AIBU to be upset about this situation? GF suffers from depression. Sorry, long.

That's exactly how I feel it should be!

I dated a wealthy woman once, far so much more in 'liquid assets' than me. I couldn't necessarily afford to pay what she paid, but I made sure I paid my way! I might not be able to take her out to dinner as regularly as she could me, but I am a good cook and have decent taste in wine. I am confident that it wasn't ever a problem. We only dated briefly but parted on good terms and our reasons for not continuing weren't anything to do with money.

That's true!

I have thought similar myself, that she doesn't like going out and doing things as a rule. She goes out for her hobby, shopping, and the occasional other day out. Since we've been together, we've been out for dinner, drinks, gigs (got Ubers to/from the gig as not walking distance, nowhere to park anywhere near it either), shows, museums, hotels (I have just remembered another one I paid for!)a guided city tour etc etc, lots of different things.

Before I began thinking differently I was thinking of just making sure we don't go out from now on. Which is fine, I mean I enjoy staying in and cooking and having a bottle of wine and watching TV etc too, we don't have to go out.

Part of me thinks perhaps she sees it as I am the one who wants to go out, so it should be me who pays?

I wouldn't be like this. If someone invited me to go to a gig with them, even if it isn't something I'd normally choose, I'd offer the money for the ticket. If they said 'no, it is on me!' then fine, but I would definitely offer and I would definitely not assume transport costs were for them to pay too.

As for how it became that way, the first time we stayed in a hotel it was that we decided to meet half way between us to discuss progressing our relationship to more than friends. I figured that with other commitments it might be a bit of a squeeze so suggested we stay over. My idea, and me who couldn't get there until later I wanted, so I paid.

Second time, a 'do' aforementioned lovely friend organised and invited us to. I figured the hotel would cost the same whether it was just me or both of us so I paid.
Maybe I set the precedent?
But if it were the other way around I would've never taken it that way. But then I'd have offered up half for the hotel too.

It's funny because I dated a woman briefly a couple of years ago who for one weekend (the last one I saw her) expected me to pay for everything we did and gf was very vocal about how wrong that was.

For various practical reasons me visiting there more would be trickier for both of us.

You're right, any discussions that aren't very lighthearted, I am having to think through now. Things that I feel a harmonious partnership should be able to talk through and fix calmly.

I am sorry to say I've avoided talking to her yet. I am not sure what to say and I do have a conflict avoidance streak. I may have had it in childhood but I'm inclined to think 'if my boss spoke to me like that she'd be up for disciplinary! Why should you get away with it?'.

I really thought that as we worked so well as friend and had feelings, that it was a good basis for a relationship. Lesson learned.

Thank you, I should know that really! I just feel like I've gone on and on!

I am finding it awkward! I mean, if someone booked an uber to somewhere for me and them I'd say 'shall I give you half or shall I just pay on the way back' or something. It's important to be fair, surely? It's really surprised me that she's been like this, I haven't known her be like this ever before.

At meals out, bill comes and she says nothing at all. I am always the one who drives us (or sorts transport out if we're drinking or some other reason I am not driving). It's as if it is totally a given that she doesn't contribute. I find it quite weird!

I didn't mention it but I have also taken her out/away for her birthday in the time we've been together, of course in this event it is totally normal for me to pay, but overall it adds to how much I have done/paid for. I drove us there and organised everything, was happy to.

Of the event, again it is occupying so much headspace. The night before last she was again, ranting at me about it and I was ready to sleep, I couldn't' be of much use. One thing that sticks out is 'I have NEVER been made to be around someone's ex!'

I have, several times had call to be in the same vicinity as someone's ex but, maybe I am overly easy going? I just, didn't give it a thought, paths cross, people have mutual friends/kids/do the same things. Maybe it isn't normal.

My feelings on this event are 'lovely get together to remember (friend) and see everyone else who valued him'. There'll be some sad moments perhaps, but I was looking forward to it.

I feel like all of this drama has been added on.

