Needy man in the coffeeshop

It's coming your way folks! Old age. Quicker than you think.

There is a scheme called Chatty Cafe? If you can stand it OP maybe mention this.

Other than that a very short exchange is all that is needed.

Tbh this is why I’ve stopped replying to some friends texts. It’s so surface level and I don’t want to participate in the charade .

They clearly don’t want to hear how you are doing, even when they know you’re struggling with something like grief or poor physical health.

Fair enough maybe they don’t have emotional capacity to listen, but in that case it’s best not to ask. Fakeness is so annoying.

He looks at everyone not just women so let's not make this a sexist thing....it's very simple.

Change this:Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

To this:
Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: Sorry to hear that. I hope your day improves. Nice to see you - have a lovely rest of day and then walk away.

What are 'please talk to me eyes'? If you don't want to engage, don't. Not sure it's a gender thing. Or just smile on your way in and make your way to the counter. As someone else said, if you want to be sociable and ask questions, then don't create such a fuss. You already know he has a habit of talking about all kinds of topics, so why not learn from experience?

I don't think the op would be up for that, which is fair she doesn't want to engage to deeply.

It's hard to backtrack, I get that OP.

I think next time you go in, you sort of tackle it head on.

Him: Morning

You: Morning.

Him: I'm so upset my the news this morning.

You: I'm sorry to hear that, but I really need some quiet/alone time. I don't get many opportunities where I am not either at work or parenting - just when I come here really - and I have private things to think about and just need to just sit quietly on my own. From the conversations we've had, I know you'll understand how important that is. Have a lovely morning.

Or something like that in your own words.

Make it about you not him
Flatter him that you know he will understand
Move along

I can see why it would be annoying when you’ve gone there for a bit of peace and quiet.
Equally I think back to how my grandparents could have been viewed similarly. They were often so desperate for conversation that it could be painful to watch. But there was no malice in it.
I often see an elderly gentleman in the supermarket, we must shop at the same time every week. He always wants to chat and makes a fuss of dd. Sometimes I have more time than others but I’d always have a quick chat, it really can make the difference to people.
I wouldn’t be getting dragged into any deep political debates or anything though.

Well I can understand what you are saying and actually I think I am quite good at small talk. However there are some people who don’t want to have a conversation, they want to talk at you and you be an appreciative audience.
I suspect the coffee shop man is one of these.

I would smile at anyone in that situation, be it man, woman or child....smile and keep moving.

She could ask, "Why the long face?"

And when he starts answering, "Sometimes I just find - " she could interrupt and say, "NO, you're supposed to reply, "'Cos I'm a HORSE!"

...then burst out laughing and carry on to her own table.

TBH I wouldn't even smile at him. Why do you feel the need to? Are you so conditioned to please men that every loser sitting alone in a coffee shop is someone you feel you have to talk to?

Bloody hell, this is a simple everyday event; I don't know why people are either pitying the poor old sod or vilifying him.

You walk into your favourite cafe, he is sat there. If he looks at you, smile cheerfully, make a quick comment about the weather (for eg) & carry on walking, pick a seat away from him.

You get peace; he hasn't been ignored. Job done.

Nope. But it's the best thing to be added to the kick women campaign since the evolution of the Karen accusation.

So selfish of him. How are you doing? 💐

Did anyone actually say "be kind" prior to February 2020?

I would ignore on the way in and give a few mins if I had it ion the way out if you wanted to. I personally would ignore anyone I didn’t know, I don’t like small talk.

Yep 😂

Thats the social norm.

Hello.

Hello

How are you?

(Arm visibly broken in two places, bone sticking out)... fine thanks, you?

(Wearing neck brace, clearly hasn't slept in a fortnight) ... cant complain

Well, must get on (has nowhere to go)

Me too, lovely to see you (doesnt give a shit)

Bye then, must grab a coffee soon

Walk away from each other, both knowing that coffee will never happen.

PLEASE don't let this man bore you out of going to your favourite cafe!! Practice this in the mirror for next time:

You: Hi how are you? Hello
Him: Not good Hello
You: What’s wrong?

That's it. End of conversation.

If he tries to engage you, a quick 'that's a shame' or 'that's nice' is more than enough. Take headphones with you for 'listening to a podcast about how to repel boring men' until he stops imposing himself on you/goes somewhere else/dies.

Fuck his sad eyes, you don't owe him anything. He doesn't give a shit about how you feel, does he?

But - whatever you do - PLEASE keep going to your lovely cafe!!

Why are you deciding to be what you seem to be "polite" at a detriment to yourself?

Stop asking him how he is and he'll stop telling you how he is. Cause and effect. It's astonishing that you haven't grasped this.

I had something very similar in a clinic recently. I was being talked ‘at’ - him rambling at me about his minor issue - kept saying I am sorry if I am boring you - but carried on - I had been diagnosed with cancer 2 days before and was in complete muted shock. I wasn’t up for a conversation and there was no other chairs to move to. I didn’t even have the emotional energy or capacity at that time to actively shut him down as I was so consumed with what I had ahead of me. I didn’t even nod, um ahh etc and he kept going - so selfish and intrusive. He didn’t care or consider that I was anything else than a convenient vessel for him to vomit into.

Sounds like the sort of miserable self-pitying thing this guy would come out with.

You absolutely can start blanking him. You just need to override your people pleasing tendencies. People tend to get the hint once you start pointedly ignoring them.