To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

It's the way you phrase it that matters " Mum, Dad, thanks for the offer but to be fair you've cancelled or changed the details the last three times so I'm not sure this is working."

That sounds far more factual than " you need to be better" people cant argue with fact.

Just say to them. Please don't offer to take the kids unless you are ok sticking to the plan, it makes it hard for me to plan our days.

As someone who had no help whosoever and had to take me baby and a toddler with me for my six weekly check up.

I would just make plans and forget about getting any help from them. If they really want to see your children and help you out they will realise you and they have a life and if they arrange to see the kids and look after the kids on say Tuesday afternoon and cancel last minute they can’t expect you to drop everything and cancel softplay or a play date because Wednesday now works best for them. They will get the message. Think of the saying if they wanted to they would and unfortunately equally if they don’t want to they won’t.

I think you need to act and make decisions at all times as though you don’t have them for childcare. They want to see them and look after them but it all has to be on their terms, which I couldn’t be doing with.

Absolutely don’t rely on them for any childcare you need while you work because they will let them down. An ad hoc arrangement would never work there.

Spot the posters who haven't bothered to read the OP!

Its gospel here that you don't take grandparental care for granted, and OP is quite obviously not doing that.

I agree, that this chopping and changing, cancelling at last minute is utterly useless, and is more trouble to deal with than no help at all. I would be tempted to refuse any of these offers, and if it's queried, explain why it doesn't work for you.

But the help you are getting at the moment is not helpful to you.

I think that if you want consistency you need to stop accepting and tell them why. They will either shape up or stop.

I think that type of flakiness is really rude.
Better they don't offer IMO.
I don't do flaky people though.

But it's not the DC being let down, they're too young to care. It's the OP that feels let down by expecting help. I think this response is totally out of whack and unfair on the GPs who's prerogative it is to change their plans based on the weather just because they can.

An hour in the bath? Seriously?! Nothing about that sounds relaxing. Unless you like cold baths...each to their own.

I think the take home message, from your responses to posts is - just don't get your hopes up. Expect nothing from the DGPs, then you won't be disappointed.

That is terrible! Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I am a believer that if you promise help like this, you should do it unless you are unwell. These are their grandchildren and to let them down like this is very poor. I think the next time they cancel on your children, I would explain clearly that they have let them and you down and how hurtful it is and tell them that if they are not careful they risk destroying any close relationship with their grandchildren.

Would you say that they let you down more often than not?

When they come to visit you would they take the kids out for an hour so you could have some peace that way?

Or you nip out for a coffee for half an hour or something?

They probably don't want to offer a regular day/time so they can have flexibility around other plans in their retirement. Maybe you could approach them and see if they could maybe do 2 half days a week, with a rough schedule, but say to them if you have any plans come up let you know and you can rearrange.

Committing to a specific time is probably a step too far given what they've said, but a rough schedule to give you a break, as long as you are prepared to stay a bit relaxed around that, could give you a bit more time for yourself.

Or chat on a Sunday or something about when works for them in that coming week or two.

I would be very grateful that you have the option, we live too far away for regular care, but even irregular has at best seemed reluctant, and honestly in practice has been a few times in 11 years. But understandably there is some hesitation from your side to constantly be asking, so an informal arrangement of a few hours/morning a couple of times a week may give you a bit more time to yourself, helps them build that relationship with their grandchildren, but without over committing them beyond what they are prepared to help with.

It's an unfortunate thing but grandparents do quite often frame seeing their grandchildren as "wanting to give parents a break" but then making that break entirely down to the grandparents' schedule. You need to unpack this and talk it through with them. As parents, you are not on standby to provide access to grandchildren as and when the desire takes grandparents on a whim.

The cancelling is very annoying, I'd find that frustrating. The last minute thing? That's no bother, just accept the ones you want and turn down the ones you don't.

"Sorry, Mum and Dad, that doesn't suit us today, but would you like to come over tomorrow morning?"

For very flaky people I find it easier to assume they won't turn up and it's nice if they do. I had a couple of friends like that, and I would get on with my day rather than rely on them appearing when they said. Otherwise I got too annoyed by it and on balance their company was worth the inconvenience.

That is really really frustrating! My MIL is similar except sometimes she’ll show up and tell DH and I to go out (romantic groceries or once for bubble tea) and then half the time she gives us the kids back before we have our shoes on to leave.

I am so glad they cover doctor’s appointments. I think for anything else, don’t believe it until they arrive. Getting your hopes up is crushing you.

They are being unreliable and it’s so hurtful

My mum would say she was coming at 12 - id think great we can have lunch when she gets here. I was attached to a Velcro baby. She’d then not arrive until 3, by which point I was a starving breastfeeding raving lunatic. And then she’d have a nap.

To be fair she was recently widowed.

To solve it i booked a weekly baby class that she took baby to. She loved it (and was usually on time), baby loved it, I got an hour to myself, and if she didn’t come I was quite happy to go to the baby class myself.

Also even if you didn’t have children and they just kept flaking on coming round it would be considered really rude. The childcare element is skewing how some people see this I think. Flaking out because you have a better offer or fancy something different is really inconsiderate regardless of who you’re visiting or why.

They probably don’t realise what they’re doing is so annoying but it bloody well is! You really have my sympathy OP, people forget how intense those early baby days are and any respite is always so desperately needed. If you have a good relationship with them, next time they ask would you consider just asking them if they can definitely do it? Catch them before they flake out and perhaps politely make it clear you only want them to offer if they truly intend to do it.

I think you need to talk to them about how upsetting it is.

It would be upsetting enough if parents kept cancelling, even if they were only coming round for a coffee. Repeatedly letting you and DC down over an expected visit is not on, even without the childcare element.

Why do people pretend they can't have a bath because they have a baby? - it's just ridiculous

She isn't asking them though. They're offering and then changing or cancelling last minute.

I speak as someone who had absolutely no support from parents and am now a grandparent. I’d have killed for some support as a parent and try very hard to be a helpful grandparent. Sometimes it’s difficult as you get older to plan and tiredness and even minor chronic conditions can impact on plans. Maybe they want to be helpful but everything is that bit more exhausting and can make it harder ?