Needy man in the coffeeshop

MN rule 86.1b.
Old people in public should be ignored.
They have nothing useful to contribute to modern society.
😉.

Why is she greeting him and asking him questions if she doesn't want to talk?

Do you wonder why OP asks him “how are you”, if she wants to be alone?

Find out if there is one of those Man Shed places in your area and recommend him to go there. It may be that he has MH problems or maybe just that he's incredibly sad and lonely and would benefit from being around others who can relate and enjoy the opportunity to chat and share their worries.

He may well be going to the coffee shop because he has a need to speak to people BUT OP is going there specifically to NOT!

Her peace is not less important than his loneliness.

Let other customers entertain him, OP.

If I were you I wouldn't ignore him but I would shoot him a breezy 'Hi. Oh I'm gagging for a coffee, just 20 minutes to have a bit of peace and quiet/alone time/peace today! If I don't get my little bit of silence I start to go mad!' and walk away.

Make it clear that you are there TO BE ALONE. And then railroad every attempt with a glance at your watch and a reminder that you have jut few more blessed minutes of quiet time to yourself that day and turn away.

He'll soon learn to rely on others.

I know how it feels to need a few minutes ALONE!

Protect it, OP.

That's not my experience of her. She had a fascinating career in science and engineering, but is slowly losing her marbles, and wishes her son would visit more often.

I'm thinking it might be Ringo. Better to have a chat with the poor sod than put up with his drumming.

I'd buy him a coffee and a curled up sandwich, listen to his woes for a while then say, "Don't pay the haters any heed lad, and remember, you'll always be a Fab Four."

You don’t need to stop going. Just walk in, smile, order your drink and go and sit elsewhere. Pretend to be on your phone if that feels easier

What are 'please talk to me' eyes? I sometimes write in coffee shops, or on the train, or in airports. When I'm absorbed in something, and thinking about how to compose a response to a tricky work email, or write something creative, or find the exact and perfect word or phrase, I look up from my work and contemplate. Truth is I'm quite deep in thought, not intending to give off signals that i want someone to speak to me.

However, if someone does speak to me, I assume that they are the one who wants a conversation. Maybe I've been getting it wrong for years.

this man doesn’t, he just apparently looks at OP a certain way, which makes her engage with him and ask how he is!

You've decided you can't adapt your behaviour, it's not him causing you to change cafes.

You engage him.

Just say you can't chat today and move on.

I’m wrestling with the fact that he’s stopped me going to my favourite cafe though, and it feels as though it’s because of his behaviour. I feel we’ve gone beyond the point where I could blank him.

You're fantasising this whole relationship. There is no 'we'. You don't know him and you're reading way too much into his 'sad face' and 'his behaviour'. He's not stopping you doing anything. You're entirely responsible for your own actions and responses and you can blank him from right now if you really wanted to. Sounds like you need some good old-fashioned assertiveness training. Or just have a strong word with yourself and start taking ownership of your choices. Makes me wonder if the reason this cafe became your sanctuary is because you prostrate yourself for people in any other aspect of your life. Just stop doing that. Blank him. See what happens. I'll tell you what - precisely nothing. Like every other person in every other cafe who you don't speak to and get in a tizz about.

Is your Coffee shop in Sittingbourne ? I know a man that constantly tries to engage in conversation like your man.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?
YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

OP you've worded this in such a way where most people would vote YANBU as its the sensible way forward . I certainly did because yeah I do think the answer is to give a quick smile and sit somewhere else. So officially YANBU according to the options you’ve given.

But at the same time you are massively unreasonable and absurd, in the sense that you could’ve resolved this issue easily instead of simmering quietly and now considering changing cafes.

Honestly keep going. Look at it as a personal development opportunity for you. Can I a) not initiate, b) not expand the conversation, c) am I ready with my words and positioned to move on directly, d) can I feel no guilt, e)can I avoid avoiding, f) have I learned to adapt my style without fleeing or feeling bad.

Honestly we all can keep learning, adapting our social skills, creating a more assertive stance etc. Stay for you for the coffee shop and to prove you can cope.

You can say hi to him without asking him a question. That way you've greeted him, which he clearly needs, without inviting a conversation.

A nod and a hello as you walk past. No questions. If he asks you how you are you say good, thanks but you dont ask him back and you dont turn your body towards him. Bright and breezy, friendly, but not signaling willingness to engage in conversation.

Would it hurt you to be kind?

I work on a reception desk. Small talk is part of my job and I'm good at it. We get a lot of retirees in due to the nature of the company.

But it is always the men who wander in and start on at me about immigration, the council, the PM, GP appointments, disrespectful teenagers, the neighbouring "rough" town (where I live, unbeknownst to them). The women just come in, comment on the weather, sort out what they need to and leave. Why is that? Why do they think this is appropriate?

He is obviously lonely, maybe because he doesn't have anyone close in his life, or maybe because he is a crashing bore ... but that's not OP's problem.

Perhaps a cheery smile and a quick comment as you pass, but keep on walking and don't sit at a table near him...take a book or something so you don't have to get into a conversation.

I’m wrestling with the fact that he’s stopped me going to my favourite cafe though, and it feels as though it’s because of his behaviour. I feel we’ve gone beyond the point where I could blank him.

He hasn't. You're being a bit silly to frame it like that.

Just make polite chat for 30 seconds and move to a table where he can't talk to you, if that's what you prefer.

It's your social skills that need upgrading, not his behaviour.

Agreed. This behaviour is the fake nice I really struggle with. And I see it a lot in the UK in particular.

Now I wouldn’t want to listen to that stuff the old man is saying. I was that person who for several years has had family, friends and total strangers go into monologues about their deep trauma or contentious issues (eg immigration) while not giving me a chance to say anything. Now I’ve woken the heck up and I don’t tolerate that anymore when it’s a, not reciprocal and b. affecting my own emotional and mental health. I have set boundaries.

Once I knew what he was like I would just stop engaging with him beyond a nod and a smile.

This fiasco keeps repeating itself because the OP is desperate to “ act nice” and “feel good” about acknowledging this man, while not liking the very predicable consequences.

This is why it’s better to be authentic than nice. A lesson I myself have had to learn. People can think what they want of me but at least I know I’ve been honest with myself and protected my peace when someone when I’ve chosen not to give someone an audience to go offload when I don’t have capacity for it.

That’s not to say I’ll never ever listen to someone’s problems - be they a friend or a stranger - but when I do, it has to be a choice I’ve happily taken, so I won’t feel resentful afterwards.

OP if you “need” to change cafes that is entirely a problem of your own making.

I'd smile, say hello and pass the time of day.
If he appears to want to use you as a shoulder to cry on, I'd whip a book out, or a folder and say 'sorry but I do have some work/ reading to do.'

It costs nothing to be pleasant and one day you might be an old, lonely lady in a coffee shop.

To be fair OP, I think you have put yourself in that position. Next time you see him, nod and smile and sit away from him. No need for all this angst and changing coffee shops.

He hasn’t stopped you though, has he?

You need to stop asking him questions, that’s what needs to stop!

Maybe she’s lonely because she is a self serving tedious bore who doesn’t nurture any conversations or relationships by showing any interest in others?