Needy man in the coffeeshop

I've given up chatting to blokes at all because you never know how it's going to go so 🤷🏻‍♀️ speaking from experience!

The thing is, your observation of people who dominate other peoples time like this is accurate.

But the OP is considering changing coffee shops over this and yet it would be really easy to put a stop to this.

If he were approaching her, my responses would be very different. But he isn't.

I just find it very frustrating when women put themselves in situations like this and react as though it's something imposed on them when she is seeking it out every time.

I've met people like this and do you know what I've done? Once I've clocked that this is how it's always going to be, I just stop.

Maybe a bit of self reflection is required on her part to understand her part in the interaction and why she does it rather than to just stop doing something she enjoys?

I've edited to say put themselves rather than find themselves. Because the OP isn't passive in this situation.

You can't change someone else's behaviour you can only change your own.

We've his guy like that at our train commute. He absolutely talks at my very kind colleague all about his drinking sessions the night before and football outings, neither of which she is remotely interested in. He knows absolutely nothing about her because he barely registers anything about her other than her female face and beating heart. When she's away he walks up and down trying to make small talk to other women.

Do you ask him how he is?

You owe this stranger nothing, ignore him and enjoy your cafe visit.

Knowing that for whatever reason he doesn’t follow the normal rules of brief social pleasantries it makes no sense to ask him what’s wrong.

Before giving up on your nice coffee shop just sit down and read or whatever. If you feel you can’t ignore him completely, nod to acknowledge in passing but don’t engage in conversation.

I hate this. There’s a parent at a sports club I go to, he clearly has some issues but he wants to get anyone to talk to him and is a space invader and literally chats shit at you. He doesn’t get social cues and just gets on my nerves as he dominates the time I’m trying to watch my child. I started wearing headphones and not making eye contact. He pounces on poor newbies.

Just ignore him. You owe him nothing. I bet the shop wish he didn’t come in as he probably puts people off!

He sounds really lonely. Not sure it's anything to do with all men thinking women owe them conversation.

I agree with you to an extent - I usually talk to people when I'm out and about and to be fair it sounds as if the questioner does too? And for the most part what I notice is that , I usually end up listening - probably at least 75% of the time. I think the thing here is that the questioner doesn't have a lot of personal time and space (I remember it well, when my children were young - you just get five minutes and someone wants to intrude on that and you'd really rather they didn't). I also think that we all (even old and lonely people) can learn to be self aware enough to not just be on output and maybe this guy has never learnt to pay attention to other people and really get to know them - maybe he expects strangers to listen to him? So on this occasion, I think the questioner should do whatever she wants BUT it sounds like it is going to play on her mind whatever she does so maybe find another coffee shop even though she loves this one? Probably I would just say hi, exchange a few pleasantries and then move on to grab my coffee on my own. That keeps thing pleasant but also signals she isn't up for being a neverending listening ear.

If I go out into my garden, the old woman next door is out like a shot to tell me all about the stuff she told me about the last time. She's lovely, and has had a very interesting life, but she's clearly very lonely, so I try to give her a bit of my time when I can.

I think @GreyCarpet has it spot on. This kind of thing always happens to a friend of mine - who then moans about it afterwards.

I never get in the same kind of situation, as I just don’t engage with strangers.

I’m not rude, and I understand some people are desperate for a chat, but I prefer to keep myself to myself.

But she's the one talking to him and asking him questions. He's actually just minding his own business with his writing and looking around the coffee shop until she speaks to him.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. But I do think your suggestion about men and expectation of women to speak to them absolutely ridiculous

You can see why he has no one to talk to when it's all me me me. Old people can be twats too.

This is your time for yourself, keep it that way. He'll no doubt corner some other poor sod.

I can't help but wonder if he has a negative impact on people going to the coffee shop because they are fed up with him trying to engage them in conversation.

Or maybe he's employed by the coffee shop to suck people in, so they order more coffee and cake?

Or keep them from lingering, to keep cleaning and washing up costs down?

You're clearly not engaging with anyone who points out that you are talking to him first (and asking follow up questions!)

But your complaint is really.

I see this man in the coffee shop. I say hello and ask him questions. AIBU to find it annoying that he answers them?

If you know he is going to do this and you don't like it, why do you keep on doing it?

But, OP, You started the conversation by saying Hi and asking if he was ok. Why do that if you dont want to engage?

I wouldn't have even talked to him in the first place!
Don't even smile at him from now on - ignore ignore ignore!

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

But you spoke to him first?

OP started the conversation not the man

Unless he is actually approaching you and coming to your table then you get to decide how any conversation goes.
You can smile and say hello then proceed to your own space.
Don't ask open questions, linger or engage in interactions that you don't want to have.
There is no need to be rude or feel guilty.

I see you think he has broken some sort of rule, you asked how he was and now you are uncomfortable he isn't "fine", just stop engaging with him.

Her whole point is that it's not just a hello that's needed for this guy. My late dad was good at chatting with strangers, but he didn't start up on everyone. It would come organically from an interaction and only continue if the other person was chatty too. This isn't the case with OP, where it's one-sided and draining. She needs to give clearer signals for sure but saying hello is the whole problem - with this guy it opens the floodgates, so it's really the last thing she needs to do.

He sounds so similar to somebody who used to frequent a place near me that I feel like it's him, but I'm sure there are lots of them...

Id just cop out and change cafes. You dont owe anyone a conversation.