To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

Don’t ring or message and ask if they are still having the kids. Turn up on their doorstep with all their stuff and the kids and be very quick and say you have an appointment and everything’s in the bag etc and you’ll see them later and then leg it!

They should give a day & specific time. Otherwise how can you know where you are & what you will be doing. Help is great but maybe firmer arrangements need to be stated & made. It’s not ungrateful but no help if it’s not at agreed times days.

That isnt remotely what is happening here and the poster hasn't shown that she expects other people to look after her children. Try reading it again.

Then fine if they don't offer it. It's your children, plan as if you don't rely on anyone, and if help comes, take it as a bonus.

They would be very mean if they stopped offering, they must like to spend time with the kids. Even if this happened it is ok. It's their life, it's your children, not theirs. Sorry to say that.

I think they decide on emotions, and then something else comes out, tireness maybe, so they change their plans.

It's free babysitting so just act as if it would never happen, and plan independently.

I'm a self employed, when I was younger I needed a place to run my business. Friends helped at their wish by offering occasionally a venue, but then cancelled, denied, changed their plans etc. I learned that you can really only rely on what you secure yourself, not favours.

I understand you are upset they don't take your time seriously and that's certainly disrespectful, however if you want total reliability this can only be offered for a fee.

As hard as it is I admit. I know it's irritating and generates resentment like they don't care about you and how busy you are, unfortunately not everyone is able to have this type of respect.

You can tell them though, on their side they're very rude, possibly they think it's ok for you so you can definitely set the record straight.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It’s them that make the offer, you are gearing up for it and they let you down. Probably best to make other arrangements l. It would annoy me too.

@SmudgeBrown a lot of grandparents are still working full time (not the OP's parents) and it would be unreasonable to ask for regular childcare. I am almost 61 and have 4gc under the age of 5, I work 4 days a week, also help my parents who are in their 80s as my only sibling has sadly died and whilst I'd love to I just can't. I am always open to help out in an emergency or for a planned event and I wouldn't dream of being flaky.

Maybe agree with them a time when you can drop the kids off with them

How is OP lazy and entitled for expecting her parents to keep their word? They are the ones offering!

Plenty of threads on AIBU when people make plans and than change them last minute without any consideration to the person they made plans with (barring emergencies) usually is considered pretty rude and disrespectful with posters being told to drop them when it is continuous yet somehow someone’s parents doing this to them is absolutely fine and they shouldn’t expect their own parents, own family members to keep plans with their grandchildren when they were the ones who offered in the first place?

Why?

If they can tell OP they aren’t doing regular childcare then they can stop offering to have the grandchildren since they have such little respect for their own daughter that they change plans because they find something more preferable than spend time with their own grandchildren. Pretty sure, many adult children would find that not only disheartening but hurtful.

I wouldn’t expect anything from them and say no thank you every time they offer. I wouldn’t want my children thinking such behaviour is acceptable and/or began thinking that they don’t matter that much to their grandparents as they get older and began to notice.

There are two separate conversations going on here, one about grandparents doing regular childcare, the other about grandparents helping out.

Many young people, and even the not so young, expect grandparents to put in some days and hours. While that would be lovely, in an ideal world, one can understand if women (and it’s usually the women doing the heavy lifting) feel that they have done their time at the childrearing coalface, probably at the same time as working outside the home.

They might have had elderly parents too, and just want a bit of unstructured, free time in their last years. They will also be slowing down physically, more tired, possibly a bit achey. It doesn’t seem fair to expect them to pick up yet another burden, delightful as that burden might be. Are women never allowed to rest, never allowed to just live their own lives, free of caring responsibility?

The other conversation is about grandparents helping out. That’s a separate thing entirely, and one would think that any grandparents who could would be delighted, for obvious reasons.

The grandparents here offered, seemed to suggest that they would step up, yet seem always to let the poster down. If they made the suggestion in the early flush of pregnancy, then realised that in fact they didn’t want that much responsibility, they should speak to their daughter about that. And being flakey about arrangements is just unforgivable, grandparents or not.

