To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

Even if the baby has no naps at all (and given that the OP is on maternity leave, I assume baby is less than a year!!) then the children must both sleep some time.

I think all of us are in agreement that the grandparents are being very annoying by offering to come but then changing times and being unreliable. But it’s also strange that the OP doesn’t seem able to contemplate having a bath once a week unless the grandparents are there to take charge of the kids.
there are ways around this: have a bath when the partner is home. Have a bath when the kids are asleep.

The OP said the grandparents are fine with fixed things like doctors appointment and KIT work days which is actually really helpful and more than many parents get. Maybe keep them onside for the fact they already offer this and just work around the other things.

Have a bath when your DH is home. You and your DH chose to have two young children.

YABU - it would be different if you were working and needed to rely on your parents for childcare on a specific day. I rely on my mum (who works) one day a week because I work and need childcare. I would feel like a CF asking her to have my child every week just so I could have a break.

Just a quick reminder that not all children “nap”!!
What’s more, some won’t be confined to a cot or bed either.

It’s both, might be your honest opinion but you are still being horrible for the sake of it.

I think this is a real risk.

Rather than raising it directly, the next few times they do this last minute trick, just say "I'm sorry, it is too short notice today." See if they learn that the last minute arrangements get a refusal.

Ultimately, I think realistically something is better than nothing OP? And it is nice for the dc.

Honest, not horrible.

Fixed your typo 😂

Then why say it if you no you are just being horrible?

Why on earth do you so desperately “need a break” when you’re on mat leave with a toddler who is at nursery part time and a baby who presumably still naps? It may be just me but as a single parent with no support I struggle to see how this is so tough?

I know im probably gojng to get flamed for this 😬

I remember how much of a gut punch it felt to think there was a little break looming, and then get let down, because it’s such a relentless phase of life when you’re juggling so much.

I’d have actually preferred not have the break at all than have my hopes built up, and dashed. I just didn’t have spare energy in my tank for disappointment.

If that’s where you’re at, it might be worth rethinking your priorities. Let them take the dc now and then (it’s important for your dc to build relationships) but only schedule it when you are in a good place, and not run ragged. Think of it as another opportunity you facilitate for your dc, rather than something for you. Work the arrangements with your schedule and capacity in mind, not putting their convenience and whims first. If they hit up against a few “that doesn’t work for us, sorry” they may naturally treat those times as a higher priority. But don’t do it to try and manipulate them - just find and safeguard your own boundaries.

I honestly never understand when other mums say they don't have time to bathe, wash exercise or have a break (unless their children need 24/7 supervision for medical or additional needs). I genuinely don't. Mum of 2 myself with a DH who is away frequently and at length for work.

Presumably when the kids are in bed - you can stick your feet up and watch TV, take a bath or shower, read a book and light a candle, do a puzzle or go to bed early until the baby's first night waking. Presumably when eldest is at nursery 2 days, you'll also have baby nap times (2 or 3 probably) to chill and take a break then too.

And if you're not using these times to take a break and you're instead doing housework that whole time - then you have a partner problem.

Let the grandparents be flaky grandparents - they're retired after all so they can be as flaky as they like, don't expect them to be reliable for any 'nice to have' childcare, only the 'need to have' childcare like if you have medical appts that you absolutely can't bring kids along to.

YANB entirely U but perhaps shifting your mindset just a little might help.

Last minute offers - accept if it suits you, say no if it doesnt.

Last minute flakiness - that is annoying. How often is it happening? If its frequent, then I'm not sure you have much to lose by raising it.

It is true no one owes you childcare. But if you offer something, you should do it! I once had a coworker I covered a lot for when she needed help. When I found out my oldest was ill and would be needing tests, she said she'd help-I said thanks and asked which days she could do, so I could let the manager know (bring solutions, not problems!), and she wittered on about all the other things she had planned on days off, eventually offering nothing. Which is fine, but don't offer if you don't mean it!
As yours are family, I would sit down and talk about how annoying they're being, and that while they are not obliged to offer childcare, as grandparents it's understandable they would. But the worst of all is to offer and let down, so they either commit, or stop talking about it.

My mum is like this - hypothetical offers to look after the children, but then when I did ask, she was always busy. Having no help at all is easier than fake offers - they get your hopes up, only to feel let down. And that emotional roller coaster is really damaging. So now, i expect nothing. I still get nothing, but there's no feeling of being let down. So while it's a sad realisation to come to, i'd suggest removing any expectation of help that will never materialise.

If they offer, just decline and tell them why: because they keep cancelling or changing the time and that doesn’t work for you.

If they care, they'll change their behaviour. Otherwise, you just move on and book sitters etc. Many people manage without any additional help - it’s not easy - but we do it. It’s just crushing because they led you to believe they would help.

I think (without wanting to second-guess the OP) that an issue with some of our parents' generation is that no, they do not remember that with small children you need to know timings!

My parents were right in the middle of that 80s, slightly hippy phrase; the idea of strict nap times really surprises them (just as an example), and because my mum didn't work for a long time (like a lot of mums with preschool children), she remembers the stress of having children to care for, but she doesn't have much memory of anything being very time-crucial.

I also think that it can be an adjustment for parents to realise their children lead busier lives than they do.

This absolutely.

I’d still speak to them, even if it puts them off offering, at least it won’t get your hopes up. Even if you start asking them to have the kids they may still let you down last minute so I’d just be upfront in the politest way possible.

Can you carve out a bit of time for that when your partner is around? Or when the older one is at nursery and baby napping/ safely in seat with toys where you can watch them? I totally get that it’s frustrating when your parents are unreliable but I don’t see why you need them to be there for you to have a bath!

I think you need to speak to them honestly (or your partner should in the case of his parents).

”It’s lovely that you offer to help, and we don’t expect it at all. Would you mind not offering to help until you’re sure that you can, and can tell me a definite time? I’m happy to work around you, but I’m sure you’ll remember that will small children you need to know what timings you’re working to.”

Just be more precise with asking for set times if it matters.

You have a hair appointment, dentist check up, and have to leave at XX time etc.

If it matters phone the day before and check, absolutely, that their plans have not changed and explain why it is important.

For other casual drop in visits have something in the wings -like taking a bath while your parents take the kids to the park.

You can talk to your own parents without offending them.
Remember to thank them for their efforts and tell them how much a long bath refreshes you etc..

I don't think it is cheeky.

They sound well-meaning but just a bit out of touch. My parents can be a bit like this with my brother's children - they'd love to see them, but they are confused by the idea that they can't just show up whenever. When my mum had small children I think she had quite a hard time in some ways (not much help from my dad!), but the difference was that she wasn't working for years, and most people in her social circle didn't send their children to nursery, so you expected to poddle through the pre-school days. You might go out to playgroup or something, but you weren't as routine-governed as we mostly are now, even on mat leave.

I'm usually the first to say that grandparents shouldn't be expected to offer childcare to babysitting, but if they do offer of their own volition then (baring illness or emergencies) they should honour it. You either need to stop asking and pay for babysitting or have a frank talk with them. Tell them that you can't make any plans if they keep moving the goal posts. But obviously phrase it more diplomatically than that!