To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

You may find this surprising but retired people also have lives. My parents rarely helped with my son as generally too busy doing their own stuff. Have you considered maybe chatting with friends? You may have some one in similar situation whose kids you could mind whilst they have some me time abd vice versa.

Absolutely this. Leave them alone.

Not everyone is partnered up 🫠

I love having my grandchildren. Even though it can be exhausting, I know they won’t be little forever. I want to make memories for them and myself. Having said that some grandparents believe they have done their duty as parents and find it an inconvenience to look after the next generation. My sisters mother-in-law left their hometown when my sister had her son, never bothered with her two grandchildren, she was a vain woman and went on to marry 3 times, now in her late 70’s she regularly posts messages to all her grandchildren calling herself “ nannie” the only grandma they think of was my late mother, who as a young widow adored her grandchildren and spent as much time as possible with them, even while working full time. All our children ( my two and sisters two) have lasting beautiful memories of her. No one can take from them. Sorry for long post, I find it sad that grandparents can not spare the the time, or don’t want to.

It is not unusual when parents or in laws can't be fully committed, don't fight it, try to communicate with them first. But be prepared to be self sufficient.

Il never forget my MIL saying to me ‘im retiring soon, have more and il look after them’ that was 9 years ago and I think she has had them maybe 3 times 😂😂😂😂 lol!

Do your parents have last minute appointments for hospitals etc which might explain the behaviour? You might not necessarily know or want to know?
Perhaps gently explain that whilst you would like a regular arrangement (who wouldnt) you understand that they want their freedom having worked their whole life. Given you are happy to agree to this, can agreements be confirmed so that you can plan? It is not just a break but an opportunity to complete important tasks and for a grandparent relationship to be formed.

Have they always been like this? That is, unreliable and thoughtless?

I would tell them - they might not realise. If they then don't offer, then at least you know where you stand.

The only time I have ever confronted my mother was over a similar situation. Kids older but first time living within a 30 minute drive of them. They would “reserve” an afternoon after school or a weekend day and then call at the last minute to cancel. Likely because they are a bit chaotic. But it meant that my kids had refused play dates with their new friends or we had rescheduled activities and then we were all stuck around waiting until they were cancelled on. My mother took it very badly. Wouldn’t speak to me for a couple of months, wept and was furious. But to be fair she took it on board and parents were a lot more reliable after that. We now have the issue of kids with very busy sports and academic schedules and grandparents who are desperate to book in time during prime revision/training slots. I do feel for them, but wish they could be a bit less inflexible. It was the same when kids were younger and they had stopped being flakey. They would offer to have them “to give us a break” but it would involve a post supper and bath drop off on Friday and a pick up ncie and early on Saturday so they could still fit in their 10am walk to Waitrose. Makes me think that all the early years without grandparents childcare probably wasn’t much of a loss as maybe they would have pulled the same.
Wishing you a long hot bath and a real break soon. Care of small kids is no small thing.

I wouldn’t ask if it’s still ok, I’d message instead and say ‘don’t forget you’ve offered to have kids today! - I’m really looking forward to a couple of hours to myself !…

if they still message and say they’ve arranged something else make it known that you’re disappointed they’ve let you done again..

I wonder if they offer to help then withdraw the help so that in future when they offer you will say ‘no don’t worry!’….
that way they can tell people that they’re always offering to help you @Noodlees but you never accept !
My mum does this… she always offers to do something, but then moans the whole time that she’s got soooo much to do at home - so then you stop accepting her offer of help because you know it’s not really being offered willingly…. So then you struggle and do it yourself and she tells everyone ‘Well I offer to help but she always declines…. Or ‘oh she’s so stubborn and never accepts helps! ..

My siblings ask for help with their kids and my mum helps, but then moans afterwards to me, saying how she can’t believe non of her children can look after their own children and how she never got any help with childcare from either grandparents and still managed 4 children - so why can’t my siblings and their partners manage 2!?

I never ask her to help me with my DD and she’s old enough now to be left anyway.

maybe when they offer next time ask them if they are 100% offering because the last minute changes upset you!

What would you say to someone whose friend kept cancelling plans on the day because of a better offer? Why is it different here?

If I was going out with a friend to the cinema and she cancelled on me multiple times the day of, she wouldn't be my friend for long as being let down multiple times is just rude and unpleasant.

Same in this scenario. Parents offer to come round then don't over and over again, cancelling plans the day of.

What's the difference here other than you can't just stop being your parents friend.