I am not going to say you're wrong about her perhaps causing drama at the actual thing either. I can't think how, but...

Yes,I understand what you mean. As I said, fascinating but so dark in some ways. Our brains are our worst enemy. I am of course now wondering what I do along the lines you mention. I am sure there are some that aren't so great, in every one of us. I just try to be understanding of differences and respectful of feelings even if I will never understand them.

My Dad had an awful childhood. Mine most definitely 'fucked me up' even though it wasn't anywhere near as bad.

That poem is genius.

I hope Philip Larkin's parents are proud 😉

I am just conscious of having already taken up a lot of time/space for people!

One thing is money, which I totally understand many will think 'Well, you knew she didn't work' and yes, I did. But there's a 'however' and it is that if money ever came up in the past (before we were together) she would repeatedly say how she's always got enough money for what she needs/wants, she can always afford whatever she needs to do, she's scoffed at people who I have mentioned who have been 'tight' or people she knows who have got debt, and said she always pays her way and that's so cheeky etc etc. When we were friends, we'd go out and do things and I never noticed her expect me to pay for everything. In fact, me, her and another friend went out once and other friend mentioned she'd pay and she got rather offended and said 'why's everyone assume I haven't got any money?!'.Essentially she has always perpetuated that she makes and has enough money and that it isn't ever a problem.

Come to think of it, I invited her to a quite impromptu 'naice' dinner once and she bought a new outfit for it without much ado, I mean, I work and have assets but being a single income household, I wouldn't necessarily be able to fork out for a new dress etc with a few days notice every time. I know a lot of people are struggling, but she insisted she isn't.

I seem to be paying for more or less everything we do however, and I cannot get my head around whether it is fair, because she is the one always visiting me, is this just 'what you do'? I have visited her once and she did indeed pay for dinner then. But when she's been here we've been out for dinner a couple of times, to a gig, we've stayed over in a hotel and had dinner there, taxis to places etc all seem to be on me. If this continues, her always visiting me and me paying for everything that just doesn't feel right to me. At meals out she'll assume it is just a given that I am paying. I have the uber app and no offer to pay her share.

The other is a bit more complex.

There's a 'do' in my village for an old friend who died. Like a fundraiser type thing. It's quite a big thing as he was very popular, friends/family/acquaintances, an all day event.

My ex knew friend well and wants to come. I get on fine with my ex. I also literally cannot stop her coming to a public event nor would I try to.

Gf hates ex and I will say, with good reason. She wasn't good to me. She was abusive in fact. But nonetheless, it is what it is, it was years ago, she's apologised, has actually been very helpful to me in certain ways since. I can't do anything about it and I am fine with her, have made peace with the past. I am not the least bit concerned in her company.

GF also knew friend, and is coming and is very very angry about her being there. Doesn't want to be near her, is not happy to be in this position. So many conversations about it so far, I noted I was a bit afraid of telling her, but I know this is my fault as I have told gf about a lot of things that happened, and I am so so tired today because last night I rang her to say goodnight and was on the phone well over an hour trying to help her with this. I couldn't really get anywhere however, every solution I gave was wrong, and she was very 'charged' while talking about it, quite angry at one point. In the end I had to apologise and say I had work in the morning and needed to go. I couldn't sleep and ended up sitting in bed at 01:00 with a large glass of wine and a book in an attempt to wind down. I realise this is on me, but I find it all so unnecessary.

It is an event for someone who died, but it is also meant to be a happy event.

We're adults.

I am wondering about whether something is going to go awry at said event and/or she'll be angry with me if I interact with ex at all, I don't plan to spend the day sitting with her of course, but I would ordinarily say hello to her and have a bit of a chat. Which is what I meant by it being my fault in some ways that this has happened.

You're very kind to apologise, no need to, but thank you.

I just find the whole thing a bit 'they walk among us'.

It is that this could be going on with her (and I assume it could be a whole myriad of other things too/as well!) while presenting (for years sometimes, evidently) as perfectly reasonable, normal people without any ill intent or dark pathologies about them.

