To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

Sure, but in their entire lives so far he hasn’t even been able to spare a couple of hours to take them out to the park or the cinema, or have them over his house for a couple of hours and show them something he knows (whether it’s gardening, or fixing a car, or playing chess, whatever)? As that’s the level of “childcare” OP has described here, not being their full time childminder. Of course it takes energy, but so does everything worth doing in life. Of course it’s his choice, but he shouldn’t be surprised if his kids and grandkids don’t have much time for him when he starts to need more support either.

Proud of him?
I'm happy with the situation.
As mentioned, I'm child free and the kids would just take our time and energy.

My 2yo would definitely be upset if I told her grandma was coming and then that didn’t happen. Although in OP’s shoes I just wouldn’t ever tell her in advance 😅

No one is making them offer though!

They are choosing to offer and say they will do xyz and then change their mind last minute because they can and OP simply has to lump it.

Would you really not be annoyed if someone made plans with you and then the day of said they are doing something else and/or have something better to do?

This is probably part of problem when people have an attitude that grandparents have a duty to provide childcare and that their feelings don't count. They may feel under pressure to offer care that they don't feel comfortable with and that's why they keep backing out. It's a hell of a demand to foist a baby and a toddler on retirees who haven't had to look after children that age for a very very long time. You can't force grandparents to want to be part time carers, some people want to move overseas or travel when they retire!

My parents did this and now the kids are 19 and 16 they whinge that they don’t really know them and have no relationship with them. And it appears to be my fault!

It led to all sorts of issues. They come over and try to parent my children because they don’t understand that is not their role. I sat my Mum down and had to explain to her how to interact with my children. Anyway. Sorry. Not my post!

I can’t glean very much about them as people from the message but if you are able to frame it less as giving you a break and more about developing a relationship with their flesh and blood and talk about what they will get out of it you might find they become more interested.

And I wouldn’t feel bad about asking for a commitment of a set day. Old people love bloody routines and you can bet that every other aspect of their lives is booked in - book club, Pilates, shopping trips etc etc. And all their mates will be banging on about their grandchildren and doing stuff with theirs will give them something to talk about!

good luck

Agree 100%!!!

They shouldn’t offer then in the first place!

I swear some people seem to think certain people should get a pass for cancelling on others last minute when most people would consider it extremely rude, especially when the offer was from the cancelling party.

These grandparents will probably be the same ones moaning about how the grandchildren don’t want to come near them and/or uncomfortable around them and be baffled why.

Firstly I would talk to the grandparents. If they are not your parents perhaps talk to your partner first.

But I do think you are super lucky to have any help at all. So many of us do not and have never had any help at all. Our parents might not live close enough to help, might be sick or might be dead.

As someone with school age kids I can promise you it gets easier as they get older. You will eventually have more time to yourself. Maybe instead think about things you can do with young kids. Join baby and toddler groups if you haven’t already. I found that helped me a lot.

Or, if you say you are going to do something, then do it.

She didn’t ask. They offered. Then they didn’t do it.

This is just like my ILs. We gave up asking them and now just never rely on them for any kind of childcare.

They're flakey. Flakey people are annoying full stop.

Maybe they are just saying it because they think they should? Sort of "must do lunch?"

You make it sound like OP is unreasonable to feel frustrated about being let down, and hurt herself that she and her children so often ditched last minute for a better offer, even if the children are too young to understand. Abandoning plans last minute for a better offer is ride and hurtful in ANY circumstances, and in ANY relationship. If it was a friend, or an aunt or a cousin, everyone would automatically understand that it’s rude. It’s so strange how, when the person being let down is a young mother, normal rules of civility go out the window and she is expected to just accept being treated like she doesn’t matter…🤔

How sad for him. And you seem proud of that..? “The male loneliness crisis” lol. It’s 90% self inflicted.

Some babies only nap in your arms, and depending on their age, may only nap for 30-45 minutes at a time, which isn’t really enough time to all the things you might want to do, unlike the full 2 hours you might get if someone takes them out of the house.

It sounds very annoying, OP. I don’t speak from experience though as I have one DC who was extremely fussy and sensitive as a newborn and small toddler. DH worked a lot while I was on leave, and suddenly I was all alone with this fussing baby and no help. Now we are both full time and manage between us ok now it’s easier with childcare.

I feel for parents stuck in similar situations and more children as well. For any parent it would be great to have reliable help. It does take a village and I think for many parents it’s not quite the case.

Stop the childcare. It doesn’t work. Take it off the table.

Exactement they better start getting used to taxis!

Precisely why the OP needs to switch who they rely on for childcare if it's reliable childcare they want or are expecting. Let grandparents be grandparents. If OP knows they are flakey why bother getting toddlers hopes up in the first place.

My ExH reckons he can't even make a cup of tea when parenting. Pathetic. If I did nothing else, literally nothing else when looking after LO it is make a cup of tea esp in the morning. Even when she was days old and now she's 4.

Uber gets people from a to b… and back again . I’m sure they know that!

This is the correct response!

YABU for thinking you can rely on them at all when they said they wouldn't be reliable for this. You clearly can't rely on them, even if they offer. You need to tell them "thanks but no thanks", whenever they offer because being let down isn't on.

I've read your updates and those changed my recommendation I think.

The fact that your parents are reliable when they know you have something scheduled is key IMO. I suspect your parents are unreliable when they don't know you're relying on them because they're oblivious to how incessant and inflexible being a SAHP can actually feel. People in their earlier retired years tend to have a lot of flexibility and I'm guessing your parents are mistakenly thinking of your days as being fairly similar to theirs.

I think it's worth talking to one or both of them about it. Acknowledge how much you appreciate their help, then focus on identifying your own needs and feelings and asking if they can help you address them instead of framing it as their behavior being a problem (i.e. don't call them unreliable or similar). "With a baby and a toddler every chance to have a break or some help feels precious right now - I actually look forward to it all day when you offer to come watch the baby for a bit. I know you're not in for a regular childcare commitment and I'm not asking for more help, but when you do offer to come it really makes a big difference when we can make firm plans the morning of or day before so I can plan our day."

That’s fine so long as they don’t complain no one is visiting them in the care home or helping them when they’re no longer able to get from a and b.