Yep. And that’s what annoys us. Saying no is fine. Getting your hopes up and then crushing them is so hard. Especially if they actually know youre struggling (hopefully youre not but life is generally hard with those ages).

It doesn’t matter how hard you’ve worked, it’s not reasonable to let people down for no reason when you’ve offered. Not offering in the first place is fine, but being flaky isn’t a reward for being hard working

I only had the in laws. MIL would make a big song and dance about telling us just to ask but was then never available!

But she only ever mentioned it when there were other people to overhear her, who would then tell me what a wonderful grandmother she was....

Some weird comments on here. Even if you didn't have kids this level of flakiness would be annoying and a let down. The fact you do have kids and look forward to a break is really hard when you are let down. Next time they offer id say that you are doing xx and you dont want to arrange if they might not be able to make it. Although really being more direct might be better. Do they have reasons for why they have let you down in the past, eg health or just generally being thoughtless?

Enjoy your children during your mat leave.
I'm sure you do. Have you thought of asking your parents round just for a cuppa/lunch with you at yours, for a catch up with them to show you enjoy their company and are interested in their lives?
The bonus would be that they would see the demands of a young child and baby.
You might more easily be able to slip into the conversation that you really look forward to the times ' you say you're coming' and thank them.
Any possible, future comment to them to let them know it's 'tricky ' if they change the plans short notice, might then seem less confrontational.

It’s reasonable for them to say they won’t offer childcare regularly but unfair to be unreliable.

There’s millions of parents who don’t get a break from their children!
I can’t understand why people have children and then want regular breaks from them!
its your partner’s responsibility to give you a break from your children not your parents
when your eldest is at nursery, then take a bath or shower and catch up with jobs around the house

I kind of agree with this. I have 4 grandbabies between 1-5 yo and I’m only 48 myself. I’ve got my own health issues and I’m still actively parenting a teenager too. I may offer to have my grand kids but if I get an app through for my consultant or I’m not feeling great that day I sometimes have to cancel or rearrange having them. Same thing if they are sick with the many many bugs they bring home from school, I’ve got a very delicate immune system and get very sick very easily. I’m sure my dd thinks I’m flakey and I’m the past she’s actually stopped me seeing my grand kids for 2-3 months which was completely unfair but here we are. Either way, I still have the eldest 2-3 for a sleep over ever other week and go to hers every 6 weeks to allow her and her husband to go to a hotel overnight. I also do baby sitting through the week for 2-6 hours total for any appointments she has. Simple truth is I do the very best I can while trying to protect my own health and still having a life . If she wants/needs more, it needs to come from other sources.

It sounds like you did get a break though when your parents took them to the zoo or museum. My daughter is 4 and both sets of grandparents have never taken her for a day out and both sets are retired!!

I remember the times parents came to visit to see the baby when newborn/toddler. Not only was I hosting, sorting out food and drinks for everyone, I was also wrangling a baby or child while they looked on from their settee.

I'm glad to hear you didn't need a break after working full time and looking after 3 children whilst also planning days out to keep them socialised (of course you didn't turf them out all day during school holidays and let them play on the street where they were susceptible to paedophiles and other rogue characters from a young age-that's definitely not a break of 8 hours is it).

I'm sorry you didn't feel the need to spend time with your husband too. I get it, why bother. As long as he can look after the children while you go out that's fine.

Obviously if a woman doesn't want to be a mother they shouldn't have children. Of course!!

What you haven't considered are the mothers who do want their children, love them dearly but also would like to spend time with friends or husband as being a mother isn't their whole identity. They are also a career woman, a book nerd, a pottery enthusiast, an artist, a wild swimmer, a wild camper or even just a gorgeous nail girly.

And that's the point, especially if the DGPs are known to be repeatedly flakey, you just wouldn't get the hopes up of a 2yo. If they come they come, nice surprise 2yo is happy mum is happy and noone is disappointed. If they don't come oh well they're flakey not surprised didn't expect it.

You misunderstand me. OP can feel how she feels as can anyone. Nothing unreasonable to feel how you feel. However to expect childcare from people unreliable in the first place, which they demonstrate time and time again, is the OPs issue here. Be they grandparents (who are retired and want to enjoy retirement), aunts, neighbours, cousins or best mates or whatever the relationship is.

There is so much confusion on this thread between whether or not grandparents should do childcare at all and whether or not grandparents who have committed to doing childcare at a specified time are unreasonable if they are late or decide to cancel at the last minute.

It doesn't matter who you are: if you commit to helping someone out, you have to show up or you are flaky and hopeless!