This. We live in a society now where we see things like ‘caring for a grandchild’ as some kind of transactional relationship. The fact that you live or OP lives 10
minutes away from her parents yet receives very little help, kind of tells you what kind of society we live in. In other parts of the world the grandchild is a joy, is in fact very helpful for older adults and has huge benefits for the child. Nobody is asking for full time childcare, but actually it’s a village that should help with raising kids. We’ve got the very unhelpful you shouldn’t expect it brigade on here and why should a retired person be bothered with your children or why on earth do we owe our daughter any kind of favour. And if we do it’s only on our terms, the fact that nobody can see this is selfish and true reflection of his broken we are as a family unit I just don’t understand!

Unfortunately we live in a society where grandparents are thinking they are doing you a favour rather than having and enjoying the valuable time with their grandchildren. And they’ve told you they don’t want to do it, because that’s their mindset. So it’s no bother to them to let you down, of course not to mention it might give you a break at the same time. But this is what you can expect from them, they are not reliable, either tell them not to do it at all or be more reliable and tell them this is upsetting you, also how about selling them idea that they won’t get this time back again with their grandchildren.

They’re lazy and entitled and expect others to look after their children.
they never expected it to be hard and that’s half the problem

I think it is rather sad to have to pay for childcare when grandparents are at hand. I remember how much joy my Dad got from my two when they were little, his fulfilment and the bond he created with them was incomparable to me paying a stranger to look after them. Now I am retired and a short bus journey from my daughter who has three children aged between 6 months and 6 years old. I

You are totally unreasonable and self centred

The sleep when the baby sleep’s brigade are out in force I see!

My baby only napped (after about 7 months of never sleeping during the day) for an hour, and only ever in the pram while being pushed about. I did used to to use the time to sit on a bench and think etc but if I needed to do anything practical that couldn’t be done out in street/park in all weather it had to be done with a baby in tow which was perfectly doable but, as the op pointed out, is far from relaxing.

I count myself lucky compared to my friend’s colicky baby who had to be constantly held. We always have a good laugh about people who say do something his or that when baby is doing x, y, z.

I used to do washing up with baby in the bouncer but had to constantly sing nursery rhythms and turn around and give eye contact.

Maybe these parenting experts all just stick their baby in front of the iPads.

Maybe you asking if they're still coming makes them feel the plan isn't 'solid' and you're giving them the chance to change their mind. I'd stop asking, just message that you're looking forward to seeing them.

Oh, stop being so patronising. What is it with all this…’ they have forgotten’, ’they don’t realise’.

We remember quite a lot actually and some of us ancient people are pretty busy too. Can’t stand this ageist crap.

Yes very annoying. However it could be worse, between the 3 living grandparents my 4 year old son has, two have never babysat, one had him for 2 hours 15 minutes about a year ago. We never get a break.

Well OP does duh 🫠

Fucking hell what is wrong with this country! What has happened to the village!? I think retired grandparents who live close by should absolutely want to help out with grandkids just to give mum a break (and to want to spend time with GK), not just because she has appointment or something. And OP shouldn’t feel like a CF or a burden just for asking for a little help with her baby and toddler, which can be very hard and lonely when you’re on your own all day. I know some people do not have the luxury of GP that live close by or are involved, but if they do it should not be a stressful situation to ask/offer help from either side - everyone should be involved in raising the younger generation. God I am so lucky that both GPs would bend over backwards to have my LO for the afternoon or entire weekend if I asked!

I am just commenting on other people’s responses to OP, not her actual problem - which I think YANBU

They never promised to provide childcare. You’ve got 2 young children what kind of “break” are you looking for? They are your children suck it up.

Probably an unpopular viewpoint, but grandparents have done their child-raising and don’t have to do it again.
I’m an older mum, so my parents were in their 70s by the time the kids came along, and it would have been too big an ask of them. We never get a night off, but it is what it is.
My mum recently passed and my daughter is only 10. Invite them along to stuff, make the most of them while they’re here, and enjoy making precious memories watching grandparents and grandchildren spending time together. X

You can easily have a bath when they’re both asleep, I’d imagine this is what most parents do (it’s certainly what I did!). Going forward it’s probably pointless to get your hopes up and instead, take it as nice if they turn up but whatever if they don’t. Don’t plan your life around them helping. You could also have a word and ask for them to be more consistent.

You can’t rely on anyone but yourselves to loook after your children.
the sooner you learn this, the less you’ll care.
Nobody is under any obligation to look after your children, unless you’re paying them and even then you have to prepare for closures, sickness, emergency etc.