouldn't ever behave like this. AIBU to be feeling like this? What would others have done in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 14:35

howshouldibehave · 31/03/2026 14:32

As someone whose husband suffered from depression when our children was young, it was extremely difficult (for him and us) and would find this very hard work in a new relationship-it might put me off continuing the relationship altogether, to be honest.

I am sorry you went through that, I don't have children and cannot imagine how hard that would be. What would be the reasons for you to be put off?

I understand she was struggling (that was obvious and I did offer to take us both back home, and tried to figure out what was wrong) but I struggled too and I didn't know what on earth to say to my friend who was looking forward to seeing us both, or the bar staff who know me well and were happy I'd found a new relationship. Very awkward for me.

I guess the best thing to do here is to not ask her to go out socialising unless she actively suggests it but, when I said that I would do this just with regards to my local pub, she was upset and said I was punishing her. Sad

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 31/03/2026 14:32

As someone whose husband suffered from depression when our children was young, it was extremely difficult (for him and us) and would find this very hard work in a new relationship-it might put me off continuing the relationship altogether, to be honest.

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 14:26

smallglassbottle · 31/03/2026 14:23

This is perfectly normal for depression. Avoiding social situations and not being able to chat are both symptoms. Perhaps depression isn't what you believe it to be. It's not necessarily about low mood or sitting in the corner crying. It involves cognitive symptoms and avoiding things that require the person to put any effort in.

It sounds like you're judging her by referring to her 'behaviour', and perhaps you regard her like a parent would regard a naughty child. This in itself will make her depression worse. Perhaps you're not compatible. Depression can oftentimes only be managed, as opposed to cured.

I wouldn't have minded if she had have said she didn't want to go out. I don't know if I am judging, I am not sure what else I would use to describe it?

She's supported me through my suffering from depression a few times but, it hasn't ever involved socialising/not socialising as she lives far from me and doesn't really go out anywhere involving people.

OP posts:
smallglassbottle · 31/03/2026 14:23

This is perfectly normal for depression. Avoiding social situations and not being able to chat are both symptoms. Perhaps depression isn't what you believe it to be. It's not necessarily about low mood or sitting in the corner crying. It involves cognitive symptoms and avoiding things that require the person to put any effort in.

It sounds like you're judging her by referring to her 'behaviour', and perhaps you regard her like a parent would regard a naughty child. This in itself will make her depression worse. Perhaps you're not compatible. Depression can oftentimes only be managed, as opposed to cured.

Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 14:22

SillyQuail · 31/03/2026 14:04

I've had bouts of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I can imagine exes of mine earlier in my life having written similar things about my behaviour on occasion when I was feeling insecure about a relationship and struggling to say what I actually wanted. I'd be willing to bet she wanted a quiet night in but didn't feel like she could say that because you'd decide she was boring. Close relationships were actually a major anxiety trigger for me, hence my behaviour getting weirder the more serious things got. If you care about her, encourage her to get help and see a therapist, but don't feel obliged to continue the relationship if it's not working for you. If you can though, offer to support her as a friend regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not.

Yes, we were close friends before getting together. I wouldn't have said she was boring!
We stayed in Fri and Saturday night together.

Thank you for your insight. I am anxious about it all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Malloryknoxsnose · 31/03/2026 14:19

Iheartlibrarians · 31/03/2026 14:04

YABU. You made her feel picked on when she was obviously not feeling her best and didn't really want to be there. Even now, you're judging- calling her rude and saying you wouldn't "ever behave like this". Like what? Quiet? Buying herself a drink because everyone had been pressuring her to have one since she got there, but not getting you one because you'd already had two? Even if that might have seemed slightly thoughtless, you do seem to have taken disproportionate offence.

There's lots in here about her getting to know your friends- you don't say whether you've spent an equal amount of time with hers. Even if you have, socialising with a newish partner's friends isn't as easy or natural as seeing your own- you're always going to feel that you're being judged, and here you've added to that by scrutinising her mood all the time you were there, and then criticising her afterwards.

She should perhaps have stayed at home, or said when you first made the plan that she didn't fancy joining you (people can be grumpy on Sunday nights at the best of times!). But it can be hard to be honest during the earlyish stages of a relationship- and in all honesty I don't think you've made it any easier.

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation how you spend time together- do you maybe live in different places, and that's why you're doing whole weekends together where one of you goes to the other's home, which can be quite intense? Either way, it seems like she might be someone who needs a bit more downtime at the end of a weekend, and needs to be able to say when her social flame is burning low. If you like her, you need to try and understand instead of rushing to tell her where she's gone wrong- I don't think your relationship will survive if you keep doing that.

Edited

I mean, if I wasn't feeling down, I wouldn't have agreed to go and would have said, if someone had offered for us to not go.

If I was out as a couple, I wouldn't ever buy myself a drink without offering to see if my partner wanted one first.

She hasn't got any friends she spends time with, I am happy to do what she wants if I am in her vicinity though. Of the friend who was there last night, he has taken us to events before as a couple, even before we were together (I think I mentioned this in the OP.

If it is helpful, she doesn't work (if this is what the 'grumpy on a Sunday night' thing could mean?

I have listened to her about Sunday night. And have asked her since if she has worked out what was wrong and/or wants to talk about it but she said she hasn't and doesn't.
And have concluded that we won't go to the pub unless she actively tells me she wants to go (she was upset with me for saying this too!) but it has made me wary about organising anything with her. Yes, we do live far apart but she prefers to visit me rather than the other way around.

OP posts:
SillyQuail · 31/03/2026 14:04

I've had bouts of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and I can imagine exes of mine earlier in my life having written similar things about my behaviour on occasion when I was feeling insecure about a relationship and struggling to say what I actually wanted. I'd be willing to bet she wanted a quiet night in but didn't feel like she could say that because you'd decide she was boring. Close relationships were actually a major anxiety trigger for me, hence my behaviour getting weirder the more serious things got. If you care about her, encourage her to get help and see a therapist, but don't feel obliged to continue the relationship if it's not working for you. If you can though, offer to support her as a friend regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not.

Iheartlibrarians · 31/03/2026 14:04

YABU. You made her feel picked on when she was obviously not feeling her best and didn't really want to be there. Even now, you're judging- calling her rude and saying you wouldn't "ever behave like this". Like what? Quiet? Buying herself a drink because everyone had been pressuring her to have one since she got there, but not getting you one because you'd already had two? Even if that might have seemed slightly thoughtless, you do seem to have taken disproportionate offence.

There's lots in here about her getting to know your friends- you don't say whether you've spent an equal amount of time with hers. Even if you have, socialising with a newish partner's friends isn't as easy or natural as seeing your own- you're always going to feel that you're being judged, and here you've added to that by scrutinising her mood all the time you were there, and then criticising her afterwards.

She should perhaps have stayed at home, or said when you first made the plan that she didn't fancy joining you (people can be grumpy on Sunday nights at the best of times!). But it can be hard to be honest during the earlyish stages of a relationship- and in all honesty I don't think you've made it any easier.

It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation how you spend time together- do you maybe live in different places, and that's why you're doing whole weekends together where one of you goes to the other's home, which can be quite intense? Either way, it seems like she might be someone who needs a bit more downtime at the end of a weekend, and needs to be able to say when her social flame is burning low. If you like her, you need to try and understand instead of rushing to tell her where she's gone wrong- I don't think your relationship will survive if you keep doing that.