I have known since I was in my twenties that my Father's influence has had a detrimental affect on me and relationships, but mainly the way I have put up with far too much in the past, and been very quick to avoid anger while somehow seeming to invite it in.

Bit of a long story and unrelated to anything about this thread (actually now I have said that, perhaps not!) but I am happy to update if anyone is interested. It has just knocked me a bit, I may have been a bit stupid but I thought we'd get on fine together.

This is quite frightening!

Again, not saying you're wrong. Human psychology is as fascinating as it is dark.

Anyway, I am going to end things. Not just because of this, but a couple of other things have happened/are happening that I am very much not happy with. Totally unrelated and completely different to this one.

One of which is partly my fault but I am still feeling as if I can't handle the thing as a whole, and my own needs are mismatched with hers.

Edited to add thank you again for the help on this thread. I am obviously not great at navigating situations like this in comparison to a lot of other women.

Thank you, that is helpful.

She does have some form of social anxiety.

I was well-meaning with thinking I would just avoid the pub while she was here so she didn't feel pressured to come with me if I arranged it and therefore I wouldn't be putting her in that situation again. But I can see how it could be conversely applying pressure to her albeit for a different reason.

I think if a pub visit does come up, I will just say 'I have arranged to go to the pub tonight, you're welcome to come, if you don't feel like it that's fine'.

It feels a bit alien to me, for someone to come over to see me and then I go out and leave them, but that might be just me, and also I am not prepared to sacrifice friends. In previous relationships, now and again I wouldn't see my friends when I normally would, if me and then DP were away or out doing something different, but overall they integrated with my friends as I did with theirs.

I don't feel like giving up at this hurdle, however now we've discussed it, I will be fully on guard for a next time. It isn't something I am willing to be put through more than once.

I know this in itself isn't a huge big deal, but I like a happy life and I could see it escalating into me trying my best to help and nothing getting any better and her becoming more reliant, if it does.

I have both experienced and read up,on manipulation tactics and still find it a minefield. I wouldn't have been able to articulate that that was manipulative. I wonder what she got out of it?

For example I once got home from work to my ex and her daughter. I suggested we went out to dinner that evening. Daughter wanted to. At first ex said 'no, I can't be bothered'. Daughter was just saying 'come on Mum' etc etc and ex said 'Okay fine, we'll go out' and then as we were leaving she said 'Just remember Mallory, I have said I don't want to go.

And then she was a complete arse all night. Upset her daughter (and me!) greatly and eventually stormed off. I can see how THAT is manipulation. And not too dissimilar a situation.

My dad (a massive abusive twat, also with depression although he'd never admit it!) spoils for arguments. He'll set someone up to anger him, when it could be solved with a simple phone call or conversation.

E.G I once arranged to pick up my Gran to take her to a party. Dad wasn't meant to be going to it. I rang Gran to ask if it was okay if I picked her up a bit later, I had something to do but it could wait if she was bothered. She said no problem. My Dad rang her shortly after to see what time we'd get there.

When we got there, Dad was LIVID with me because I had missed a part of the party that he'd set up. Now had he rang me once he decided he was going and said can I please be there at X time, that'd have been fine. I have a million examples of his manipulation tactics!

I honestly thought about it quite deeply. I had been put off by the not working thing, but then every other woman I've dated has worked, ranging from 'a job' to some in very profitable professional careers. All of them ended, some badly. I felt it couldn't do any harm to try someone with a different lifestyle to mine. I knew she had depression, and I felt I could be empathic enough and knew her well enough for that to be something that we could work with.

Whatever happened on the night this thread concerns, and her angry, dismissive reaction to my upset is (probably, it seems) unrelated to either of those things.

Long-term, I suppose I saw that if it worked we'd eventually live together, I would still work, she could contribute financially and to housework/life admin in a way that was fair, and things could be fine. Some couples operate well in that way.