Needy man in the coffeeshop

Id keep it brisk. Just hello and move on. It can be done, don't let it make you give up a good cafe. Sometimes you have to move on from chatting, it's not unreasonable. I'm good at social chitchat but clearly when I don't want to go further. I'm not rude but I am clear.

Op, you sound like you mean well but for goodness sake, this is so easy; just don’t initiate conversation! At most, offer a brief smile then look away and enjoy your coffee. I certainly wouldn’t be avoiding going, if I were you, given you’re the one approaching him and starting conversation, based on his ‘sad’ eyes.

I think maybe he'd be better off in one of those cafes inside churches. I remember going into one in my local town, really just to take the weight off my feet whilst out Christmas shopping. I was approached by one lady who was working there in some capacity who came up to me with a "is there anything troubling you that you would like to talk about" me "no only my aching feet, but thank you very much for asking"

You are wrong. Its not "small talk" that these people are wanting though is it and thats the exact point!

eg. I make small talk with people all the time - eg at the supermarket checkout we might discuss the current weather or waiting for a bus I might ponder with someone else the changes the high street has seen since covid or when queuing in a shop I might discuss how busy it is with them etc... Thats small talk.

But this man the OP is referring to wants political discussions about immigration and heavy topics that most of us really dont feel comfortable talking about to a complete stranger - especially if they have racist undertones or negative connotations.

I know exactly the kind of person the OP is referring to- strangers who want to rant, offload their negative opinions onto others or pry into your business and ask you personal or intrusive questions and its not ok. That has nothing to do with small talk and its about them not respecting other people's boundaries

Just after DH died I had to take my car in for a service. I sat and waited, as they said it wouldn’t be long. An older man, who was also waiting, kept trying to talk to me. I just wasn’t in the mood and tried to avoid a conversation. It must have been obvious because he said “I’m sorry to keep talking to you”.

I really didn’t want a conversation and I definitely didn’t want to say anything about DH, as I would have cried.

The man knew I wasn’t interested but he persisted. 🤷‍♀️

Yes this is ‘small talk’ and what many people are happy to engage with. His dreary nonsense is best cut short - someone needs to put manners on him - it doesn’t help to indulge his poor social skills.

Put headphones round your neck before you go in - little wave - then when you sit down put headphones on and relax. Just give yourself some space -if he comes over and interrupts that’s a whole different story

Good grief. He hasn’t stopped you doing anything. Just ignore and get on with your day.

Why will you have to change cafés?

Oh stop being so soft

But you're the one who's pushed it beyond that point. You're the one who keeps engaging with him, starting conversations with him.

If you don't want to talk to him, don't talk to him. Say Hi as you walk past and don't stop to talk to him. It's really not that difficult. It's not like he's coming over to your table to initiate conversation.

If you view his sad face as what it is, manipulation, then you can ignore him perfectly well.

He's a stranger. He's not a friend. He's a man at the coffee shop.

There is no "we've" because there is no 'we'. You are two separate people going about your daily lives. You're not connected in any way.

Smile and say say hello (if you feel more comfortable doing that) and carry on walking. Its fine. Just try it! 😉

People can draw their boundaries in whichever way they choose, and that includes both the OP and you. You are not qualified to assess whether someone else needs counselling.

i think some like the art of conversation and it can be a mix

Ive had to stop going to my favourite and very convenient local shop. Its a sacrifice I had to make for my sanity.

It's not a question of men thinking women owe them conversation. Women do this too. Most people did, at one time, but now they talk to strangers online instead.
If you don't like his opinions/find his talk racist or sexist, which could be inferred from the topics, just say you don't agree, and while he has the right to his views, you have the right to disagree and not engage.

Agree. I expect HE has been very disappointing throughout his life - that’s why he’s lonely and needy. He doesn’t seem to have developed any social skills which would enable him to be aware of the other person and adapt the conversation to mutual, respectful, mutual and reciprocal topics.

Have no sympathy for him - I suspect he has made many peoples lives miserable over the years with his dreary entitled approach talking ‘at’ people.

Swerve. You reap what you sow.

No need to change coffee shop. Hold phone, wear headphones- smile, wave & point at phone.
he is probably used to it

Women got boundaries, and I can't think of anything more delightful.

I think, MrMucker, that if you review your memories, you will find that two men talking small was a vanishingly rare occurrence.

It was almost always women who had the responsibility for maintaining the fabric of society at their own cost, and now we may need to find a more equitable way of doing so.

That's a different point and I've said she needs to stop doing that. I was responding to your 'Often just a hello is all that's needed.' which isn't the case with this guy.

Nonsense. There are LOADS of community activities for lonely people these days. Church/religious groups, meetups, community walks, online groups, facebook groups who arrange activities, sports groups, craft groups, book clubs hobbies, free night classes etc etc

There are online apps designed for people to make friends and chat to others, there are volunteer groups who will literally contact lonely people to chat.

There are options out there but people need to be willing to take some responsibility for their own unhappiness and be a tiny bit proactive rather than to expect random passing strangers whom they know nothing about to "fix it" for them.

Its wholly inappropriate to expect random strangers to do that- you know nothing about what those people might be dealing with themselves for example.

Just ignore him…… you mean like don’t ask him how he is?

Yes, good call, OP should certainly consider that, instead of asking him and then complaining that he responded and is a “needy man that wants to encroach on women and their peaceful time”

Cannot understand how we have a loneliness epidemic, especially amongst men, given the supportive comments here...

Oh hang on.