To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

I,m 61, worked hard all my life, nightshifts around the clock, still working 7 days, ,mind and body shattered..the thought of grand kids is fantastic but scarey.. think its reasonable for grandparents just to do minimum or whatever suits cos they probably want their own time or are simply worn out ❤️

It's almost like they want to prioritise themselves. How utterly selfish of them.

@Nicaveron

well done! Great empathy

i don’t suppose you held down a full time job?

Just keep saying no thanks when they offer.

Well, don't offer then!

If they're older , they'll find their lives more difficult, just housework, dr appointments , hospital visits take more out of them, and leave them weary and tired . Perhaps when they're weary they know they'll be unable to cope and rather than feel they're complaining ,simply make an excuse .

YANBU . My parents did this for years, they were always late and retired and had no other plans. It was like it was such an inconvenience for them to actually show up and help out. It came came to a head (along with loads of other issues) when they were always over half an hour late to pick up my daughter for their once a month childcare (I changed my pattern at work so that I could accommodate them) so we just stopped that monthly childcare altogether and stopped asking them to help. They got upset and begged to help out again, but I said it was more stress than it was worth. What really hurt is my mother in law is the exact opposite to them, and actually wants to spend time with her grandaughter, and help us whenever she can, even travelling for miles to see her and help us out with childcare but my parents had the cheek to get upset that I was “comparing them to her”.
my parents have been retired for years and literally do nothing all week. I had to have an open and frank conversation with them, and spoke to other family members who all agreed with me that they were crap. Thankfully my parents have stepped up since my daughter had started school, but it still hurts that they showed no interest in their grandaughter up until then. Now it’s all about getting an obligatory family photo whenever we meet up with them- for them to share with other family just to prove they do have a relationship with their grandkids now lol.

I have my mum and sister within 5 minutes.
My children are 4 and 2. Neither my mother nor sister have had my children - ever. They're reasoning being they've 'done their time'. I lost my job because I couldn't source childcare for weekends.
It hurts because I regularly provided childcare free for my nieces and nephews for 12 years before mine were born - because I love them. But equally, I try not to be resentful or let it hurt too much, because children are bloody hard work - it was my choice to have them, and yep, my family have done their time xx

Why are you ranting to begin with?

Why make it into a weird competition and ridiculously suggest that OP or any woman who needs a break didn’t or don’t want to be a mother?

Do you want a gold star for not finding it hard/difficult?

I keep reading these posts where Mums are saying they need a break. I just don’t get it I’m afraid. Perhaps kids today are different but I had 3 in 4 years - so a 4 year old, a 14month old and a new born. At no time did I feel that I needed a break. I just got on with it. My mother and father worked full time so it was visits and the odd day out with them to a zoo or museum. But I never had babysitting or anything. If I needed to go somewhere or something then my husband took care of the children. I can count on the fingers of one hand the occasions that my husband and I went out together as a couple. But I didn’t feel that this was hard or I needed a break. This was family life. It seemed to be pretty much the same for everyone with children. Perhaps it was different in those days. Not really that long ago my children were born in the late 60’s early 70’s. I loved being a mother. And I had to wait until youngest was about 3 before I had an automatic washing machine. Had a second hand twin tub and 2 babies in nappies that had to be washed as no disposable ones. I didn’t think this was hard and I needed a break! What utter nonsense. If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother then don’t have children. Sorry, rant over.

Not sure why people are not understanding the difference between having a long, soapy bath with a candle on and being able to relax knowing its not going to be interupted as your childfree and a bath whilst baby naps, could wake up at any time and that nagging to do list mentally lurking!

My in laws were like this OP, not with childcare so much as meeting us in general (they weren't able to do childcare). They also ignored instructions and got annoyed at us a couple of times. We ended up telling them that we weren't arranging anything specific with them going forwards and if they wanted to see us they would have to arrange it... we last saw them at Christmas!

I have a friend whose parents sound similar to yours and her mum had a rep for being easily offended. So next time they arranged babysitting she gave them a 30 min Grace period and when they didnt show she just went out for a coffee, toddler in tow and text them saying she had made plans and so had to go out, she hoped to see them soon.

I would try and lock them in. ‘That sounds great, thank you. I’ve actually been wanting to try xyz at that time. It’s non refundable though so will only book it if you’re sure’?

Or ‘great, I’ll make plans with Suzy for that time if you’re sure that works for you?’!

Rinse and repeat. If they continue letting you down then I’d say no thank you honestly because it’s more of a headache not being able to make plans to get out for the day!

If you have a partner YABU to be relying on your parents so you can have a bath. You need to have a more equal partnership with your DH.

What they're doing is lining up "something to do"(looking after their grandchildren) in case something better doesn't come along. When they think something much more interesting has cropped up, they drop you in it.

That's bad, they made arrangements with you to have the children, unless someone is ill you don't let someone down last minute. I would be quite annoyed too OP.

Don't rely on them - then if they do something it's a pleasant surprise / optional extra.
Remember they have lives too.

My parents are exactly like this.
I have started asking more, and it's much better! They are always happy to help which is really nice - but before, they rarely offered and it would be super last minute too, usually being either inconvenient for me or causing more stress having to get things ready for them. Not to mention the fact that if they'd given me a bit more notice it might have been a really nice break for me that I could have planned for better too!
We rely on nursery and wrap around for all our regular childcare and it's much less stressful and we like having the reliability. It's hard work when you don't get a break - so don't feel bad for asking. They can always say no 🤷

@Noodlees I could never let my adult child down like that. It's unacceptable that they offer one day and cancel the next. At the moment it's just you being let down, wait until your DC are older and they are all excited to go out with GPs for them to call and cancel on them.

I'd gently mention that you'd really appreciate it if they only offer to take the kids when they can absolutely commit to it. This allows you to make plans yourself (go out with a friend, get your hair done etc..) and be able to stick to them.

Try and get a little routine going where they come and see you every Sunday afternoon and you know that without fail they’ll be there

She’s hardly ungrateful. Would you like making plans when the other party would cancel on you allll the time?? Op has said from beginning she doesn’t expect childcare but it’s not unreasonable to expect see kind of relationship with grandkids. That they then abuse the privilege. As yes grandkids are indeed a privilege that not everyone has the pleasure of. Get off ur high horse.

No they are being really unfair. I would say to them the next time that no not to worry about it as they usual don’t manage anyways so u don’t want to miss out on your own arrangements that u could be doing instead. Or have them come and cancel at last minute as reminder of how it feels. Doesn’t sound like they would be bothered anyways.
yadnbu.

I think Id start rejecting their offer and when they asked why Id be honest. The inconsistency is making it more pressure not less

And they can see the kids when you visit

Ungrateful for what? Being let down when she’s not asked them for anything?

They didn't work all their lives to be your free babysitters, perhaps if they cancel they have other plans or don't feel upto it or if they offer at last min perhaps they have a free day, many grandparents nowadays are quite young and still work so wouldn't have time to look after your kids, don't be ungrateful

Get your partner to take the kids for the day and you can relax.