Needy man in the coffeeshop

Just say hi and go and sit down. Don't ask how he is. That's polite but it's not inviting a conversation.

Yeah agreed! Weird!

I just need to stop that. I’m wrestling with the fact that he’s stopped me going to my favourite cafe though, and it feels as though it’s because of his behaviour. I feel we’ve gone beyond the point where I could blank him.

He hasn't stopped you, OP. YOU have!

You have more choices than to over-indulge him or blank him.

If you are incapable of saying 'Hi, you here again? Lovely. I'm here for my blessed daily silence. Boy do I need it' and walking away, that is on YOU.

You need to spend some time thinking about why you allowed yourself to get drawn into long conversations that irk you, repeatedly, to the point that you change to a different coffee shop, which irks you again, when all you needed to do is open your mouth!

It is perfectly OK for the two of you to have opposing needs and still share the same space.

When he says "People can be so disappointing", she could reply:

"They can be can't they, they're always fucking moaning! I just tell them, "Not my problem mate, stick it up your arse!""

Then chuckle pleasantly and go and order her cake.

Yeah, it's not a gender thing, he's not a creep. He's just one of those people who ALWAYS needs to chat. I encounter this every single day on my dog walks and my runs. It's really annoying. I get an hour lunch break and will just get in the swing of my run, and then someone will stop me and say "haven't seen you for a long time! Let me tell you about what my dog's been up to!" (real life conversation last week). I LOVE to hear about my neighbours' dogs and I like a good chat, but when I'm mid-run and they flag me down, it's really annoying. If you've ever been sprinting and then feel like you have to stop dead because someone's called out "cooey!" you'll know how hard it is.

I even asked my partner for advice because I was starting to lose my entire lunch break to listening to people talking, and would miss my run or spend my dogs' walk standing still listening to someone chat. Cue, very bored dogs and a total waste of time.

I'm trying to wave and say "hi!" but to keep walking now. It's really hard when you are naturally friendly - but some people really are just time sponges. You have to know when to make them stop. I find it so hard but I am practising!

F knows.

But OP says hello, then asks how he is and then complains!

Why would anyone who doesn’t want to
talk, do that?

OP is 100% falling foul of the great British need to be overly polite and play along with things we really don't want to.

That said, I know how it feels to crave alone time and see 20 minutes in a coffee shop with no interaction as an absolute treat.

Time for her to start defending her needs and, yes, a big part of that is not inviting in conversations she'd rather avoid!

I think the point was it's not pleasantries. It's a big ol downer, so immediately off-putting to most people going about their day. No wonder they've got no one to chat to if that's the kinda vibes they're spreading.

Exactly this. No wonder people are so anxious these days when we normalise not being able to cope with basic, mundane interactions. It’s really not complicated, either smile then move on and ignore or indulge him for a few minutes. Really cannot comprehend how this interaction is so difficult that you’re considering not going to the cafe just to avoid it. Sounds like it was your fault for engaging with him in the past and now he expects it, you should have cut it off after the first or second time he gave you a long speech if it bothers you rather than coming back for more by starting a conversation with him.

So what!! Are you a Peter Ustinov grade raconteur then??

@FavouriteBiggle Yep. I spent 40 years at work having to engage with people I didn’t want to. No more. Not interested. Couldn’t care less.

I wouldn’t want to take the risk of him making a beeline for me. I’d say hello but then I know I’d feel irritated and uncomfortable.

I was recently on a bus. I was just putting my earbuds in to listen to music and a woman moved from the front of the bus to sit next to me.

Woman: 'I don't like sitting on my own'

I smiled politely, put my earbuds in and music on.

After a few minutes she moved back to her original seat! She had obviously sized me up as a good victim person to chat to, and huffed off when it was apparent I wasn't interested.

Another one - I used to volunteer in a museum cafe. A man sat down with his coffee and said to me

'Do you think this country is overcrowded?'

I had a suspicion that I knew where he was going with this, (immigrants) so I just tinkly laughed and said that I didn't know enough about it to comment. Unfortunately I was stuck with him while he drank his coffee but we managed to avoid this subject.

Since reaching middle age I am no longer prepared to be a stranger's entertainment on their journey/waiting for a train/drinking their cup of tea. I no longer care if I piss them off.

Are you not able to manage a hello and not engage further? OP is engaging further, why can’t she stop?

We have to protect ourselves if we are kind. Even in this depleted state there are still a few places to go and make connections.
I would suggest a compromise might be to give the guy some pointers on places to go. You could even follow it up with a " How did the knitting club at the library go?"

Of course this involves engaging.

Fuck that. I’d avoid the place

This isnt about friends though.
Its about the social expectations around polite greetings in passing between people who are acquainted with one another.

Im sorry your friends arent there for you. Thats a completely different situation to the op's random bloke in a coffee shop.

Interspersed with cries of "where's my village???"

You poor, sad people.

You’re not some poor little defenceless women being targeted. Put your earphones in, and just sit down with your back to him. Also the guilt you are feeling is entirely your own choosing.

Totally agree with this. Every man for himself is the basis of our society now and it’s pretty damn sad.

(Hypothetically)

Small kid last week chucked a bit of Lego at my chair in a cafe. He was running around shouting and basically annoying the arse off every single parent. Reporting this event on here, I have to tolerate and seek to understand and accept the disability which is adhd.

But then

Old bloke sitting as a customer in a cafe says something doom laden as I enter cafe and walk past him to get my own seat. And reporting this event on here, I have to bin him off as a misfit wanker with zero social skills.

What a complete fuckup we are living through.