To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

A baby is too young to care but a toddler isn’t. Both my kids adored their grandparents as toddlers and would be sad at not seeing them when expected. Not for long granted, but they would be sad. And the OP feels let down because they have offered help and then rescinded.

It’s considered quite rude throughout society to cancel plans you’ve made with somebody, simply because the weather is nice and you fancy doing something else. Most people would be at least a little put out by a friend or family member or colleague dropping them so quickly, so it’s really not a stretch to extend a little empathy towards the OP here when it sounds like a regular occurrence.

This would drive me mental, again the relative I’ve just mentioned offered to take DD to the cinema, asked her what she wanted to see and said they could go on such a such day, then messaged me when she got home and said she couldn’t do that date, will have to arrange another… never did ofcourse.

Sort alternative more reliable care for a break.

Tbf even though it’s not the same I have an older child free relative who offers to look after DD on random days in the holidays. She always offers on a day that 100% suits her, seems confused if it doesn’t fit my plans and then the week before I end up practically telling her where to take DD, what to feed her, what time to pick her up. I’m sure she feels like I know better and will choose something DD likes and I AM glad of the help but sometimes it feels like harder work than DD sitting on her phone whilst I do zoom calls.

Do you think maybe it would be nice if he did?

No one is obliged to but it makes such a difference to the parents of young ones.

My two are older now so I don’t really have any remaining skin in this game. I hope I’ll help them out if they choose to have children! Ok I won’t want to do it masses, I’m honest about that, but I’ll do it sometimes and if I say I’m going to do it I will (I do always do things if I say I will).

It sounds like they are reliable for appointments but not if it's just to visit you when there is nothing planned.

Just say to them, 'please pop round at 2pm and we can all spend time together with baby and toddler and all go to the park'. There's a bit of a purpose then like there is with the doctors appointments.

My parents would never just come round to see me then I go off and leave them with my daughter. They want to see me too! A bit like you, I'd feel so cheeky!

I do try and help out dd1 and dd2 with their dc who are very young. I though am not retired, still have a dc at school and also have elderly parents. I would never let them down.

My parents were very like yours when dc were young. They only lived about 10 minutes away but dm would say she'd look after them and then have something better to do! They were much more reliable when dc got older, I just think they were not that into babies, especially dm.

Did you even read the OP?

This.
I don't have children, but my husband hasn't looked after grandchildren once in his life.
Leave them alone.

As someone who had no unpaid childcare I think you should assume they won't honour any planned offers, accept last-minute offers but only when it suits you (any break has got to be better than no break), and try to make the best of it.

It sounds like they have a different view of it being childcare to what you have. It sounds like they see it as calling in, to see all of you and possibly giving you an hour to yourself.
You are seeing it more as them coming to look after the children and definitely having the time to do your own thing.
Maybe just have a word with them about the arrangement and say you love seeing them but would like it if they could confirm so you know what you can do during that time.

Your issue seems to be reliability to stick to arrangements once they have offered ,which i can understand is annoying.
Tactful discussion of why it's important to you that they honour their arrangements with you.

Or you could read the OP. Your choice...

Oof, I can completely see why you're upset by this - it's acting like you and the kids are a bit of entertainment that they can pick up when they fancy, and abandon when a better offer comes along!

@Twooclockrock makes a very good point.

Plus, I wouldn't contact them to check they are still coming. I'd message saying 'thanks so much for offering to take them out this aft - I've been tearing my hair out. Have got my bubble baths all lined up. What time do you think you'll arrive roughly? '

Honestly just don't expect it and don't accept it. If they offer say "nah you'll just let me down and the last minute and that's more stressful."

Just write them off. You'll find life another easier.

I broke down and cried at my mum when I ws at a low point as she never ever offered help but helped my sibling all the time.
She said I never asked specifically and always seemed fine. I thought my hints were sufficient, turned out she needed me to be direct. "Mum I am really struggling this week can you please come at 2pm as I havent showered for days and I really need your help." Would have been better than my vague, "oh it would be nice to see you, oh you will pop round, thanks, that will be nice, yeah im fine, whatever fits your schedule, its up to you"
She just thought I didnt need any help at all. My sibling would block my mums calendar out and remind her several times she was going out and then turn up with the kids early, so to me it looked like my mum was helping them all the time on purpose, when it was me just being vague and saying i was fine, when I should have been direct.

I don't think you need to be confrontational to get them to think a bit more. If they offer a day or two ahead - say 'Is that definite? If so I'll arrange to see Mary / leave the ironing then I can get it done when I'm on my own'. If they cancel because it's a nice day, ask them if they've time to still swing by a couple of hrs later because you had left the shopping until they were coming and you now have no food in & can't so easily do a big shop with the two DCs in tow (or whatever other scenario you could come up with without blushing). They probably just feel they are doing something extra & nice, and forgetting how this might impact you. I would usually go for honesty rather than white lies but in a situation where they are trying to be nice I'm not sure anything critical is helpful.

Stop agreeing. No other way round it. And arrange for them to see the kids in a way that doesn't affect you if they fuck it off.

They are welcome to pop round if you know you're going to be at home for several hours, or you could always invite them to come with you if you know you're going to the park or whatever.

@Ohfudgeoff - you obviously had very easy babies.
Mine never ever went to bed in the evening alone, he screamed for hours, fed for hours and eventually would fall asleep only if being held.
If I put him in crib alone he would hold his breathe within seconds, turn blue and basic stop breathing. I took him to the doctors several times and hospital and they said it’s actually very common that young babies hold breathe!
So no, I never had a bath in the evening if dh wasn’t there as there was no free evening.
He never took a daytime nap either without being walked miles and miles.

If someone had offered to watch Ds 30 mins so I could breathe, I would have cried if they then decided not to come after offering.

I suppose they feel that they are there when needed so it's ok to not always be when not?

That said I think it's rude of them to offer then rescind.

Perhaps only accept last minute offers that suit you as they won't be taken back?

So much fixating on OP’s flippant reference to having a bath 🤯 Pretty sure it was just an example of a relaxing activity one might do with a window of childfree time…

I empathise OP, my in laws are similar. I now only assume they will actually follow through if they are standing on my doorstep.

Don’t have any advice but I just can’t understand grandparents like yours who won’t provide regular childcare or offer to help and then let you down. I am a grandma and although it’s very tiring i provide regular childcare and don’t let them down.

So they are reliable when you actually NEED childcare but not so if you want them to take the kids so you can sit in the bath for an hour?